As I was walking to my pilates yesterday, I was thinking about what I read in another thread, that after a good time usually comes a test. It kind of made me wonder that maybe that's what is happening in my sitch? And I'm hopelessly failing the test every time!
Only about 2 weeks ago we had a few really great days. We shared some really good conversations and both opened up. He booked tickets for our "honeymoon" trip in January, so it wasn't just words. And then it went downhill and I fell back into my old reactions. Or even I never changed them. I only changed the positive things, opening up, etc, but not how I react to negativity.
Am I just babbling or does it make sense?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
No. You do make sense. Not reacting is a lot easier said than done, especially when we become comfortable of a certain dynamic in our Rs. It's very hard to break old habits but for the greater good in the long run.
A week ago. We had a few days when every conversation ended up bad and then I decided not to start or make any gestures for him to start another talk. It seemed to be going wrong every time so I wanted to take a break and figure out how and where it was going wrong.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
That sounds like a good plan. The next time you guys do talk, don't argue with eachother. if you feel something coming on, either remain calm or change the subject. Nothing good comes out of arguing and one always feels worse after it happens.
What tools do you need to effectively implement the solution?
Practice your new techniques before you use them in the game. Drill.
Get feedback. Drill.
Confidence comes from being prepared.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I need to work on the way I behave in an argument. I either try to explain things to him logically or if he says something that particularly hurts me, I do a "deer in the headlights". I should control my emotions better and not let them drive me. I think I need to read up on that.
I do pilates once a week, I only started a few weeks ago. I used to be very active in HS/college and I didn't even realize how much I missed it!
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
What tools do you need to effectively implement the solution?
Practice your new techniques before you use them in the game. Drill.
Get feedback. Drill.
Confidence comes from being prepared.
I came to a conclusion that my reactions need to change - I am letting my emotions drive me. Not angry emotions, but sad/hurt emotions. How do I take control of that - what tools do I need?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Hey Ris you have a similar sitch to mine. my H and I have been doing really well with the positive interactions...we've only had two low-key arguments in a month now...!!! sometimes I know he is testing me, trying to push my buttons...I'm sure it's the same with you. Awareness is key. If you can slow down when you talk and really look at the interaction objectively, you can begin to pinpoint these instances. If you feel yourself getting emotional, end the conversation. Also, humour never hurt anyone! Early in our relationship, H and I would always crack jokes and tease each other. We are doing a lot of that now. When we were skyping a few days ago, I noticed he was wearing his wedding ring on his right hand, even though I told him I wanted him to wear it on his left if we were working on things. Instead of getting mad, I just said..."so, I guess you don't feel like being married today?" in a joking tone. his response: "yeah, I switch it back and forth depending on how pissed I am at you." we both had a good laugh, and then he told me he was wearing it on his right hand cause his left ring finger was swollen...who knows if that was the truth, but if I was overly sensitive about the situation it could have degenerated into a fight, instead we had a laugh and I came off as a fun, non-controlling spouse (at least I think I did)
