Thanks Guys (and Gals) for pointing that out. I think that not only did I phrase that wrong, but I'm feeling the way you describe. I think where my mind should be is:
She does not miss me. She will not ever miss me if I continue to push to be involved in her personal life. I will back off and detach so that if she can miss me, she will have the opportunity to do so without pressure from me.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Don't want her to miss you. That's kinda negative. Want her to be attracted to you, that's positive. Plus it's better for you because you are growing.
Why did she feel attracted the other day? What did you do and say? Why did it work?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I will back off and detach so that if she can miss me
Wrong motivation. Your motivation is still to manipulate her toward a particular outcome according to that statement.
The reason to accept that you cannot control her choices is because that is just reality and it is healthy.
The reason to back off and go dim is so that you can heal yourself from this codependent reasoning... among other things.
As coach pointed out... a healthy John will be attractive (confident, happy, like himself, and be charming, so healthy John would not be so suprised his own wife might be attracted to him, and yet he would be amazed by it at the same time--smile).
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/13/1006:16 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Why did she feel attracted the other day? What did you do and say? Why did it work?
I was lovingly detached with her. I was kind and loving, yet had no expectations of reconcilliation. I showed her love by listening to her, not by trying to get her to love me.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
There is something that I am starting to question. When we at Retro on Saturday morning, she said in very clear terms, "There is no chance we will ever, ever get back together. I will never be married to you ever again. EVER. You must accept this."
Then later, she said that she was saying that because she needed space from me and needed me to let her go. She was only saying that because she knew if there was any chance of hope I would cling to that and never let her get away. But, she didn't really feel like that. She loves me and would want to be with me if she could when we are better people apart.
Hmmm. I know not to believe anything they say. Let's say I scratch all of that crap she said. I'm only supposed to believe 50% of what she does. She ML to me and kissed me and has been affectionate with me for the past few days when ONLY AFTER I did let her go, finished the agreement and had FINALLY let her go.
I'm confused, still. I can't tell if she was just saying and doing those things to get a good deal out of me....
But, she didn't get a good deal out of me. She's going to struggle greatly with the deal we worked out. I get S4 40% of the time. The deal is fair, but she is definitely getting financially burdened as I am not at all. I'll be fine. She won't
Throughout the whole negotiation we had, she was really giving me things because she was thinking of me first. I was giving her things thinking of me first too. Hmmm. Maybe this is real.
Mind reading is tearing my brain to shreds.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Bingo!! That is why we have said not to do it. You can play this game all day long, but ALL that really matters is what YOU and her do CONSISTENTLY. ML one day does not change years of DYSFUNCTION, CO-DEPENDENCE, and ABUSE.
DETACH, FOCUS on YOU. Why does YOUR HAPPINESS DEPEND on her?? That is the million $ question you should be asking yourself everyday. The day it stops will be the day your DETACHED.
You will accept one day that your WAS is not any different than the other WAS's we read about each day.
My H said the same thing your W said... he said we will NEVER get back together and blah blah blah. He also said the only way to get back together was for us to get divorced (letting each other go)and once we were divorced (or legally separated) we could get to know one another again.
We did get legally separated in Nov. 09 (our saga started in March of 08). Since last Nov. I have been VERY dark on him. In fact, the only contact I have w/him has been when he initiated it on our 11 yr. wedding anniversary and several times after that.
He has been with OW for almost three years and they have been living together since April of this year. Funny how he HAD to get separated/divorced in order to feel better about "us", no? IOW, he needed more space for OW.
In a strange twist of events he has started contacting me again and is VERY upset I am proceeding forward with the divorce. And now once again he wants us to get to know one another again and can't understand why I am "adamant" about the divorce.
Do you think my H was being real when he said we had to get divorced or separated in order to "work on us"? No. He was not.
Unless your W takes tangible steps to work on herself and the marriage it's all BS. I hope your Agreement pans out how you planned but each moment it's not legally binding is more time your W has to think about her future with limited monetary resources.
I hope I am wrong but all of this sounds pretty textbook to me. Your W handed you BS to get what she wanted and give you lots of false hope in the process.
OK , did I miss something? Your W says she will never be M to you ever again and then I read you ML the past few day????
Holy Crap! Do you not see something wrong with that?
IMO, there would be no way I would let her touch me, especially being with OM.
You let her go, she comes back and you give in and fall for it.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
The other thing you need to check on ASAP is the fact the two of you had sex this weekend.
You mentioned in an earlier thread Adultery was an available ground to file under. In NY if your spouse has an affair and you sleep with your spouse AFTER the affair you have conceded to the affair and no longer use the legal grounds of Adultery. The statute is SEVEN YEARS in NY.
Since your W did have an affair and you did sleep with her before anything legal was filed there is a good chance you have removed the Adultery ground as an available ground to you since you had sex with your W.
This is why talking to an attny is so necessary when Adultery is a ground to file under. All states differ. Your W might have known that all along and now has protected herself even further.
The other thing you need to check on ASAP is the fact the two of you had sex this weekend.
You mentioned in an earlier thread Adultery was an available ground to file under. In NY if your spouse has an affair and you sleep with your spouse AFTER the affair you have conceded to the affair and no longer use the legal grounds of Adultery. The statute is SEVEN YEARS in NY.
Since your W did have an affair and you did sleep with her before anything legal was filed there is a good chance you have removed the Adultery ground as an available ground to you since you had sex with your W.
This is why talking to an attny is so necessary when Adultery is a ground to file under. All states differ. Your W might have known that all along and now has protected herself even further.
sO I Didn't miss that. Thanks CG. If what you say is true about Adultery, his WAW is far ahead in the game.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
