punkin....yes I do read my horoscope....and I must tell you that the predictions for my sign were right on last year, nothing but challenges...but apparently planets are shifting to a more favorable positions for me now....just about time
CW - thanks for the pat on the back
GAG - This is progress forward in a sense that I'm able to show strong, smiling Mila to H, it's still partially "fake it until you make it" but I'm doing pretty good if I may say so....However, I have no illusions or expectations that H is close to done with OW. Feelings?... that I have....I sense that the relationship with OW is maybe entering a different stage....maybe the reality is starting to set in a bit. The other day he said "I miss washing my car" (meaning in our garage...can't do it in his apartment). I'm sure that's not the only thing that he misses, but safe one to admit to me and to himself.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Journaling - H was over to the house for a meeting on Friday, he was supposed to help me with a computer problem but that never even happened. We had a business meeting first and that turned into a major confrontation. It happened when I wanted to discuss revenue and the possibility that business will not recover and talk about Plan B - setting up a time limit when we call it quits if it doesn't improve...we have been loosing money for months.
H went bonkers....he is in total denial, doesn't even want to admit the possibility. With a normal business partner you should be able to discuss different scenarios and options and make a sound business decision....but H's thinking is not rational. He started to be so defensive and angry, leashing out at me and of course I defended myself...hence the fight. Many things were said on both sides that were more personal then business. We both ended up in tears.
It seems that if I just put on a smile and go along with his "fantasy" view of life and don't object to anything or raise any issues that he doesn't want to deal with, everything is OK...the moment I start to talk about tough issues I'm the bad guy.
I was so upset after the meeting that I cried and cried....that didn't happen to me for quite a while. Couldn't stop thinking about it and the things he said. And the anger at him is back, I thought that I was past that....I don't even want to talk to him now.....need space....didn't return any of his emails all weekend.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Trying not to mind read here, but it appears that your H's guilt is so heavy that when you bring up business problems he feels personally attacked. He seems so fragile right now.
Question: Do you believe if your H was of clear and present mind that your business would be doing better or do you think the economy is a bigger factor?
I have to say how much I admire you for continuing to try and keep the business afloat against tremendous pressure on many levels.
I can't imagine the tremendous dual pressure you must be feeling. Just try to remember that Rule #1 is CYA at all times.
If the business fails, and that's a big IF, it won't be for lack of trying on your part, and could be the scraping bottom that makes your H wake up. On the other hand, he could go on down the Yellow Brick Road blaming you. It's a crap shoot all the way around.
Try to take care of Mila, and stay strong for yourself. ((HUGS))
Mila, I'm SO sorry that you had a confrontation with your H and an emotional weekend!!!!!!!!!! There seems to be WAY too much of that going around here right now, but having to deal with H in your business too must multiply all of the raw emotions exponentially.
From everything that you've written about H in the past it sounds as though he may be having a genuine break with reality.....maybe more than the average MLC. Rhetorical questions that you don't need to answer here if you don't want to: "Is there a history of mental illness in H's family? Is it possible that H's behavior is more than MLC?" Just putting that out there because I don't think you've discussed his family's background before.
Regardless of the cause of his irrational behavior, it sounds as though he doesn't have the mental faculties to have a real world business discussion about these issues now. It seemed that your approach last week in which you spoon fed him was more productive, sad to say. It is NOT fair at all for anyone to ask you to suck it up and spoon feed your H after everything you've been through,......... but for now, if this is the approach that moves Mila forward toward her goal of keeping a revenue stream going, this might be a useful approach to take when dealing with H.
You are under tremendous pressure. You are human and you had a human response. Forgive yourself for that.........and try to give your mind a break from thinking about all of this for at least brief periods of time if you can. That will help tremendously.
Not much to add but wanted to send you a cyber hug ((((hug))))
It is okay to cry and the anger as I have found will continue to surface. I think I have just accept it. What I will say is that is passes pretty quick nowadays. You need to feel the anger and crying is good way to let it out.
I agree with GAG and SA - take care of you.
As for the business, if you feel that it is going downhill. What is your plan B for YOU? Not for your H for YOU.
Finally...you continue to demonstrate a strength that is amazing. Take pride in this.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I hope you're doing better. That had to be an emotionally draining confrontation--but, as Eric points out, sometimes it's better to let it all out, and then keep moving forward.
You know, part of the MLC is that, like a teenager, the depressive feels that if anyone is laughing, criticizing, etc, they're doing it about them. Only in rare moods would your H be able to act like the rational adult you expect. I, too, kept getting hung up on, "But we're partners in M--it's not fair if he's unilaterally making all the decisions/rewritings, etc."
But when you think like that, you just keep getting smashed up against their Fog. I've seen it described as a sort of self-brainwashing, where they tell themselves enough rationalizations about their actions and thoughts, that they actually come to believe it. For a second here or there you might be able to penetrate the fog--but their minds will hastily pull back their protective coating of brainwashed "truths" until they are finally able to start dealing with reality.
Some MLCers, mine included, lose themselves in work as yet another way of distracting themselves from their pain. In your case, it looks as though work is too entwined with his life with you for that to work. As a result, I really don't feel he's going to be able to deal with work-related realities like declining income, as long as he can't deal with what he's doing to you.
I'd suggest that, unless he quickly comes back to you with suggestions based on your last conversation, you consider that you've made your final attempt to consult with him about Plan B, and continue on with making your own Plan B, possibly with the help of a lawyer.
But first, take time to get the tears and anger out of your system--I know you're strong and will be back on your feet, more determined than ever, before long.
SA, Punkin, GAG & Eric - Thank you for so much for your support.
SA -
Quote:
H's guilt is so heavy that when you bring up business problems he feels personally attacked
I believe that this is very true....and I don't know how to address difficult issues without him taking it as a personal attack. He just doesn't want to deal with the realities and the consequences of his actions....he thinks that if he ignores the problem and "thinks positive" it will all work out and all problems will disappear.
The economy of course is a factor in business downturn, but so are his actions in the past year and half. We went through economic down-turns previously and pulled through working really hard...and working as partners, with our hearts and souls invested in it. Since he started his affair...year and half ago....it has all changed....now he is a mental wreck...I was a wreck....all of that has taken it's toll on business. Punkin -
Quote:
It's a crap shoot all the way around
You got that right.... GAG -
Quote:
he may be having a genuine break with reality
I think that he is in over his head....he got himself into a situation that he can't cope with....the quilt he feels must be tremendous...the cheating and lying, betraying his wife and best friend, leaving his family, breaking up OW's family, responsibility he must feel for the other woman, the break down of our business, the financial crisis this is causing. This is too much to handle for a guy that was always a supper responsible guy, committed husband, fantastic father and a guy that measured his worth by always trying to do the right thing.
He feels so bad about himself, that every time we get into a discussion he keeps saying...you think that I'm a looser, you think that I'm scum for what I have done, I know that you hate me....and similar self depriciating statements.
By saying all of those things I think that he is projecting how he feels about himself. I never once said anything like that to him....the opposite...every time he starts saying that, I tell him that I don't hate him, that I don't think any of those things about him.
Eric - Thanks for the confirmation that I'm not alone with the anger resurfacing....I really thought that that stage was behind me....but apparently not. Still don't feel like talking to him...he'd sent me a least 4 emails a day since Friday...I ignored them all. But I guess I have to reply today....have to put that fake smile back on and continue soldiering.
Plan B for me is to start looking for a job....just in case
Hope everyone is doing good, wish you all a fantastic day
((((hugs))))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Hi Mila...I think faking that smile while we are dying inside is just the worst thing. I hate doing it. Being nice to them when you really dont want to be....and that is hard because they never see that in us. They never see how much we do care about them.
Im sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Seems I am going back down that same road as well. I feel the anger just waiting to come from me when he leaves again. This is so unfair that they put us through this. Yet we stay so strong waiting for this MLC to pass.
(((hugs)))
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
