9 Years since 9-11 and my whole world collapsing at the same time as my ex ran off with maggot and my family as I knew it dissolved. I remember him telling me then "the kids will bounce back" and I knew he was wrong and told him so. The kids coped, as I did, but we felt abandoned, kicked in the stomache and coped the best we could. With counselling and a huge effort on my part to act as both Mom & Dad - we remained a family, albeit with a huge hole in the middle for a LONG time.
Fast forward 9 years. I've been divorced for 5 years and in a committed relationship for a bit longer. Chuck married maggot. The kids see him occasionally. They have not met maggot, were not invited to the wedding (or even told about it - read it in the newspaper). There has been much anger towards their dad and moreso - lack of understanding about the whole thing. Maggot has been cruel, immature and even "taunting" throughout.
1st dilemma: Brandon (28) told me last night that Chuck has been pressuring him to forgive and forget and make peace with him and maggot. He wants he and sister Ashley (22) to visit his home and have Christmas dinner etc. The kids have made it quite clear that this is never going to happen. (I have stayed out of this and encourage them to make up their own minds). They tell him that they would not even consider having maggot at their weddings some day but that they would want him there. He is starting to guild them, telling him he is rewriting his will, that he won't live much longer (he is only 57 & in good health) and that it is his "dying wish". He also goes on about how they will have to deal with maggot at his funeral, as it is her who would call them etc (which makes me wonder if there REALLY is something going on with him - like does he have cancer but I think its just more drama).
Brandon is torn. Says if that is his father's only dying wish - how can he not yet it goes against every grain of his fiber and he does not want to accept this woman. He is angry (still) and depressed. I told him it might be time to go back for some counselling and maybe Ashley should go with him.
I suggested that maybe he talk to his father about spending more time with him and his sister and that he might consider taking them on a vacation. I have suggested this for the past 9 years but he has not done it. He says "not without maggot" and the kids would not go along with that. But maybe they all need to work on THEIR relationship not one with maggot who they despise.
OK, ideas would be helpful. I will write a second post about the 2nd dilemma.
Josh and I have maintained a committed long distance relationship for over 6 years. This has been necessary due to several factors - I have my severely disabled 31 year old son and his needs to consider. I have been raising my now 22 year old daughter at home. I ran a business here and was heavily involved in several charities. I have lived her my entire life although spent most of my summers at the cottage and travelled to escape winter when I could. He lives 90 min away and we get together every w/e. He has a very successful career in Toronto and is only 47. He has done well for himself and plans to retire in 5 years.
So we have decided to buy a house together on a lake near the cottage. It will be our joint home although he will not live in it until he retires - just weekends. I will sell my home and cottage to make this work. I am bringing my disabled son to live with us. My daughter will have to get an apt (and she is ok with this). All the kids endorse this plan and my relationship. Josh and I will likely get married at some point as well. He is putting up half the $ for the house.
So - how do I tell my ex? He is prone to anger and emotional outbursts. He acts as though he is "entitled" to visitatin with our disabled son which I have actively arranged for the past 5 years (he rarely saw him when we first split but insisted on an agreed upon schedule during the divorce and often cancels).
The new home is a little over 3 hours away. I intend to let him kow that he can still see Ryan but that I understand it might not be as often. I am willing to be flexible with the timing as it would be take more of an effort on his part to see him. I have reviewed my sep agreement and there is nothing in there about where I am to live. The problem is that this kind of visitation is ongoing for my whole life (ugh). He has not ever helped out with Ryan - either physically or financially. Ryan does not even seem to know him. But still - I am not cruel and I would agree to him seeing him as long as he let me know ahead of time and Ryan was not ill (I don't allow him in my house> So - should I tell him in person or on the phone (we have not spoken in eyars as he always screams at me and my dr wants me out of the drama). Or do I have my lawyer send him a letter? Or do I send him a letter?
I think going through your L is the smartest way. That way your L is aware and your ex is also aware of the L being kept up to speed. Sad it has to be that way but it will help keep you sane.
As for your 1st dilemma...if he really wants the kids in his life he needs to show it. Guilting them into something is just more of the same mind games. Good for you on letting this be between the kids and him. They need you as a sounding board.
Happy for you, Josh and your family.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I feel bad for my son because I know he is struggling with his feelings about this. He says "if it is dad's dying wish - how can I ignore this?" But his father has never apologized to him for what he put him through. The one time Chuck moved back home and wanted to make it all up to us - Brandon could not even look at him. He could not accept it. He told me even then that his father had not ever made peace with him.
The one thing I really worry about for the kids is if there father did die without them making their peace - they would not get that chance later on. So that is a dilemma.
Anyone whoever thinks that somehow we all get past this all, that somehow the kids will bounce back is living in a fantasyworld.
Maybe the kids could offer to meet HIM at a neutral location. If he sincerely wants to build a relationship or he is ill, he should be willing to compromise.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Well the 2 younger kids do meet him for a meal on occasion at neutral location. It is HER that he is anxious to get them to make peace with. And they have no interest in that at all. Why should they? For him? This is really still all about them in the kids' opinion.
So I expect that things will continue as they are for now. Them having a "polite" relationship with him and them avoiding anything deep like going to his home. But now they have guilt in there on top of everything else he did to them.
Brandon mentioned that he thinks his father is drinking again. He just feels there are signs. Ryan's nurses have also mentioned this.
Both younger kids have mentioned their father's strange behaviour (it was always kind of strange) and that he is "losing it" more than ever. The other day he filled out a survey at a restaurant and when asked how he heard about the restaurant (the owner built the restaurant while building our house) instead of answering RADIO NEWSPAPER WORD OF MOUTH - he put down the name of his city. My daughter was floored. It was so obsure and out of place. He also has been driving poorly like up on curbs. Forgetting how to get to restaurants he goes to a couple of times a month for years. Things like that.
I really worry that if something happens to him - the kids will have LOTS of guilt (unjustly) to deal with. He did tell them that they could be spared some of the trouble if maggot died first. Now - there's a plan!
Can you get that plan in writing?? lol Ok maybe not really funny. Sounds like something is up with him. Again that is between him and the kids. She maybe should spend her time worrying about her husband rather than the relationship she has with his kids.
Too bad you can't change people that don't want to change. Hang in there Barb.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Dilemna #2: since you have gotten a lot of advice on the first one, I thought I would hit up the second one for you.
You don't owe your ex any explanation. I get that he wants to have visitation with your S31, but it seems to me that since you are the primary caregiver, he can get his butt up and visit. Point blank just tell him you are moving. The rest, i.e. your relationship, is not his business. Its yours.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yeah Kat - I like that plan & I wish it could be arranged. But I DO think it's funny. Well in a warped kind of way.
Lola - I totally agree with you. But since I manage my son's disability income (which bothers ex - go figure) I don't want him causing me any hassles - which he always seems to try to do when things are not perfect and my life looks better than his. (IT IS!) So - I will let him know and not try to allow him any leeway on it other than to let him know we have to revamp our scheduled visits but he can let me know how he plans to get up there. Simple.
We actually split up at our cottage. Ex was arrested at the time. Lots of drama. Ended up with DUI, indecent acts charges (seriously) and told cops he was going to kill me! So I'm not even interested in letting him know the exact location of my new house. He can have a public visit with my son and his nurse in town (about 20 min away from my new home). He managed to get up there when we cottaged there and also to attend court on many occassions after we split - maggot had to drive him - so he knows where it is - LOL!
luvless - I don't even know how to do that. But I'll write it here.
Barb M 54 WAH 57 M 25 T 30 Bomb 08/28/01 Separated 3 months, reunited 1 week (Dec 14 to 21 01) Divorced 06/05 he remarried 09/05 My new R with Josh 02/04 to present Disabled S 31 S 28 D 22
