Need some encouragement

[Mila]

Kissak - my thoughts are with you. (((((hugs)))))

[ericmsant2]

Kissak -

My prayers and thoughts are with you today.

I want YOU to know that if you confront your H - he may deny it. He more than likely will. They almost always do. So YOU will now need to ask youself...is this what you really want. Do you really want this M. Can you really forgive your H. All very tough questions.

Even if you decide this is no longer what you want I want you to remember that feelings change. People change.

In your anger try as best you can to not hurl all of the chit his way. In the future your feelings and his issues may change - at that point you may want to consider reconciling and it is much easier to do that when you do not have all of the hurtful words stored in memory.

I am not saying not to confront I am saying if you do it. DO it with love and diginity. Do it in a manner that is facual - not a scream fest.

If you confront expect a backlash from your H. I would do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family.

Once again my prayers are with you.

God Bless,
Eric

[kissak]

Thank you everyone for your support. I do appreciate it. I just wish I didnt have to go through any of this.

I did confront my H when I got home on Saturday. I told him I needed to ask him something. I told him that I found a flower purchase order on his bank statement. He said "ok". I told him that I wanted him to explain it to me. I did all of this very calmly. He said yes, he did send someone some flowers. I asked who was she and where did he have them sent....and why.
He then begin studdering to find the words.
He said that she was a friend that had been beaten by her boyfriend. Ex bf I think. I remember him telling me that he had a friend that this had happened to before. HE sent them to her because he wanted to make her feel better. OK, well he said he had them sent to her house in another town. I asked him was he being honest with me. When he said yes, I then showed him the reciept I had from the flowers. THey had been sent to a hotel in a different town. NOT her house. and that HE had picked them up. There is no record of him staying at the hotel. I checked. I asked why he just lied to me> He said I caught him off gaurd and he didnt know what to say. I told him the truth would have been good. Then I asked more questions...his version was he had them sent to the motel so he could pick them up there because the flower place would be closed before he got there. He picked them up, took them to her house in the other town. He claimed he didnt stay the night with her and that nothing happened. I told him I didnt believe him. That I wanted to, but I just couldnt.

He then fussed at me for looking through his stuff.

WE talked calmly for a while. He wasnt expecting any of this that day. He really didnt know what to talk about. I just cant believe he took this girl some roses and it was just to be nice????? His excuse was he is a man and flowers is all he could come up with to make someone feel better. Hello??? If he would treat me the way he treats his friends, we wouldnt have alot of these problems.

I just dont know if I can believe him at all. He has lied about this stuff before. How can I know?

Im tired. I dont want my marriage to end, but I dont want him there or any where around me. I have tolerated him all weekend. He has been lazy and not caring about me or the kids all weekend. He is just there. I didnt tell him to leave because at the time his side seemed so convincing, yet I dont believe him...but there is this doubt in the back of my mind that wants to believe him.

I dont know.

[ericmsant2]

Kissak

So you confronted – what are your next steps for YOU?

I understand that you do not want the M to end.

So if you feel that you do not want the M to end – what are you going to do about it?

Eric

[kissak]

I feel like IM just waiting for HIM to take the next step. I feel that when things get to the point where they are at now, there is nothing I can do to make it any better except be the loving sweet person I am. I still did things for him this weekend. Im still being nice to him. I just dont have it in me to be mean. THats just not me. I know where its going...he will leave again. BUT the question I keep asking myself is should I end it. Just let him know that I dont want to, but that I cant live with him like that. He is making my life miserable. I feel like its over and i wouldnt take him back until he got his life right. That may be never. Im ready to find happiness. I cant do that with him. He will never be open and honest with me about anything.

I feel like I have done all I can do.

I guess Im just waiting on him. I believe he has therapy this afternoon. Im interested in seeing is mood after that or even if he will talk to me about it.

Last night was weird. He wanted me to come to bed and not do anything else. I felt like he wanted to have sex. Im sorry but I just cant do that when my H acts like kissing me is painful. But when I went to bed, he rolled away from me. I felt like he wanted me to start something, but I just dont want to be intimate with him. Especially not knowing for sure if he has been with this OW he took flowers too.

[Upside]

Kissak-
I'm with Eric, you have to figure out what you want...realistically...in your current situation. We all know that you want your marriage to work and your family together...but are you happy with the way things are right now? What will it take for things will get better? Do you have any control over making things better?

I think it is good that you are thinking this through rather than just reacting. Give it time and try to make sense out of all of it. Just be honest with yourself and you will get it sorted out.

(((HUGS)))

[warriorshadow]

I guess Im just waiting on him. I believe he has therapy this afternoon. Im interested in seeing is mood after that or even if he will talk to me about it.

Hi Kissak,
I read your thread off and on and thought I might comment this time. Of course you are just waiting on him. This is MLC!
Now about the therapy, keep in mind that right after therapy they are processing. My W takes roughly a full day before she decides to make a comment or two that was about her session. Since March she has gone once a week to the therapist. I never ask her how it went (That would be prying)and just keep my ears open to hear something the following day. I would say 9 times out of 10 something she says confirms to me that she is moving forward. By moving forward, I mean moving forward slower than slow. I might as well watch paint dry. But it is what it is.

So I read your post and see my W in a lot of what you report.
Making your life miserable,etc, and I think you did the right thing regarding what you felt about being intimate in bed. I know you know to concentrate on YOU in all of this. Very difficult with a live-in to keep your head straight when it is full of mush.

I don't think you want to give up from what I read in your posts. I also would not try to keep searching for reasons to give up just yet. It then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that you may not be able to stop anymore.

Wow! you have a lot of posts. I hope I can hang in there as long as you. You obviously are a very strong woman. He does not realize what he has.

Since the MLC'r is not the H you know right now, I would say he is doing exactly what is to be expected. I know my W does the same goofy stuff you described that your H does.

Hang on to your faith and keep posting. It is so similar to my sitch that I am looking forward to what happens next for you.

[shewholurks]

Kissak,
As you know, you don't have to do anything at this point. He will most likely follow the pattern you have seen over and over again. His excuses don't hold water. He knows this. His actions speak louder than his pretty words. Don't excuse his bad behaviour. Sometimes the person you see is the person they are. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Don't let his words, his laundry list of how Kissak has/hasn't changed, bring you down. I have never seen you as strong as you are this time around. You have blossomed into such a confident woman. You have been at this for a very long time, sweet girl. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your darling children.

You are always in my prayers,
*hugs*
~ swl

[kissak]

Thanks Upside...I am someone who thinks thing thru rather than reacting so quickly.

Warriorshadow...Thank you. I am so much stronger than I was 3 or 4 years ago. Things are different now. I know I will be ok. Im not in shock like I was before when this all started.

I never really pry into his therapy sessions. I have just always asked how they went after he goes. Only because Once when I didnt ask him, he seemed upset that I didnt ask. All he usually tells me is if it went good or bad. Sometimes days later he will bring up something the therapist said. I know he is one who it takes a while for him to process all that was said.

Today he is really giving me some short answers. He is asking what I am doing, and if that is all Im doing. Then when I tell him what Im doing (by text) he gives me this "k". He knows how I hate that. He is definitly processing thoughts. I know he will leave. Just figuring out when Is what is bothering me. When and how. He claims he wont just walk out like before. He will sit down and talk to me about it. But someohow I have my doubts about that. If I didnt have kids with him...I think I would be the Walk away.

[Mila]

Kissak - I really understand where you are at. Between a rock and a hard place. You still love him, you want to save your family, but you have had enough....and now what. Not easy....you were patient for so long, you've tried so hard, but everyone has their braking point. So think of you, what's good for you....how much of this are you willing to take, because nobody deserves what he keeps doing to you....MLC or not.

I personally would not believe his story with the flowers either....trust your gut feeling.

It almost seems like you are too nice to him and he takes advantage...knowing that you will always forgive him....I think that I'm little like that as well.

BTW - in the past was it always him leaving? Or did you ever take a stand and asked him to leave.

Hang in there hun, and take your time to think this through....


((((hugs))))