Well I got home this afternoon to my house and found my wife and daughter in the house. They said they needed internet use and it will be another week before it is hooked up. My wife was gathering up some other clothes of hers. She made a point to tell my daughter that she can fit in my daughters jeans now. My wife has gone from a size 4 to 2. She is very thin now. I did not comment. My wife said she wanted to buy the same picture that was over my fireplace (that she took) and replace it with the same one but in a different color. I could not figure that out unless some way she wants to stay connected to the house. I know people out there will say dont read or think about what is in her head. I told my wife I was going away next weekend. She asked me where and I said a football game with our son. I asked if she could walk the dogs and she said yes. She asked me if she could come over this week to use the internet. I said yes. She then asked me if she should call before coming and I said no. In any case, I have had a lot of surprise visits. The journey is on. Bobby O
She then asked me if she should call before coming and I said no.
Normally I do not promote this approach but in your case Bobby I think it may be warranted. She has left the house - I would ask her to call before she comes over. It is no longer her house. She has decided to leave the martial home - not you. In my mind - she is now a visitor.
Bobby - maybe I am wrong here but what I see in you is a man that really does not like conflict. A man that thinks that he can just be nice to her and that she'll just come around. Bobby I have been there. I have tried to manipulate a situation by being nice. I sat around and thought...oh...this is a 180 for me...yes...if I do this or that..she will see that I am being nice and remember just how much she loves me. Bobby - none of it worked.
Do you know what works?
Let her go completely - let her go now.
Begin to write down a list of things that you want to do for YOU
Begin to live your life as if she is never coming back.
Bobby - i am not saying be an as*hole. No. What I am saying is that the nicer you are too her...willing to help..willing to help her with this or that....the more she just may get the sense that you are okay with this.
Think about it...
God Bless, Eri
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
i've been reading all the incredible posts for Bobby O and wanted to ask everyone about how i (as the LBS with 4-year old twins) get over the loneliness. Hard to describe, but even with all the love my kids provide (and friends too), going the journey without the man i love by my side makes it very very lonely in so many ways. I have worked on myself - and continue to - but how do i get the physical connection i'm longing for? Someone to "take care of me" while I'm taking care of everything else?? Thoughts?
together 17 years married 11 years 4 year old twins he moved out May 2010
Sorry Annie, I know you don't want to hear this, but if your H is in MLC, the journey can be very long. Years in almost all cases. Everyone here that has been around for a few months or more realizes that this takes a lot of time. I would read the resources from Cadet to keep getting more informed on what you have your hands on. There are great people here to help you. Do not be afraid to ask questions. There is a lot to learn but the rewards are great if you are willing to spend your time wisely. I hear your question, but I think your answer will be in Cadet's resources. I am trying to lead you to a place that will give you what you are looking for. If you don't find what you are looking for than you got to keep asking more questions. I am not trying to be mysterious, just keep reading and reading.
Bobby - i am not saying be an as*hole. No. What I am saying is that the nicer you are too her...willing to help..willing to help her with this or that....the more she just may get the sense that you are okay with this.
Eric it's not that I don't agree with this, but I just hope others can give their perspective on this issue. For it's one I'm struggling with daily since my husband seems to need a lot of contact. I too have often though that perhaps he thinks I'm OK with this since I am friendly and happy when he visits. Pulling back and making "rules" seems contrary to the "be the lighthouse" way of thinking but at the same time, I can totally see your point.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I did speak to my marriage therapist the other day who told me to leave the door open for now as she is confused and it has onlybeen a liitle over a week that she has moved out. She told me that I will need to set boundaries but it is too early to see what happens. I do see Erics point and have considered it. I am happy I have you all to share things with. This is a lonely darkroad. I do try to add light to the path by surrounding myself with my children, family and close friends. God has heard me in quiet prayer and I do believe he hears but things will be done in his time. Until then I follow the journey and read and learn about the real Bobby O
I think you are doing the right thing. Boundaries set in early MLC are harder to enforce and the MLCer will often use it to justify what they are doing or have done.
Just watch out for cake eating and do what you have to to protect yourself and your heart. You do this by detaching and not analyzing all that the MLCer does and says. Let those things bounce off of you.
Boundaries can be set later when you are more sure of your footing and the balance to enforce them. Your MT is right. MLC = Confusion!
Bobby, for being so early into this, you're doing great!
