I'm back at work - so lucky to have something I love. Teaching is just a great fit for me.
But I woke up in the middle of the night and can't fall back to sleep. The morning is going to be rough.
And I am surprised how thoughts....unwelcome thoughts, seem to percolate to the surface during these times of staring up into the ceiling. Just about what was, what is.
I put back all the weight I had lost with the heartbreak diet. A double-chin is showing up in photos of me. I have always been a little surprised at the image that faces me in photos - very few match my inner perception of how I look, if that makes sense. Now, it is really disquieting. My daughter pointed out that I remind her of a neighbor who is very overweight and....not attractive. It hurt. It wasn't said to be mean, but I am carrying that scar for a while, I can tell you that.
Thoughts of x and his gf crop up from time to time. He had the kids over to his house for a little while today, so they could do a special project - my kids and her 4 each made a personalized stepping stone for the walkway up to their house. I guess things are going well over there. This will not be one of those affairs that falls apart in the light of day, so it seems. And I guess I should be happy for him, that he is happy. He said once that he had to find a way to be happy so he could be the best father he could be. And he is a good dad, given the circumstances.
I think I am in a bit of a rut. I am just a homebody by nature, I guess. But that makes it hard to get out and meet people, doesn't it? It feels against the grain to going looking for friendships/relationships. I want to sit at home and read, not worry about how I look. I think it is just laziness. The complacency that was my marriage was comfortable. I tend to go back to those behaviors, but there is no man in my bed at the end of the day. I didn't think I had to work in my marriage, which is a big contributor to why it failed. And if I don't get used to the idea that effort is going to be needed, I won't have a future relationship, either.
I have a choice. I can just accept things as they are, and be alone. It is certainly less work/easier. I don't answer to anyone. There have been more weekends than I care to admit when I didn't have the kids and I just let my inner-hermit take over. It is hard enough to have the energy I need to just survive daily. Exercise? Getting out? Calling friends and doing the other needed things to keep up relationships? Ugh...too many times, I can't be bothered. I'm just feeling like a schlump right now. I'm not excited about anything, no motivation to do much.
