LH, No one is suggesting that it is OK to have an affair. Ever. I don't think that anyone deserves it, regardless of circumstance. I don't know that you understand this to be my stance, so I am just putting it out there.
I am very sorry for your pain. It does get better, honest.
The one thing that I have to offer is to never do something you are not ready to do, or not wanting to do. (i.e. be the one to file). If you don't want a divorce, you should let your H be the one to do it. In the meantime, however, protect yourself financially.
You are not alone, LH. There are so many great people here that will give up their time to offer you support/guidance. Let them.
