How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks all of you.

He came back this evening with two of the three kids - one refuses to see him and stays with me. Went very quickly. I felt so lonely that I broke a rule and rang him.

I told him how this situation was unbearable, how I missed him, how I couldn't even be natural with him. He said I hadn't even kissed him hello, and I explained that it was all too painful, that I couldn't just pretend nothing was happening, he was just some acquaintance. I asked him what his plans were, if this move was permanent, if he was going towards divorce. He said "no, I need time, I want to give it time."

Then he started in on his litany of reproaches: "you let yourself go in every way, clothes, appearance... the house is disorderly, I wouldn't even want to come back to it, I feel better in my flat on my own." I said to him that the house was clean, and reasonably tidy (the children have to play and have toys around). I said that I'd always been clean and neat, he just hadn't made it clear that at some stage he was dissatisfied with my appearance, that he wanted me to change. I told him that his rejection of me was destroying me as a woman, that I was trying to pick myself up but that he couldn't expect miracles all of a sudden. I reminded him that he'd said I was useless, a nothing. He doesn't remember saying things like that, of course. I also reminded him that I'd never criticized him in that way, had tried to understand him and listen to him. He said then that he'd been a very bad husband in his own way too.


In essence, - I won't go into the rest of the conversation - he's giving me a "chance" to improve things. Part of me is glad, then part of me is angry at this arrogant attitude. He always manages to be on his high horse, pick out all my faults, see no good sides to me and totally justify his having to leave me.


I admit to being a bit slow in getting things done, but my home has always been welcoming and clean, if a little disordery. I have always worked full time and 70km from home (until this year - I'm now 25km from home).I wasn't a woman who spent hours before a mirror, I was clean,neat and functional in dress. It used not to be a problem (until OW?) or if it was, he didn't say it to me. I spent time with my kids and cooking meals he liked. I spent little time on myself. I can see things that got to him - 180s? - but he also had lots of flaws himself. He demands more of me than I've ever demanded of him.

I feel that I've failed on DBing, as I should never have called, but I was desperate. I'm desperately lonely, miss him terribly and feel all in. It's all I can do to get up, go to work, look after my kids and keep on an even keel. He had an affair, but I'm the one grovelling, somehow. Something tells me I should get angry, call him up on his behaviour, tell him all the little things that made life difficult with him for me : his tendency to be always in a hurry, always hurrying us up - I'd be rushing out the door, not having had time to put on makeup or spend time arranging myself, his tendency to criticize and denigrate constantly, his tendency to be so absorbed in work or some film that no-one could talk to him, his tendency to get angry when we made love because I wasn't relaxed enough(!), his wanting everything perfect, everything like it seemed to be in others' houses, rather than being happy for what he had at home.

He's coming 'round tomorrow morning. I think I should try to redress the balance a bit. If I can take criticism on the chin, so can he. No matter what happens in the future, he'll only make himself and others (me or SO else) unhappy if he doesn't face up to his exorbitant demands on others. He demands of others what he's not willing to give himself.

On a brighter note, my two younger kids told me that they went to the climbing club with him this morning and OW was there with her kids. He was displeased to see them and was very frosty with her when she came over to talk with him. A ploy or "is she really going out with him?" as Joe Jackson used to sing?

Advice please - but go easy on the criticism; I've very little self-esteem left.


I'm ready to be lashed by veteran DBing bodies. I'm just about ready to crack. I still love this man - decision, not just feeling. I don't want a divorce. But neither do I want some unreasonable censor to come back here condescendingly "for the children", a possibility he evoked on the phone.

NCU