Here I am! Please pose your questions you may have regarding my experience with MLC and I'll attempt to give you (and others) some clarity regarding the MLC mind.
Wonka-I started a thread on withdrawal and acceptance. I would appreciate so much if you could write a post there on what you remember about the final stages of your MLC experience.
Wonka, I appreciate your perspective as someone who has experienced MLC. I guess that at this point, what has me most confused about my XH is "What is going through his mind that has caused him to begin reconnecting with me about 3 months ago?"...........I know, I know. I'm asking Wonka to mind-read (please be gentle with your 2x4s)...........I'd just like to hear Wonka's perspective on this. I have always tried to be a 'safe harbor' for H/XH. Only raised my voice twice during the whole D and aftermath. We are now 24 months post-bomb and I am getting very tired of this 'cat and mouse' game.
Since I last posted substantively about my situation here I have done a lot of reading about MLC on another site, read some of Jim Conway's info, and really tried to figure out where XH may be in all of this. I realize that I am much more confused than before because I have such limited information about XH's life. When XH began to reconnect in June I thought that maybe he was in Withdrawal.........(XH's (alcoholic (in recovery)) mother almost died in February and I wasn't certain whether the depression I saw then was solely due to that or a stage in his MLC or both????)
XH had withdrawn from me beginning mid-August----that was the last time we saw one another in person after more frequent contact earlier in the summer------I've wondered if there is another OW but don't know. I finally looked at XH's FB page (never looked before) and saw a comment suggesting that there was another OW in May and that they had been invited to northern WI. XH went to the place in northern WI in late July, so there's a good chance he went with OW then (if so, would that put him in Replay?)..........The part that I don't understand....and that is entirely contrary to the H that I knew for 5 years, is "Why, if there was another OW, was he increasing contact with me at the same time that he was seeing her?" H/XH is not a player type. That is not the type of thing he would do...........I know that this conjecture is not productive, but I am writing it here because this is part of my thought process right now.
I haven't initiated any communication with XH since my decision to go dim 9/3. I needed the time to regain control over my emotions and think about whether I was going to stop actively 'standing'. 24 months ago today H/XH dropped the bomb. Tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary. I am tired of spending so much effort 'standing' and enough time has passed that I am thinking right now more about XH's flaws and less about his strengths........
XH must have sensed this because last night (saturday night) XH texted me at midnight to ask if I wanted to play ping pong this week. This seems to be a pattern that is emerging. When I go dim, XH initiates contact after 1-2 weeks. Ughhhhhhhh! Distancer-pursuer. I've read information on the distancer-pursuer dynamic so I guess that means that XH and I are still in some type of relationship, albeit non-productive.
Received a birthday present in the mail from XH's sister (VERY thoughtful of her-----she lives in another state) and the card said "Wish we could be there to celebrate with you". Her H (a minister) also wrote something in the card that said something about me being an incredible woman. I think they appreciate that I visit her mother frequently. Don't know that I can read anything more into it than that.
Oh....and before I forget.......XH continues to sign all of his e-mails with the first letter of his name (this was a little intimate thing we always did-----signing cards and emails with only the first letter of our names).
Sorry this was so long and rambling. That's what the inside of my brain looks like right now.
GAG
Last edited by goodattitudegirl; 09/13/1005:23 AM.
.The part that I don't understand....and that is entirely contrary to the H that I knew for 5 years, is "Why, if there was another OW, was he increasing contact with me at the same time that he was seeing her?" H/XH is not a player type. That is not the type of thing he would do...........
Remember that during MLC they become the opposite of what they have been their whole life.
The scientific explanation of this come from menopause. Male menopause causes the men to lose testosterone and gain estrogen. Women are the complete opposite of this during there menopause. So at the end of our lives men and women become closer to being the same than the middle parts of our lives. When we are born we have very little hormone production. We become opposites(men and women) at puberty and stay that way until menopause when we become the same again. I hope that is written clearly enough.
Your H antics are perfectly predictable according to MLC. He is following the script almost to the letter. Trying to keep you "not to close, not too far away"
Finally, if there is still an OW he is still in replay. That is bad news, sorry.
You must continue to live your life "as if" he is not coming back. I would ask him about the OW. You must still enforce your boundaries. He will more than likely have some crazy explanation for her.
What would you do if you were dating a new man? I would do the same thing as your answer to the above question.
I read up a bit in your thread on page one...here are a few questions that I need some information on:
How old are you and XH? How long married? Divorce finalized in12/09, right? Bomb dropped sometime in 2008, right? 1 OW in 2009? Traumatic event: mother's Alzheimer's disease (any death?)
Is this the correct "short" version of your sitch?
I've read information on the distancer-pursuer dynamic so I guess that means that XH and I are still in some type of relationship, albeit non-productive.