the anger

[needinghope]

Hello to all, I haven't posted in a while, so here it all is in brief.

H out on June 5th 2009 but wanted to go to counseling. We had a rough time for the last 2-3 years of our marriage, or as he says, forever. Whatever the case, he had an affair in the Spring of 07. When I discovered it, he wept, confessed, and swore to stop seeing her. Two more discoveries later with the same woman, I lost faith in our marriage.

I called a coach and did what she said. Though I felt it went well for most of May, he moved out anyway. Yet, he swore that he wanted to go to MC to heal our marriage, so we went every week and sometimes twice.

There were two times that I wanted out. I felt blamed and saw no progress or willingness on his part. But, he convinced me to not give up, so I didn‘t. After 15 weeks of intense counseling, I discovered that he never stopped seeing the OW! Ever! For two and a half years. I was incredibly upset, to say the least.

I filed last September and everything was final this past April.

I've learned so much in this process, mostly about myself. I had to come to terms with my contributions to the problem, and that sucked. The hardest part is over now, but I can't escape the feeling that, during this whole process, I made it really easy for people to believe his "crazy wife" story used to justify his behavior.

I hate how angry I got and how I acted. I sent crazed emails and spewed such hatred through text messages to both of them. He usually ignored them, but she always replied. She was condescending and self-righteous, as if that makes any sense.

My C once pointed out that I never attempted to cause them physical harm, and that's a route some women take. I guess I can take some comfort in that. In a weird, dark way.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I need to move past the guilt i feel and how ridiculous I got. I need to hear your stories, if you've been to that place.

[needinghope]

I joined a church last Sunday. In May, I moved to a new city. Alone. By myself. I needed a new start.

Today I returned to my church as a member. I’ve never been good at meeting people, so the move has been difficult. I’ve doubted myself a lot along the way. But, I sense, in a place deeper than my own emotions and perceptions, that all of it is very good for me.

Anyway, I noticed that the church serves lunch in a park downtown every Sunday. I decided I wanted to make myself go and resist the urge to go home and curl up with a book. So, I stuck around after the service and looked for people who knew how things worked there. I met some great folks.

I got to the park and helped set up and serve food, and then I got a plate and sat with a small group of people in the park. Three of the gentlemen were homeless and told the best stories about life in their world. It’s the best Sunday afternoon since I’ve moved here.

[ClingingToHope]

I only had one phone call that I truly regret. After she filed I called her up angry and swore a little bit and raised my voice. She was going back on several things we'd agreed to in a meeting she pushed for in February.

In the end, it looks like most of what we talked about in February will end up in the agreement so that's good I guess.

I'm disappointed in myself because I did a lot of snooping before December. I changed the after school routine so I'm almost never over at "the house" anymore.

I did run over the For Sale sign once. That was really stupid.

But that's it.

In our first mediation session, I tried several times to make points and after she told me all I do is talk, talk, talk, I never listen. So the next two I barely said a word and let her talk herself in circles. She nearly gave me joint physical custody.

So my goal going forward is to answer any question she has as briefly as possible and otherwise not say anything to her. She no longer deserves to know what I'm thinking or feeling.

Good job on finding a fresh start. If I didn't have kids I would have done the same thing.

[TimeHeals]

I'd rather eat a good taco or go for a nice walk than waste much time being angry about something I can't change.

But that's me.