Exactly Coach. My thoughts exactly. I was compassionate about not taking advantage of the situation when she was broken down offering 100% custody, house, cars, everything. I chose not to do that because it is the right thing to do. That is compassion.
Letting her go is not compassion for her, but for myself. I had to let myself free, and in doing so I did the most loving thing for both her, and ME.
I'm interested Coach on how you think I handled the sitch post-crazy town on Friday until now. I've posted here below because I've lost the sight of getting advice on future moves in the thread on the argument of kids and compassion. See below:
Originally Posted By: john28
Okay people time to catch you up on my DRAMA FILLED sitch. This is some crazy stuff.
First, I'm not a Retrovaille anymore. So I can post more detail when it's not from my mobile.
Friday after she flipped sh~t and tried to swallow a bottle of tylenol and was asking for the gun I physically held her down for a while to let her calm. When she was calm enough, she sat up in my bed and told me "Take it all, take our son 100%, take the house the car, everything, I'll sign it all over to you right now." I knew she wasn't in her right mind, and being the COMPASSIONATE person that I am I told her she was crazy and she needed to calm down.
Then she got pissed as all heck at me. Yelled at me the most horrible things I've ever heard a person say:
you were the biggest mistake of my life I hate you and will always hate you You're a despicable human being You're such a monster You are just like your f'ing Dad I will never love you again I'll never be with you again EVER <insert drama filled quote here>
After she got over the anger, that I wasn't reacting to, she broke down and started to hug on me and crap with that tactic. I broke a little only because I haven't had her hold me like that in months, and I admit I took advantage of that moment and just held her to have someone hold me again. After that, I told her that all that stuff she said wasn't what I was going to do, I was better than that and I wouldn't take our son 100%. She calmed down finally and I told her that we'd figure out what to do. (no promises).
So she said she will go to Retrovaille. We get in the car, we go there. We get there. She is working with me at first, then she just starts writing stuff in the sessions like "I don't want to be here and you forced me to be here, blah blah, I FEEL trapped, blah blah" in her notebook which is part of the exercises.
I let my guard down at Retro and so did she finally that night. I felt that at that time, holding a guard was of no use in Retro. She let hers down slightly. We shed a lot of tears together. It was an emotional night. We parted to separate beds in our room. About an hour later or so, she came into my bed and slept with me that night.
This morning we get up and go to the sessions. She's not as open as the night before. She's starting to close down. She doesn't really cooperate. I'm pouring my heart out in these sessions where you write feelings, and she is putting 1 or 2 sentences down where I have 3 pages. I was exposing myself, and when I did, she would say "our M is over and I'm never ever ever going to be M to you again, ever." I stopped. I took a step back at lunch today. I reflected on what brought us here and why SHE was there.
I told her that I was leaving. That I would not force her to be here, and I refuse to be the only one to work on this marriage anymore. She said fine, and we left. We drove in the car 5 hours back and I had a lot to think about.
Anger can be a very powerful tool. I can't remember the last time I was this angry. It just so happens that a dose of anger was what the doctor ordered for me.
On that 5 hour car trip with her next to me, I let her go. I detached. I really did. I completely let her go for now. I realized this isn't healthy for me (physically, and emotionally) and it was not healthy for her. I told her that when we got home, we were dividing up our stuff and deciding on custody. I was done with her. I don't want to be with her right now. She's toxic to me.
We got back here, and within 3 hours we divided up everything. I have 40% visitation. I'm OK with that. She waves alimony. I take on a little more debt. I'm not going to go broke. She will struggle greatly. We worked out everything this evening.
I needed to do that now because if I would have waited, I might not have had the resolve to get what I wanted or I would have floundered again and asked her back. I needed to be done. I know I didn't go and get a L, but crap, what's the point now? I got a pretty damn good deal tonight - if it holds up which I think it will.
Some of you will fault me for not getting a lawyer and fighting her tooth and nail on all this stuff. That's fair. But what I got in the end is much more valuable than money or stuff. I gave myself the gift of freedom. I chose the path of working with her to expedite this process so I can begin rebuilding myself. That was my choice, and I felt no manipulation to make it as I was in the drivers seat.
I am just so tired of this. I have nothing left to fight for her anymore, and it is probably better that way. This afternoon I let her go, and tonight I freed myself of her financially and emotionally. When all was said and done, I felt liberated. I felt FREE. I felt ALIVE. And for once, I felt LOVED by myself for allowing myself to do this. The most predictable thing in this whole situation?
As soon as we finished all this negotiation and I had let her go, I saw a love in her eyes that I haven't seen in nearly a year. She looked at me after we were done and I felt her soul again. I felt it looking right at me, thanking me for freeing each other of this torment. I looked at her with more love than I think I ever had before - and I was detached. I love her with every part of my soul, but we need to be free of each other now.
She said that she hadn't felt love like this for me in a long time, and she felt good about us now after all of this. Frankly I did too. I feel like we might have a good shot at saving our M. We can now be civil to each other, show each other love, and not have to worry about who has the upper hand anymore. It's done. We're on even keel. I finally feel FREE. I had finally let go.
As I stared into her watering eyes, both of us looking at each other, we stood and shared an embrace, then a kiss. It felt like no other - because it was a kiss of FREE WILL.
We then ML for the first time in 4 months, then she left for her house.
Thanks everyone here for sticking with me through this and telling me to let go. I guess I just have a higher capacity for bullsh~t than the average person, combined with my compassion and co-dependency it made an awful combination. But, she's free now. I've dropped the rope. I'm moving on with my life with or without her. It's a mutual understanding now that if we can make ourselves into better people, we might give it a go again. There is a lot of love between us, but so much crap piled on it right now that it stinks so bad to get near it.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Your W has behaved badly for some time. For the past few weeks her "reward" for behaving badly was you taking her out on dates.
Your W behaved badly before Retro and her reward was you still attending Retro.
Your W behaved badly AT Retro and her reward was leaving (what she wanted) the being rewarded with a settlement (what she wanted).
She pushes you to your absolute limit in a very manipulative way, you cave and she plays on your compassion.
See an attny TOMORROW and get everything you discussed in writing and give her a VERY limited time to sign it.
WAS have a tendency to offer leniency and a cooperative spirit when negotiating "no the fly" (as you both did - negotiations were fueled by many drama filled days) tend to backtrack once they realize what they agreed to.
I would begin tomorrow making plans (closing accounts, getting things in writing, making this legally binding) and so on. Stay dark and NO MORE TALKING to her aside from your son. If she sticks to this Agreement then you have no reason to further discuss finances and paperwork can be exchanged via the mail.
Your W is high drama. The high drama WAS doesn't stop being high drama but you don't have to indulge her any longer. When her words no longer could control you she went to extreme measures to get her way (pills, gun). You let that "slide" once, don't make that mistake again. While this is a degree of mind reading it worked for her once and when she feels like she is backed in a corner again (financially for example) she will take extreme measures again.
Remain loving to yourself and your son but remove her totally. You can't even begin to heal with her so present.
Oh and John, you mentioned she asked for "the gun." I'd be really careful that it's unloaded and secured...I lost a niece to a "domestic" dispute five years ago. Crazy is as crazy does.
Get an attorney and fast. Sounds like you have a sweet deal and the sooner it's in writing via L, the better for you.
I am proud of you for letting her go. It's so hard to do but the best thing.
You said:
I am just so tired of this. I have nothing left to fight for her anymore, and it is probably better that way
This reminds me of something I read once... "I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
Obviously I have my issued sidearm in the house, I keep it in a gun lock box with a code only I know. My W has not done anything like that, she acts like everything on her end is peacky! but you do need to keep it safe not only bcuz of the W but also your S that is why I lock mine up, the kiddos...
It may be a different action and feeling for other people, but this is what it meant for me:
I saw that attempting to control the outcome of our situation was futile. Even if I succeeded in "keeping" WAS married to me, it wouldn't have lasted. I saw that the only way this could work out, if it could, was to let the WAS make their own choice to come back into this marriage. My WAS wasn't ready to do that, and would continue to feel that way if I pressured, pursued, or reasoned with them to stay. Any way I would have tried to control or manipulate the situation to my favor would eventually have been seen through clearly, and would have caused resentment in the relationship - even if it worked. I knew it was time to recapture the person that I was, and not this desperate soul seeking approval of my spouse. So, I didn't let my WAS go - I set myself free of this bondage instead.
It's not about letting someone go. Most LBS will never be able to look at it like that in their desperation to keep their spouse. Instead, when you look at it as setting yourself free from the pain and torment, it is easier. The consequence is that you may never be with your spouse again, and sure that hurts, but I finally saw that by not setting myself free I would be hurt much more and for a longer period of time.
That's what letting go is to me.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
