Thanks for your thoughts Eric. You certainly made me think.
Your welcome and hopefully you can return the favor.
Quote:
Are you suggesting that "finding" myself necessarily includes saying NO more often even if we haven't eaten and D and I would both enjoy the meal?
No that is not what I was saying.
Quote:
I didn't do anything intentionally to damage the M. He has done that and has been unwilling to look back.
Just wondering but HOW could you really say this? Let me ask you this question Alb….
Did YOUR actions (selfishness, intimacy issues, control) hurt him less than his current actions hurt you?
One other question….how long will you stand for your M?
Oh…and congrats on the pole dancing class and the pumps…I not touching the comments on toys….lol.
Have a good weekend
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You can tell me to go pound sand if you like, but there is a lot of stuff jumping out at me that reminds me of me in my earlier (and not so distantly past) days.
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
I certainly have a different situation to deal with than many of you.
Really? Cause from where I sit it really doesn’t look all that different. You, your husband and your situation are not terminally unique. The details might differ, there might be differences in what you are experiencing on a daily basis, but ultimately you’d be surprised just how similar a lot of these sitchs are. Just how “scripted” MLC (and the LBS reality too btw) really is. I remember feeling that way though, I wanted to believe my situation was different for many reasons.
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
This week, my H has been making a LOT of contact. So much so that it made me wonder… But I quickly put that out of my mind since I KNOW this is a rollercoaster ride …
Yet you go on to detail all the stuff you wondered. Practice TRULY putting it out of your mind. To continue to wonder just shows that you didn’t actually accomplish this …
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
Fortunately, if he noticed, he didn't say anything and it hasn't seemed to bother his mood any.
The words “fortunately” and “bother” are what people are picking up on. Shouldn’t matter what the outcome, if you truly are
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
glad to have it back on. [because] It feels more like me.
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
I'm fairly certain he's still in replay.
Oh, how I wanted to figure this out … but really … it doesn’t matter at this stage. Keep reading the resources, gain some insight and knowledge, but use them as a source to help you build up your compassion and understanding. Not to attach any kind of expectation or timeline to this.
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
My D and I booked tickets to my brothers wedding in October and he hasn't mentioned anything about going. Which is very sad. My H met my brother when my brother was 6. My brother looked up to him as he grew up and they are, in a lot of ways, like brothers. I don't know whether H will decide to go or not, but I'm not asking. I will hope for the best but really won't be surprised if he doesn't attend. I think in actuality, he's probably quite afraid to face my parents. He's always had a good relationship with them and has still spoken with both since the split. I've told my parents nothing and they have no reason to think badly of him. But I still think he would be majorly uncomfortable with them. My sister , on the other hand, like I said earlier, had a MAJOR blow out with him (due to his MLC short fuse) and has sworn him off completely. I think H doesn't want to deal with that and unfortunatley, my brother will probably be slightly hurt by the whole thing.
Welcome to crap that MLC throws at us. My H has been in our family for longer than my brother has even been alive. Talking to them as little as possible will help in both the short-run and the long-run, most people outside of the experience do NOT understand at all.
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
When H arrived, he asked to take HIS Dremel. That was a very odd choice of words and he used it TWICE so I know it wasn't an accident. It wasn't THE Dremel, it was HIS Dremel.
Seriously Alb, you are going to have thicken up that skin if these sorts of comments are going to get to you. You are likely going to hear WAY worse before it gets any better. After your self admitted years of selfishness is it really that odd that he might try to assert himself?
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
But this was the first time ever that D has been away from me at night just to be with H. Kind of gave me a glimpse of a future I don't relish with possible house swapping for my D.
Man do I know this feeling. This is exactly what I have been struggling with lately and it’s no cake walk. But it is what we make of it. We choose how we handle it. Grieve your marriage, the old one is DEAD. PERIOD. Life is changing so feel it … but then choose to make lemonade … choose to see the silver linings.
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
I think sometimes I keep myself SO busy that I don't have time to truly breathe it all in.
Take time to feel. Take time to be still. Take time to think. I am so guilty of this. So guilty of responding quickly to whatever … I’m slowing down. It’s a good plan. TIME. We’ve all got it. What’s your rush?
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
I didn't do anything intentionally to damage the M. He has done that and has been unwilling to look back.
This statement is counter to what you seem to know about MLC. And it’s blame passing too … you made choices … to be selfish, manipulative, unavailable, etc … and you can say they weren’t “intentional” but ultimately you made the CHOICE to behave in those ways. Did you think it would help your M?
There are two other things that jump out at me from your posts. The first is the defensiveness with which you post back sometimes (take a guess as to why I recognize that one!) ... no one is attacking you … they are probing, pushing, asking … but not attacking.
The second is that you seem to be “I know, I know”ing your way through the front end of this (I’ll give you two guesses as to why that jumps out at me … and the first one doesn’t count). I was told this pretty early on, and I thought “whatever” … but they were right.
You want to know what I see as missing … the “WHY”s.
WHY were you selfish? WHY were you manipulative? WHY were you sexually unavailable? WHY are you closed with personal relationships? WHY…
Alb, I see that you heard your H’s words. You’ve thought about them enough to have felt the sting and now you are doing 180s up the ying-yang. It’s time to dig. Girl, I know you have it in you. Time to pick up that shovel (Eric’s offering to loan you his shovel with the lilac glitter handle  )and DIG into the whys. Doing 180s if a fine “fake it till ya make it” strategy … but in order to make it, IMO, you are gonna have to get to the foundation of it all.
Find you. Find your “why”s …
Oh, and for the record, cause I know you are gonna go there … I thought I knew me too. I thought I was confident and self assured and assertive blah, blah, blah. I certainly appeared that way to the world, my H included.
I was hiding.
Peace PEI
Last edited by PEImom_of_3; 09/12/1002:52 PM. Reason: I'm a crappy speller
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
If you would like to be on the alt with the rest of us then I suggest you become a friend of DB. Let me know when you have done that and I will find you.
Do not post any personal information on these boards since it is against the TOS(Terms of Service) agreement that you signed when you got your username and password here from MWD.
