How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Hi again HIH,

glad you sent the message. It wouldn't have been right to let her birthday go without saying anything. Even to a WAS.

I too have a text message on my mobile from the 18th of April last (2 weeks before the bomb). It says "I'm sad about all that's happened (the A), but please don't worry, nothing's over between us" (H and self).Two weeks of normal loving behaviour, an intense intimate life and then : "I want out - have been playacting for years, can't desire you anymore...). I'm not so naïve as to believe it happened overnight, but he showed real feeling and initiated intimacy right up to the bomb. So I think there's confusion and crisis there and it's too early to bring in the undertakers as yet. The same is probably true of your wife.

Detachment is easy to advise and seems very hard to practise. Everything reminds me of him, of all he meant to me. I realize, though, that I had put him on a pedestal and he's rather fallen off that. I always ga

[NotCrackingUp]

(continued)

I always gave in to him and made few demands.I built my life around this hero and it's hard to make out any recognisable stucture in the smoking ruins. Getting a life sounds great too, but I find his rejection of me has destroyed my self-confidence and made it difficult for me to talk to others naturally as I used to.

Take care
NCU

[hurtinhartford]

Coach told me that when I said my W and I were like newly weds was that she was trying to get that loving feeling back. So if that is the case that was probably what your H was doing. We were so blind to all of it we thought that everything was going to okay....then Bam!

I agree GAL is difficult because I am having a good time and then think it would be even better if my W was here. I know that there is no specific timeline on this sitch. I think my W has internalized this just like she did with my A so I could be here to infinity. However, I have more respect for myself than that and know that there is someone out there who would appreciate what I can offer so I will wait, but not forever.

[Oxymoron]

The talking naturally comes easier with time. I only have a few more months practicing than you, and I'm getting better at it already It was very hard for me, because my time was spent working on the yard, garden, pets and house. When he left, so did a lot of 'our' friends, since he was the outgoing friendly one and I was the shy one. One of my 180s is to have at least one conversation a day with someone I've never spoken to. Even a short exchange in line at the market counts....just as long as I'm trying to practice being more warm and open-because I need a lot of practice!

[Dagny-2]

NCU,

One thing my C said to me that I thought struck a nerve, is that as women we tend to love the potential our H could be, not the person they are. I never thought I did that, but there might be a grain of truth in it. We know they can be so much better, but somehow they don't live up to it. I guess they can feel that? I don't know, trying to figure them out is like nailing jello to the wall.

I agree, it is some crisis they have. I refuse to believe he didn't love me at all during the years, he did, I know it, but something did change, I know that too. And I wish I knew what it was, but I probably will never know. I think letting him go and keeping your contact at the bare minimum will let him know that if he is unhappy, it is not because of you or your children, but rests within him. Until they figure it out, there is nothing we can do to help them, my thoughts. What happened last time for me. Stay Strong!

Oxy, I love your goal of talking to someone new every day. Great idea!

Dagny

[Stubborn-Male]

NCU,
you have my sincere sympathy with you. It is difficult to cope with a WAS, I can only say it gets better.
GAL is good, if you can do it. I found that I needed time to get my feelings in order first and I found it difficult to talk to other people naturally. Deciding what you want is the hardest part; I find that for all my life I have been putting partners first, without realising what my needs were. I am in the process of deciding what I want, you will have to decide soon what it is that makes you happy.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks all of you.

He came back this evening with two of the three kids - one refuses to see him and stays with me. Went very quickly. I felt so lonely that I broke a rule and rang him.

I told him how this situation was unbearable, how I missed him, how I couldn't even be natural with him. He said I hadn't even kissed him hello, and I explained that it was all too painful, that I couldn't just pretend nothing was happening, he was just some acquaintance. I asked him what his plans were, if this move was permanent, if he was going towards divorce. He said "no, I need time, I want to give it time."

Then he started in on his litany of reproaches: "you let yourself go in every way, clothes, appearance... the house is disorderly, I wouldn't even want to come back to it, I feel better in my flat on my own." I said to him that the house was clean, and reasonably tidy (the children have to play and have toys around). I said that I'd always been clean and neat, he just hadn't made it clear that at some stage he was dissatisfied with my appearance, that he wanted me to change. I told him that his rejection of me was destroying me as a woman, that I was trying to pick myself up but that he couldn't expect miracles all of a sudden. I reminded him that he'd said I was useless, a nothing. He doesn't remember saying things like that, of course. I also reminded him that I'd never criticized him in that way, had tried to understand him and listen to him. He said then that he'd been a very bad husband in his own way too.


In essence, - I won't go into the rest of the conversation - he's giving me a "chance" to improve things. Part of me is glad, then part of me is angry at this arrogant attitude. He always manages to be on his high horse, pick out all my faults, see no good sides to me and totally justify his having to leave me.


I admit to being a bit slow in getting things done, but my home has always been welcoming and clean, if a little disordery. I have always worked full time and 70km from home (until this year - I'm now 25km from home).I wasn't a woman who spent hours before a mirror, I was clean,neat and functional in dress. It used not to be a problem (until OW?) or if it was, he didn't say it to me. I spent time with my kids and cooking meals he liked. I spent little time on myself. I can see things that got to him - 180s? - but he also had lots of flaws himself. He demands more of me than I've ever demanded of him.

I feel that I've failed on DBing, as I should never have called, but I was desperate. I'm desperately lonely, miss him terribly and feel all in. It's all I can do to get up, go to work, look after my kids and keep on an even keel. He had an affair, but I'm the one grovelling, somehow. Something tells me I should get angry, call him up on his behaviour, tell him all the little things that made life difficult with him for me : his tendency to be always in a hurry, always hurrying us up - I'd be rushing out the door, not having had time to put on makeup or spend time arranging myself, his tendency to criticize and denigrate constantly, his tendency to be so absorbed in work or some film that no-one could talk to him, his tendency to get angry when we made love because I wasn't relaxed enough(!), his wanting everything perfect, everything like it seemed to be in others' houses, rather than being happy for what he had at home.

He's coming 'round tomorrow morning. I think I should try to redress the balance a bit. If I can take criticism on the chin, so can he. No matter what happens in the future, he'll only make himself and others (me or SO else) unhappy if he doesn't face up to his exorbitant demands on others. He demands of others what he's not willing to give himself.

On a brighter note, my two younger kids told me that they went to the climbing club with him this morning and OW was there with her kids. He was displeased to see them and was very frosty with her when she came over to talk with him. A ploy or "is she really going out with him?" as Joe Jackson used to sing?

Advice please - but go easy on the criticism; I've very little self-esteem left.


I'm ready to be lashed by veteran DBing bodies. I'm just about ready to crack. I still love this man - decision, not just feeling. I don't want a divorce. But neither do I want some unreasonable censor to come back here condescendingly "for the children", a possibility he evoked on the phone.

NCU

[hurtinhartford]

NCU,

Don't go tit for tat with him...it will not get you anywhere, but give him reason to keep doing what he is doing plus the attention that he craves. I would keep your distance and not intiate communication with him unless it is about the kids and don't take anymore of his abuse!

Stay above this cad. Remember he left his wife and children so who is he to critisize you. I am personally thinking about dating and really detaching from my W. She is on a dating site and now it begins the 10th week since she left. I think I am fooling myself to think she will be back. She has totally detached herslf. I really think it is time for us to move on. There are people out there who will appreciate what we have to offer.

[NotCrackingUp]

HIH
Thanks. The thing is, I know I'm not snowy white, there are u-turns I could operate that would make him take notice. I too must accept some part in this mess, but I just wish he'd question himself like I question myself. He seems to see himself as having been in the right from day one.

I too sometimes feel like finding someone new. But it's no mean feat at 46; you need to be confident to attract someone, my confidence is at an all-time low. I feel that if I failed him, I will never find anyone else. And I still love the pig-headed ba**ard, that's the killing part about it!
NCU

[hurtinhartford]

NCU,

I finally got the principle that we are DBing for us and not for our spouses. I had plans to do a lot with my boys, but they had a lot of Boy Scout stuff to do this weekend. I will wait a bit longer until I think about dating, but I don't think it would be a bad thing to go out with the opposit sex as friends. We do need to socialize and it would help with self esteem.

Your H appears to be the biggest pin in deflating your self esteem...he really appears to be a bully and probably lacks self esteem himself.

NCU from what I can see you have a wonderful beautiful soul. There are more fish in the sea than just your H and my W. We need to start thinking that we will be continuing on without our spouses and we will be all right.

There has only been one period of time where I went more than a week dark so now since her b-day is over I plan to go totally dark for a while and see what happens. Maybe this is the wrong approach, but it seems she moves when this happens. Besides it will help me to detach further.