TH I agree with 90% of what you say, and zero % of what you say about kids. Your sig tells the story of why we don't agree on anything when I comes to how divorce affects kids.
It's a perspective issue. When you have a short term relationship and no children, moving on, going dark, etc., is relatively easier. But when you have children, it just doesn't end. Being worried about your kids is normal. TH sees that as having something to do with your feelings toward your spouse, but his perspective is one of a short marriage with no children. It's just not the same, even if "some of his best friends have children."
If you want to transplant a tree that was planted a year ago, it's relatively easy. (That doesn't diminish the pain of the loss in a short marriage, it just makes the transition easier) The roots have not really spread and the tree is not that large. Wait ten, fifteen, twenty years and the task is much more difficult. The roots have spread and the tree is huge. In a long term relationship, your lives are so entwined that parting company is extremely difficult, as a practical as well as an emotional matter. Years of relationships and traditions involving, family, friends, and neighbors are suddenly gone. Throw in children and completely parting company is literally impossible.
I mentioned how I am helping my children understand and forgive their mother. TH tells me I should teach them not to become victims. He just doesn't know any better. He thinks they are miniature adults. They're not. Teaching them anything about this sitch is also complicated by having to worry about denigrating their mother in the process. TH takes this as negativity. You and I, as parents, have to deal with the reality of the sitch. Platitudes, such as "children are resilient," are not useful in raising and healing children. that doesn't mean we are still blaming our spouses. Even when all the hurt and resentment are gone, we still have to deal with the aftermath as it applies to the children.
When my W dropped the bomb, I put all the blame and hurt on myself. Now, I realize that she has issues that transcend our relationship and my hurt and worry are for my W and my children. That's why I was a little concerned about John's sitch. Many were taking the position that his W was "bad." She's not "bad." She's just in a bad way and dangerously close to a breakdown. I was surprised that people didn't see that. That's why compassion was most definitely in order and why John knew instinctively to do the right thing. Though he still needs an atty to protect himself from being taken advantage of.
Now I have to run, too, as I am preparing for Sunday dinner with my STBXW (with whom I still share a life, home, bed, etc.) and children. (I assure you, if I didn't have children she and I would have already separate and I would not be spending any time on this forum. However, our lives and choices as parents are limited in a way that childless couples have difficulty appreciating.)
