cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[Lucky11too]

Happy birthday to S! Definitely keep those memories b/c that was a special time, and despite what has happened now, that love and joy you felt then was real and true and no one can ever take that away from you! Enjoy your awesome kid today! =)

[awest1217]

Yesterday was a good day. I woke S up by singing to him while I videoed him and he did NOT like that, but it will make a funny memory. I gave him the card from me and a stuffed Luigi.

After work H came over around 4:30. H gave him a shirt I had asked him to buy and a card. The gift he got was still being shipped and actually came to his parents house yesterday, but he didn't stop at home. In the card, was a picture of the new iPod touch. He bought one for S and I and one for himself (so that is where all his money is going...I wonder if OW got one too). He asked if that was too much. I said no. He said he wanted to get one for S and I because the new iPod Touch has video chat on it so S may be more willing to talk to H if he can see him versus talking on the phone. I said that is a good reason and I didn't fight him at all. The rest of the night went well. S picked McDonald's to go out to eat and after wanted to play Wii with daddy so they played a bit and that was it.

A few strange things...
1. As always H was very "helpful". I stopped at Target on the way to McDonald's to get a shirt for Friday's Spirit Day and he wanted to pay (he even got mad and said "what is your problem" when I wouldn't let him), but he hasn't given me the child support check for September. I didn't bring it up yesterday since it was S's b-day, but I will tomorrow when H picks up because I will also give him the dentist bill. We agreed since it is cheaper to not put S on dental insurance right now that we would split the bills in half. It isn't much, but still.

2. Just before H left, I got super dizzy. I haven't been this bad since last year. I asked H if he felt ok (wondering if there was something wrong with the food at McD). He said he was fine and asked why. I told him I was extremely dizzy and he proceeded to ask if he could do anything and even went to a store to get a humidifier thinking it was from my sinuses being stuffed. I believe it is just hormones because I decided to stop taking the pill (saving $10 every 4 wks and I don't need it) and so my body is just getting used to not having it.

3. My car stalled with H in it and he said how his dad also heard that the vibe had been recalled for engine problems causing it to stall. H said he would call the dealer and find out what to do, but I said I would take care of it. It is my car, but more of him trying to do stuff for me. He even offered to have me use his car until I get mine fixed, but I said that was ok and I would be fine.

4. H's brother (the BIL I get along with) text me while we were out to eat to see S yesterday and drop of his gift. I said we were out to eat and he said he was busy later at night so I said just do it tomorrow (today). H asked what was up because I was texting and I told him. He got really jealous. I said that BIL and I had text last weekend because BIL wanted suggestions on gifts. Then he wanted to see S. I said since H doesn't let S play with BIL on teh weekends and because BIL doesn't like H so he doesn't want to be around when H is around, BIL wants to hang out with S a bit and also give him his gift. I am perfectly fine with that, but now H is asking to stop by today to give S his present when he will see S tomorrow and Saturday. Majorly jealous...oh well.

I am still dizzy a bit, but I think that will go once that time of the month hits and is over. I also need to start eating more dairy because i know that helped before I was on the pill. My cold/allergies have subsided so that is good.

I am a little worried about talking to H about the child support, but something I have to do or go to the L and force the issue. He may not get paid now until tomorrow so I am hoping that is why he hasn't paid yet.

Finally, I got the best compliment yesterday. The computer tech told me how I look a lot happier. I said thank you. She just found out about everything (she also knows my in-laws) last week and she just told me how this year I seem a lot happier than ever before. That once again lets me know that I am doing the right thing for me. I am doing much better. S is also thriving. He is used to this new arrangement and honestly only asks for H the Tuesday or Wednesday before it is his weekend. Once S really understands time, he won't have any problems at all. H and I work well together so that is good too.

Overall, things are great in my life. I just wish things would go faster with the D so that could be done ASAP, but it will happen soon enough.

[Lucky11too]

hahaha, I thought that was too funny about waking S up for his b-day with a song and camera. I can only imagine his reaction. =p
Well, it's hard to comment about H, but all that can be said, is despite all of his flaws, at least he does have a caring side. It's good that he was there for you with your dizziness and with your car. I guess you have to decide what you want to have him help out with or not. I know you accepted his help with Target and the dizziness, but turned down his offer for the help on the car. In some ways, i'd say if he wants to help, why not - might as well let him be good for something. But on the otherhand, I know you're concerned too about him using that as manipulation and probably just want to move past any dependence at all on H as well. But D or not, like you said, you still have to have a decent R with S around, so you and now H are doing good to make it that way. It's so great to hear that you are doing so well and S too! Have a great weekend!

[awest1217]

Some stuff is going through my head this morning, but I don't have time right now to put it down. I will wait until after church tonight. I think it is just a down part of this rollercoaster ride about wondering what H is thinking. I mean it was 6 months ago that he moved out of the place he was at to live at his parents, which was supposed to be just a couple months until he found a place. He is still wearing his wedding ring. Now he is buying me all these clothes. It is all just so weird to me.

Then on top of that, I told my B and SIL how H, S and I are going to a game in person and they said it is weird and I shouldn't do it. That I am going to have to get used to not having firsts with S and same with H. H has missed a lot of firsts (his own decision, I always invited him) and I am not going to let H's decisions make me miss out on firsts, but now it has me wondering if I am just being stupid. Like H is getting everything he always wanted. Now he will soon no longer be a H (although he still has not told anyone because everyone at work still think we are together and he still wears his ring), but we still "hang out" as a family every other week for about an hour, and we will all day for this game in two weeks, but after that it will only be for an hour after he drops off, which is just us catching each other up on S (usually 30 minutes each night) nothing about our personal lives. It really doesn't bother me because I know it is over and now we are just friends for S's sake.

I just hate that he "won" in that we are friends. I didn't want to be his friend when we D'd. I wanted to just see each other or talk only about S. That is what we do, but it is all very friendly so I just feel like H has had no consequences. I don't regret what I am doing because I feel this is best for S and ultimately what is best for me. I don't want to worry about seeing H or anything like that. I see H or if he texts me it is not a big deal. I answer his questions about S, add other fun things about him and that is it. We rarely talk about ourselves unless it has something to do with S. We have two separate lives and come together for S. It really is a great working relationship.

I guess I just remember on times when he is so nice why I did marry him. He always cared a ton for me and would take care of me when we first started dating...then it got less and less which I figured was normal, but then the OWomen started. It is just odd to be showered with things; the coat, the iPod, trying to help with stuff. All strange for me because he hadn't done that for a while. I feel that he is making up for when he wasn't there and it will tapper off once he has a place of his own with bills and as time passes. I just feel weird. H did give me the child support check without me even asking for it so that was good as well (I told him to give it to me the first time he has S each month instead of making a special trip). So he is doing that part well. He also gives me a hug each time he leaves. I just wish I knew what he was thinking as well. Is this some type of way of trying to get me back? Is he trying to manipulate me? Or is he really just doing this to just be nice to the mother of his child, which I would do the same thing for him if I saw something small (I dont' have money for extravagant) he needed?

Anyway, still doing well and on a small high because I got $9 in tips yesterday when I helped at our church concession. My B was next to me and said I was flirting like I used to as a teenager, but I didn't notice, however I did get 5 of the 9 from just two guys. It was fun Some friends said it is because I don't have a ring anymore and I look so young. Many customers thought I was still in college. Go me I thought one really drunk guy was going to give me a $10 tip because he was plastered, but he didn't just $1. Still a lot of fun, and it helps my ego.

[newmama]

Congrats about the tips! Guess you still "got it!"

Well, it does look like your H did "win" the friendship part. Sounds like you two are more friends than not...hug each other goodbye, go to do things with your S together, and he offers to take care of you. But at least you are not letting him help.

OUt of curiosity, why did it matter that he knew you were with BIL? He would have still been jealous, but I guess now he has a face to his jealousy. This is his brother?

[ClingingToHope]

The "friends" thing and "winning." You follow my thread and know I've been struggling with that for the past couple of months. You are way ahead of me in terms of accepting it though.

A player on my company softball team told me yesterday that he and his ex have been friends since the D. She cheated on him. He kicked her out. She married the affair partner and he just remarried this year. His girls are my oldest's age and they seem to be doing well. We're going to have them over to swim next summer.

He's six years into it. I know I'm struggling now, but I look at him with hope. Time is our only friend in this.

[awest1217]

NM - H and his brother do not get along, but his brother was there for S while H decided to go MIA so I try to talk to him once in a while. He and I get along really well. I wouldn't say we are friends, but we get along. H seemed jealous because I was talking to some of his family without his knowledge and it was his brother so also a little jealous that his brother would get to see S. I don't know why but he was acting jealous.

CTH - I am ok with being friends when it comes to H. It really doesn't bother me, and I still have to work on the part where I want him to have consequences, but mostly I have forgiven him and I don't care what he does with his life as long as it doesn't affect S. When it does affect S, it better be something that is going to last.

Well in new developments, I was putting together S's race track from H and I found some long pieces of blond hair attached to some of the pieces. No one at H's parents house has blond hair. They all have dark hair, but FIL who has short white hair. I am the only blond, but there it was. So I asked S what he did with H. (H and I agreed that S should not be around any significant others unless it was serious, and then we would tell the other parent so they are aware). I asked if he just played with daddy or if other people were there. He said daddy's friend came over and she forgot the extra wii mote. S wouldn't say that unless it was true. I asked who it was and he didn't remember. I asked when she was there and he didn't get into specifics so I don't think she was there very long (probably when S was taking his nap), but I don't know. I care that she was there a little, but I have prepared myself for this so it is more that H wouldn't tell me. I really want to be honest with H and do things like the birthday dinner or other little things together, but we won't be able to if H is leaving things out on purpose. I won't be a partner even as a parent for that and it will make me just say we won't do things together except to politely talk at pick-up and drop-off. I am not asking for him to tell me about his life. I just want to know who is around S. Who is a part of his life. When/If I have a relationship where the significant other and I get serious and he meets S, I would tell H because I feel H needs to know who is in S's life.

I asked H about it and said he didn't know what S was talking about. I didn't bring up the hair, but I know he is lying. Someone was there, who is the question. S knows OW so he would have said "OW", but I just don't know. I did text H to get it off my chest that I do expect honesty. I don't care about what he does with S, but I expect to be told the truth about who is a part of S's life just like I would extend the same curteousies (sp) to him if that ever happens with me. In order for this arrangement to work, we can't have S having to watch what he says or for me to 2nd guess things. I just want to be honest all the time about S. The rest of his life...I don't care.

[awest1217]

H just text me back and said OW was there, but just for a few minutes to give his parents something. He said she asked S if she could stay and play wii with them and he said no he was playing with his daddy. She said ok she didn't have her wii remote anyway and left. If that all is true, and I am pretty sure it is because it goes with S's story, I figure the hair got in the track because OW is at his parents house a lot and her hair is probably in the carpet or H took the track to show OW and her hair got on it then. Either way, OW is still in his life.

I told H that our parenting arrangement only works with honesty and it was horrible for him to make it sound like S was lying just to save his own butt. H said he was sorry. I just hope he doesn't keep doing to me what he did our whole marriage because I am not going to have him come between S and me or make S into a liar. I just want what is best for S and being able to talk to his parents his important so I want to know who is around S so when he talks about them, I know who he is talking about.

A little sad now, but I have some cleaning to do so hopefully that will just pull me out of it. I just don't know OW to take my place with S (I know in my heart that can't happen...just tell my head) like she has with H and the in-laws. I just can't believe they have accepted her so easily when we aren't even divorced yet...oh well. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

[awest1217]

Today I am mad. Mad at H for allowing OW to even talk to S. She asked S if she could stay. That was not the arrangement. The agreement H and I made was that OW or any other dating partner would not be around S at all unless it was serious. OW knows if S said yes she could stay that H wouldn't tell her no leave. Also no matter what she will always put in H's head that I am the bad guy. If I say she can't be around S until it is serious, then it is that I am controlling, but if the opposite happened and I was allowing my BF (if that ever happens) to be around S then I would be horrible because I am allowing another man to be around S more than H. URGH!

If the roles were reversed and I had found a guy to date already, H would throw a fit if he was around S. H already doesn't like his brother and my brother around S...he definitely would not like another man so why is it ok for him to do it? I am more mad because H always holds me to a higher standard than himself or OW. They can be slime and that is ok, but I have to be an angel.

On top of that, he texts me last night to ask if I needed something from the store. I had said that I forgot lunchables for S, which S loves, when I got back from grocery shopping on Friday as H was dropping off S. It was nice of him, but I am still mad. It would be one thing if H didn't agree to it, but H agreed and would get furious if it happened the other way. And for H to insinuate that S was lying when S wasn't...URGH!!!!

I am just mad today, but I am sure I will be over it soon...I just wish my L would contact me so we could finish the D stuff. Oh and that is the other thing, H still hasn't signed up for the parenting course. It is a one day thing and he hasn't even filled out the paperwork to go because he stays at work 3 hours past the time the kids leave and the county city building is closed by then. Then just one day leave a little early so you can make it. Stay 2.5 hours or 2 hours and then leave so this can be done. I think the D will all be ready, but can't be finalized until H goes to this class and he won't sign up for it. URGH!

[awest1217]

Better today. H did ask about the parenting meeting, which is this Saturday at the earliest. He says he wants to try to get in, but who knows. Now he is complaining because he has to go to drop off the paperwork by 4. That is why I gave him the paperwork BEFORE school started.

I also asked why he still wore his ring. To me, the ring symbolizes the committment we made to each other that he broke so I wonder why he wears it, and that is all I said I wonder why you are still wearing your ring? He responded because it is important to me. I didn't say anything else because I don't want to, but at some point all of my hurt and anger will need to be expressed in a productive way. There isn't a lot, but I do feel at some point I will write out an e-mail to H (I probably won't send it), but at least that way all the negative is out. If I do send it, it will just be to clear everything out so that I can move on and so he understands where I am at. I just don't understand how this ring can be more important to him than his marriage and the commitment that ring symbolizes.

It is coming up on a year since he left the 2nd time, saying he would be back in no more than a month, and a year later hasn't even tried. That wound is a little sore today for some reason...maybe it is because of the fall weather that is like the fall weather when H left. Also I have the fall fragrances in teh house again which could also be reminding me of that time. Not bothering me too much, but sort of like how around the time of the anniversary of my dad's death (not always the exact day), I am a little sad about the loss. Something during that time, like playing in the snow or seeing a certain restaurant, will trigger the memories and I will remember the loss. Same with this.

Lastly, I was thinking last night about dating and moving on. I still believe I will date at some point and probably even marry again, but it will never be like this one. I still love H very much, and every once in a while that comes up. I want him to be happy and healthy. I want him to have a great life. I wish him the best. So in some ways I wonder if that part of me will ever be open to anyone else. I am sure the intensity of the love will fade with time (it has happened before with another guy), but I wonder if there could be anyone else out there. My standards are so much higher now with S. Just all thoughts...