2010? I said the same about 2009! It is every year, different selfish fools!
Well, I say the way you respond to your H doesn't really matter as long as you aren't too bitchy and do show him what he is missing FOR SURE!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
So BIL and his girlfriend are separating, so girlfriend has now moved out of my (parent's) house and BIL has moved in. I won't go into their sitch here, but that aside, BIL has had a few things to say about WH's last days in the country...
Aparently BIL innocently asked WH at his 'going away dinner' the night before his flight, what time he was leaving, which airline etc and WH got really shirty and didn't want to answer "WHY do you want to know?", he answered agressively. WH later backpeddled and apologised but he was showing pure paranoia about being asked questions about his departure. BIL was very hurt..he says he was just trying to make conversation.
WH is ignoring BIL's emails..he asked me if I had had news. I replied in the positive, but that WH was very sparing with the details.
Also, aparently it went very badly between MIL and WH while she was here. BIL says MIL was the only person who confronted and attacked WH about what he was doing. WH says he never wants to see her again (thus why I found myself taking MIL to the airport with BIL, WH nowhere to be seen). They have a bad relationship anyway; I guess it's now just at an all time low (I sort of knew this).
Aparently the friends who housed WH were finding the last few days/weeks very heavy and had an argument about the way WH treats MIL.
Also BIL says WH had still been saying things like, "This is life I want, this is what life's all about" in reference to the life he was moving to... Aparently when he was last in OWs country he only really saw her and socialised with her circle. Maybe because everyone else (our friends) was on vacation still, I don't know...
Anyway, from all the above it sounds like WH was paranoid and mentally very unwell when he left. It's all so crazy that he is running to a life he hasn't tested but is saying thing like "This is what Life is"... I can see him heading for a nasty crash.
The 'fixer' in me wants to email our common friends and ask them to look out for him... I mean, I still love him as my flesh and blood and worry about him... I might do that.
Also there is part of me which wonders if BIL is a bit of a natural catastrophiser...and is making WH sound more nuts than he is.
The idea is to list 10 things every day that you are grateful for until you train yourself to see things you are grateful for everywhere and all of the time.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Piano- wow, this is good news that your MIL called your WH out o his actions! It's like exposure in a way. When our friends and family don't accept it, it sure makes life harder for our spouses and their OPs. Stress is not romantic.....
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hi Piano, I've finally confirmed my WAH overseas affair. I posted a thread on the infidelity board. Can you please give me advice? Or if you're on the Alt maybe we can chat.
The difference in my sitch is his family doesn't care that he's cheating. Even if they think it's wrong they won't say a thing about it. Please help. Thanks.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
You are trying so hard to save your M and I know what that is like. Your are spinning. You are doing everything that you can. You are searching for a majic bullet. You are looking externally for your answers....
You are scared... You are angry...
I get it. I have been there. I lived in fear for a very long time. I hurt myself emotionally because I did not do ONE thing....
DO you know what that ONE thing is?
I did not love myself.
Yep - I did not. I thought that my wife was the only person in the world that defined me. I did not know who I was.
Then....i began to realize something...I began to realize that NONE of US can control another. I began the long process of looking INWARD - instead of outword. I began to realize that to love means that sometime you will feel pain. It is what you do with this pain that matter most.
You 2G WILL SURVIVE.
You want your H back...you have tried everything. If there was something I could do, something anyone could do - trust me they would do it. Your H is responsible for HIS actions. Your H is on his own journey - you MUST now go on yours.
What is this journey that I talk about?
Is it the one where YOU 2G get to find out what you are made off. It is the one where YOU 2G begin to find yourself again. It is the one 2G where you get to find who YOU really are OUTSIDE of ANY relationship. It will be the most important journey of your life if you choose to take it.
SO how do you start this journey?
You let GO. Period. You begin the process of accepting that you must first take care of YOU and your baby before you can take care of another.
2G - letting go will be the hardest thing that you will need to do. THe hardest. From this thought YOU will emerge.
A few other things that I want you to think about....
DO you want your H back because HE feels it is HIS "responsbility" OR
DO you want your H back because HE wants to come back. HE wants to be with YOU?
Who get's to make that choice? You or Your H?
You know where to reach me....your call BUT let me be honest - I do not have the magic pill to give your H.
GOd Bless, ERic
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You can NOT control his actions... and ...you CAN choose to not let his actions control you. But it is a choice. A conscious, difficult choice.
Focussing on your H is not the solution to anything right now. You will get all kinds of advice on these boards and you are currently posting in a couple of forums which makes it hard to follow along ... BUT the one thing you will hear over and over again is to shift the focus back to YOU.
YOU need to take care of you. YOU need to take care of those girls and that new baby.
Right now you are spinning, and only you can stop it. None of us has a quick answer or a quick fix. There is no magic bullet to make the marriage work, and there is no easy, painless quick fix divorce either. The only way through it ... is through it.
You have confirmed the A. Feel better? I suspect not. So stop digging, anything else you find will only continue to add to the hurt. Oh, and there is a good chance that anything his family would say or do wouldn't matter any more than anything you say or do ... if he didn't like what they were saying then he'd cut them off too.
Take a deep breath and buckle in, this ride ain't over yet.
You can do this. You are strong girl, we see it ... do YOU? Let go. Drop the rope. Detach. Take back your power over your emotions. Step by step.
Find you. Find who you are ... not the wife, not the mother, not the sister, not the girlfriend, not the daughter ... the woman. Who is she 2G? When you take away all the masks and roles and walls ... who is she really? What does she want outside her marriage ... what does she want for herself?
C'mon girl ... You got this ... PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Piano, I have a strong fixer in me too but he needs to feel the consequences of his actions. If you delay that by rescuing him to any degree, he'll stay in the unhealthy mindset that he's in. His stuff is no longer your responsibility (it really never was). It's his.
Also, I would stay out of his friendships, even if they were yours too. You don't want him blaming you for any trouble with them. It sounds like he's causing trouble for anyone around him right now.
Hey everyone, no worries about the hijack. Never hurts to be reminded that BDing is about us and that taking the focus of the WAS and onto us is a deliberate, conscious choice which requires discipline.
Back to being fixers and rescuers... Is asking a trusted friend about the well-being of your WAS a bad thing? Especially if it's only once in a while and he's the father of your chid?
Also, if I wanted WH to hit rock bottom ("for his own good") would that mean not replying to emails that ask about Bub's welfare? Or does one ALWAYS have to reply to questions about kids and finances?
