You HAVE to let her be free. You cannot go through this for months and months on end and keep hoping in the back of your mind that something will right itself, or that your mental health should take a backseat to your fears about what will happen to the kids. Of course, you are nervous about the unknown, I certainly was. But if your relationship with all of the kids is strong and always has been, you will get through setting your WAW free and they will get through it too. That was my biggest fear, and I have not yet found that my fears have been realized with my daughter. My relationship with my daughter is as strong as ever.
But as far as your W goes, take the initiative to set her free and consult with your lawyer as soon as possible. Like tomorrow, 9 AM. I reccomend you figure out a way to get 50/50 custody of your 6 year old. If you try to fight for full custody of him, you are not being fair to him, you, or your wife. Try to set that tone so that she doesn't attempt to fight for sole custody of him. Not really much you can do with the stepdaughters I wouldn't think, just let them know you'll always be there for them and make the most of all the time you do spend together. Figure out how to protect all of your assets and also plan it so that YOU stay in your home, but don't leave your W completely scared to be out on her own either. Make some conciliatory agreement just so that she's not wondering how to pay for her next meals. It's not like you are rewarding bad behavior, it's just propping her up a little so that she can take care of your son with some level of comfort when she has him.
Why did I just talk about all this legal stuff? I am not pro-divorce here and neither is the site. But in doing those things, you show her that YOU are not going to keep chasing her down this road forever. And it is not about getting in her head, nor is it about waiting for the novelty of her newfound freedom to wear off. It's all about YOU and keeping you sane.
As a metaphor, it's like you both lived in a certain city for a long time that was starting to get run down but, was still at least livable for you though much less so for her. In response, instead of working together with you to find new kinds of joy in that city, or moving to a different city WITH you, she has instead chosen to take a highway toward a different city you know you don't ever want to live in. Think of the most god-forsaken place you've ever been and that's where she's headed. But you have been following her there, especially because you are worried about the effects on your son. Unfortunately, that is actually putting your son on the same chase that you are, and you are ignoring your own mental health. You're not going to be able to be there for him (or your stepdaughters) because you'll always be consumed by the distraction of this chase. [Case in point, you now have to take time out of your life to post on this site instead of doing something with your son, or using the time to clear other things out of the way so you have more time to do things with your son.]
So you need to turn around right now and go back to a city that makes YOU happy, because that will in the long run put you in the best position to have the proper candor and self-respect and positive attitude you need to have to raise your son. You have to stand your ground and stop following onto hers, she is going nowhere that you or you son will ultimately benefit from. By going to the attorney and planning to set her free, you at least are doing what you can to regain control of your future without her. Don't wait any longer. It is not at all farfetched she's at least looked into the matter with an attorney on her own...she may have just not told you about it. You don't want to be blinsided by having to respond her divorce papers...you need to work together to draft dissolution papers and make it a cooperative process. You tell her, look, I'm tired of this, this isn't obviously working for me or you. I'm going to get the ball rolling with a dissolution. Don't take any more of her garbage.
Keep in mind, if she really wants to change things, she will. Anything less than full excitement and sincerity from her is unacceptable though, and that includes full transparency about the past and present (none of this hiding cell phone bill garbage, she needs to admit to whomever she might have been with, etc.).
But I wouldn't hold my breath on that, sorry to say. She has shown you she wants out, and probably can't beleive you have followed her to that god-forsaken city, even in the name of your kids. Let her go, and call her bluff. Do it with the mindset this is best for both of you, and that will inturn be best for your son and stepdaughters. Shown him a dad he can be proud of, not a dad who is like the coyote chasing the roadrunner.
I also reccommend posts by robx, in a case like yours. You have to keep your dignity with this. Easier said than done, I know, I made all the typical mistakes myself and ended up divorced. But I CAN wake up every morning now and look myself in the mirror and live with myself...I could not do that when I was going down the highway to the forsaken city.
