WAH - Confused and Depressed

[Lost&Lonely]

Hello fellow DB’ers

I’ve read quite a few posts and most have a similar story with their own personal slant on things, here’s mine:

We met at university and fell in love, we moved to the city where his Co-op job was located and married. He’s been very successful at his career, and me, not so much. We both had jobs, and after six years we started our family. After our second son was born, we decided that I should be a stay at home mom. In hind sight that wasn’t a good choice for me. I love my boys but I was lonely and my husband was tired when he came home and we never went out socially.

I started a home daycare and looked after other people’s children as well as my own for 12 years. During this time, our major arguments were: 1. That he didn’t get the amount of intimacy that he desired and 2. That I didn’t get any help with domestic chores. This became a very cyclical argument that was never resolved. I was feeling neglected and lonely and so when shortly before our 10 year anniversary an old friend called me I was weak and we started a friendship that quickly developed into a long distance affair.

My husband knew everything that ever happened during the A, as I stupidly kept love letters in a form of a journal that he discovered and read. The affair ran its course as these things usually do, and my husband and I reconciled (our children were very young then and that was our main motivation), although looking back we didn’t have a clue on how to reconnect. We would argue about the affair and the lack of affection/help with housework issues and never resolve anything and then after a couple of years of arguing we agreed to disagree, but the resentment was still there. For the next 13 years things were “OK”: we raised our children (we couldn’t even agree on that, I wanted them to do more chores and he just spoiled them); we went on vacation; we were intimate, but it was never like it was before we had children.

Last November he dropped the bomb, ILYBNILWY. This was not an unexpected turn of events, as we (mostly me, had thrown the divorce word around before), but when he actually said it to me it was a light bulb turned on and the haze had lifted. I wanted our marriage to survive, I wanted “US”, and not the marriage we had, but the marriage we could have. I asked him to go to counseling and he said, “yes”. I went out and bought five self help books (one of which is Michelle’s DB) and I went into overdrive trying to win him back (if only I had had those books before our marriage or at least during the first 10 years). We had a horrible MC, one that played us like good cop/bad cop; I would come out of there every session feeling browbeaten. She either came down very hard on me or him, and several times she said that she was going to recommend that I file for divorce!

I became very affectionate, organized “dates”, planned a surprised birthday 50th party for him etc. He just felt guilty and sad and wanted to separate to have time to think. We told the boys and in August we starting living separately between our cottage and home (I’m unemployed (for over a year) so I stay at the cottage during the week and at then at the house on the weekends so he doesn’t have a 4 hour commute to/from work, if/when I get a job he’ll commute from the cottage).

So I’m backing off, giving him his time and space, he’s being polite but distant (sometimes cold). We discuss the children by e-mail but that’s it (and even that is at a minimum now that both boys are in university). I’m trying to keep myself busy: starting to run, joining a book club and trying to find a job, but I miss my husband and I’m very lonely (no real friends to speak of, my husband was my best friend).

He’s coming home this Monday afternoon to pick up extra clothes and I’ve invited him to stay for lunch (he accepted). (I have to stay in town as I have several appointments over the next few day) and I’d like some advice as to how to act: I’m planning on serving leftovers (it will be good), should I be available for conversation or should I keep my distance. I’m visiting my mother on Wednesday (6 hour trip)for a week or so (I really need to get away) so this may be the last chance I get to try to connect with him for a while.