cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

Some stuff is going through my head this morning, but I don't have time right now to put it down. I will wait until after church tonight. I think it is just a down part of this rollercoaster ride about wondering what H is thinking. I mean it was 6 months ago that he moved out of the place he was at to live at his parents, which was supposed to be just a couple months until he found a place. He is still wearing his wedding ring. Now he is buying me all these clothes. It is all just so weird to me.

Then on top of that, I told my B and SIL how H, S and I are going to a game in person and they said it is weird and I shouldn't do it. That I am going to have to get used to not having firsts with S and same with H. H has missed a lot of firsts (his own decision, I always invited him) and I am not going to let H's decisions make me miss out on firsts, but now it has me wondering if I am just being stupid. Like H is getting everything he always wanted. Now he will soon no longer be a H (although he still has not told anyone because everyone at work still think we are together and he still wears his ring), but we still "hang out" as a family every other week for about an hour, and we will all day for this game in two weeks, but after that it will only be for an hour after he drops off, which is just us catching each other up on S (usually 30 minutes each night) nothing about our personal lives. It really doesn't bother me because I know it is over and now we are just friends for S's sake.

I just hate that he "won" in that we are friends. I didn't want to be his friend when we D'd. I wanted to just see each other or talk only about S. That is what we do, but it is all very friendly so I just feel like H has had no consequences. I don't regret what I am doing because I feel this is best for S and ultimately what is best for me. I don't want to worry about seeing H or anything like that. I see H or if he texts me it is not a big deal. I answer his questions about S, add other fun things about him and that is it. We rarely talk about ourselves unless it has something to do with S. We have two separate lives and come together for S. It really is a great working relationship.

I guess I just remember on times when he is so nice why I did marry him. He always cared a ton for me and would take care of me when we first started dating...then it got less and less which I figured was normal, but then the OWomen started. It is just odd to be showered with things; the coat, the iPod, trying to help with stuff. All strange for me because he hadn't done that for a while. I feel that he is making up for when he wasn't there and it will tapper off once he has a place of his own with bills and as time passes. I just feel weird. H did give me the child support check without me even asking for it so that was good as well (I told him to give it to me the first time he has S each month instead of making a special trip). So he is doing that part well. He also gives me a hug each time he leaves. I just wish I knew what he was thinking as well. Is this some type of way of trying to get me back? Is he trying to manipulate me? Or is he really just doing this to just be nice to the mother of his child, which I would do the same thing for him if I saw something small (I dont' have money for extravagant) he needed?

Anyway, still doing well and on a small high because I got $9 in tips yesterday when I helped at our church concession. My B was next to me and said I was flirting like I used to as a teenager, but I didn't notice, however I did get 5 of the 9 from just two guys. It was fun Some friends said it is because I don't have a ring anymore and I look so young. Many customers thought I was still in college. Go me I thought one really drunk guy was going to give me a $10 tip because he was plastered, but he didn't just $1. Still a lot of fun, and it helps my ego.