DSH - The torment had to end. I had to stop it before I went insane. I do not consider those steps backwards towards the end. I made peace with my W, let her go, then resolved everything monetarily and emotionally with one magic bullet. This has been over 4 months in the making, and I just could not take this anymore. The only way I could let go was to do it by ripping the bandaid off. Letting it bleed out with L's would have been pointless. I'm at peace with the negotiations we have made. Not only am I at peace, but it was the right thing to do. On my car ride back I looked deep - the only reason I was going to get L's involved and screw her was because I hadn't let go and was hoping that she'd come back to me if I threatened her or hurt her. Simply threatening that on Friday had her broken and begging to come home. That's not what I want. That's not what a good man does.
I think you did as well as any man could have done under the circumstances. Just remember, none of this moves in a straight line. You and she will be cycling through the same emotions that you just went through a few times more, but hopefully you will both come back to this place eventually. She is not evil. She is broken.
My children have asked me why my WAW is "doing this to us." The best way I can describe it to them is how a drowning person will pull down anyone around her just to save herself, even someone that is trying to save her. They do this out of sheer panic and a sense of self-preservation. Lifeguards know this and would not attack and seek to injure a person they are trying to save in retaliation, but they do know that THEY CANNOT ALLOW THE DROWNING PERSON TO TAKE THEM UNDER, TOO.
You are a compassionate person, John, and you certainly showed that here.
Be aware, though, that the agreement you came to is not binding and don't be surprised when she tries to back away from it when the panic sets in again.
