Wow Bobbie, I don't know the time frame here but I just read through all your posts and it sounded like I could have wrote it over the course of my last three years. (Aside from my wife never left the house and she never "dated") she did have an affair though. Your W seems like she is in that same %$%^^# fog my wife was in. I too heard the "I don't want to get your hopes up" and "I don't know what's wrong with me" and the I love you but am not in love with you. My W also refused to see a counselor together. All I can tell you bud is if you truly want this marriage to work you just need to sit tight buddy. It's a LOOOOOG and rough ride. W wife had her wall up also and would not let me in but I have learned something (partly from OT) Even though I know what you are saying about “she said if I wanted sex she would let me have it” My W (after two years without said the same thing) I too thought this is not how I want it to be but then started thinking. If she opened the door go in buddy… It is kind of like going to that party that you really did not feel like going to... once you get there you have a great time. Ya she might not “desire” to have sex with you after all this time but hey…. Show her a good time and she will be back for more…. Waiting for HER to rip her clothes off and jump your bone is not going to happen. Trust me I waited and wanted that too... well not your wife but mine…..
Like I have heard before and will pass on to you…. How long does DBing take? As long as it takes…. Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Can you tell me how long your interest in intimacy was gone? And did you blame your H for that at the time?
Bobby, I'm sorry that I did not see your response and question to my post to you.
My lack of interest in intimacy for myself lasted about 2 years. At first I didn't realize menopause was the reason. When hormones go out of whack it is not uncommon.
No, I didn't blame my H I just couldn't figure out what was going on in the beginning. When I did figure it out I asked my H for some understanding about it. Even though I wasn't interested in intimacy for myself I always made sure H was taken care of.
When my desire returned H had started to have real problems in the intimacy area. After a while he stopped even being interested. This I believe came from the perfect storm of many factors. My H has struggled with depression at times for years. During my change H went into full blown depression. His depression preceded a MLC. I would bet my farm that if H would have gone to a doctor (I asked him to many times) and had a hormone level check that his T levels would be very low to non existent.
2 weeks before my H left, he re-met an old girlfriend that he dated in HS at her father's funeral home viewing. I knew something was up because he came out of his depression for those 2 weeks and was acting different. My H is no happier now than before he left and it's been almost a year. He hasn't taken a look internally at his own issues yet therefore he doesn't realize his unhappiness is internal and not from any external force such as me or the children.
Not saying I didn't have a part in the breakdown of my marriage, but it was a good one for many years. Certainly nothing so wrong that couldn't be fixed by sane people.
People going through a MLC are not sane, and it's not a quick trip. It can take 3 to 5 years.
We all go through Mid Life Transitions. When the train goes off the track for some of us it becomes a crisis. Depression permeates the entire crisis. MLCers are confused.
I do not believe menopause or andrpause (male version) has to be occuring for one to be having a MLC but it certainly can go hand in hand.
One thing most MLCers have in common is traumatic childhoods. Do you know what your W's was like?
Anyway, I hang out in the MLC forum. I went there straight away when I registered as I had researched my H's sudden snap beforehand and was pretty sure that is what I was dealing with as he fit the profile.
Good luck Bobby. The one thing this is going to take is a great deal of patience. There is nothing you can do to make this go faster for your W but there are things that you might do that would slow her journey down.
If you have questions you're welcome to find me on the MLC board or start posting there if you'd like. There is great support there. I will try to remember to keep checking on you here.
Thanks SA. I've thought about W's childhood many times.From the time we started dating her mom and dad were not a couple. They drank and did their own thing.Her mom staying at home, but ran around with other men. What I think about is there not being food in the house as we have today. It wasn't an easy childhood.Definetly the best thing that happened when we married and she was removed from that environment.
What I was going to say is it might help you to read the MLC resources and the 6 stages of MLC. It sounds like your wife is in the last three stages, depression, withdrawal and finally acceptance. An understanding of these stages might help you with piecing.
Well guys , W said she is done, not happy. She said I deserve someone who will love me back. She also said that her hormone levels are fine they were checked. Thing is, I didn't like our arrangement and have been preparing for this. So even though it wasn't easy I was ready.
She also said that her hormone levels are fine they were checked
I bet the conversation where you brought that up went well. LOL.
Geez. I suppose it could be worse, you could have followed up the ILYBINILWY speech with, "Ehh, you're probably just on your period".
Let's put our heads together and try to figure out as many ways as possible to invalidate her feelings and imply she is crazy, and then you can try them all. Maybe a psych evaluation would push her even further over the edge?
I know that this is a tough time for you, and I don't mean to make light of what you are going through, but you need to stop invalidating her. Implying she doesn't know what she is feeling (check your hormone levels?) is just digging a hole.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/16/1001:28 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
