Looking for advice, WAW

[looking2keepmywf]

All,

I've recently discovered this website, and forum, and have been reading a lot of stuff - and it has helped. But, everyone's situation is different. I really look forward to advice from some of the really awesome people in this forum. Thank you in advance for reading, caring, and commenting.

I have ordered the DB book, and am anxiously awaiting it. I am especially interested in the part where it describes what I can do - even if my wife is not interested.

I married my best friend (w/benefits) back in April 2002. We now have a family of 5 consisting of my 2 step-daughers, 17 & 15, and our son, 6.

In looking back, my wife has probably hinted to me at various times that maybe something wasn't quite right - but never openly communicated to me that something was up. We are both well educated, on our second marriages, and have always had a close friendship - well before we became intimate, married, etc.

Over the past several months, we have drifted apart. She started sleeping in a different bedroom - mainly because of my snoring. I wrote it off as, well I need to lose some weight, and maybe see a doctor about it. Basically, I am healthy, but slightly overweight, and that's what the Doc said.

On Monday, 8/23, my wife went to a baseball game with her Mom, and didn't come home that night. This was my true 'wake up call'. I was worried sick about her - that something may have happened. Then, she showed up to work the next day with no explanation, and no communication. I had called, e-mailed, texted her several times that night, but I got no response. When I confronted her at work - she basically told me that she doesn't care about us anymore, knew I would be mad, but really didn't seem sorry in the least bit.

After traveling for work, and one personal trip over the weekend for my brother's birthday party, I finally had a chance to talk to her about us in general. She told me that she has been unhappy for awhile (~ a year, maybe more), and that I had several opportunities to fix things, and that she didn't love me anymore. She said that she's trying to figure things out, she recognizes that we have one kid headed to college next year, another in high school, and our first grader. She also told me that it wasn't necessarily anything that I had done, but that she didn't want to be married, and we both should have listened to our 'gut' when we were friends and had both said that we were apprehensive about getting married.

Since this time, I have done just about everything wrong (as I have learned). I went through the gamut of emotions ranging from feeling sorry for myself and crying my eyes out, to feeling anger at 'why me', to screw her!

As far as another man involved - I am not completely sure. I know she has guy friends that she has met from work, and I know that she has had many text exchanges with one in particular. I know the guy, and I really don't think anything is happening - yet - but it really doesn't matter.

I started by telling her everything that a guy would tell his wife when he doesn't want to lose her. I stil love you, I will do anything to save the marriage, etc. Verbally communicated that, e-mails, texts, the whole thing.

She also has indicated that she feels like she has no space living here at home with me, my son, and our girls (we have split custody with her ex - so one week with us, one week with him. She said she doesn't want to me 'Mom' anymore, my wife anymore, and that she really wants to not be married and be on her own.

Having said that, she still treats our kids the same - the same loving Mom that she always has been. She probably has had lots of practice since she's been divorced from her ex for about 14 years now.

Her interaction with me can best described as minimal, and only when there is something that concerns our kids. I've been to baseball games with her (which we have always done over the past many years - and enjoyed together), and it's so not the same. I went with her, her friend, and our younger daughter recently, and she left the 3 of us for almost 2 hours, because she couldn't deal with me - it was too uncomfortable. I went to another game with her tonight, and she was more comfortable high-fiving some young guy next to her -than me.

I came home so pissed off, but also feeling somewhat liberated - thinking that we are so done, and I am going to tell her that I agree with her - she needs her space, and that she was right. Her current job is more of a fun job - and not one that pays well, or is what her career has been. I have been the primary bread winner since before my son was born. She knows that she needs to get a 'real' job, and genuinely is trying to find one - or at least that's what she tells me - and I honestly believe her.

Obviously, I am on here because I want to save my marriage. But, at this point, I am not convinced that it is possible. My wife is very passionate about everything she does. She has never met a challenge that she shied away from. And, once she makes up her mind, it is very unlikely that she would ever change her mind. So different from me - I am the mellow one, the go with the flow guy, the unless she hits me in the head with the 2 x 4 - thinks everything is fine. I guess a typical guy from what I read here.

So, obviously, there are kids involved here - which complicates things. But, I am pretty much ready to have the heart to heart with her and tell her that I am ready to give her her freedom. 2 things complicate this: 1) she still is living here with me in our house, and 2) she doesn't yet have a 'real' job to support herself. She works for the baseball team in retail and really wants to wait until the season is over - which will be later this month - or at the end of October at the latest.

What I am thinking about saying to her is that she can have until the end of the year - or until she finds a job - and that she is free to go out on her own and get her own place to live.

I have not spoken to a lawyer (yet), and she specifically asked me if I had. I am not overly concerned about our finances - even though she spends money like it's out government (sorry for the political reference here). The money doesn't bother me that much. I have a great job, and can always earn money. What I care about is the impact our separation will have on the kids.

I KNOW that I need to set her free, and honestly, I'd love to believe that she would come back to me eventually after the novelty of being free wears off. But, she is such the type that once her mind is made up - that I'm really not sure.

When I talked to her about what was going on - I told her that I thought we owed it to our kids & family to go to counseling. Her reaction was - that's like we are trying to make it work - and I just don't think it's possible any more.

I hope that I haven't bored you out of your mind with all of my ramblings and trivial detail here.

Please help me by providing your excellent inputs. I have seen many of your postings, and comments, and genuinely look forward to hearing your comments to me about my situation.

Thank you in advance again for being there.