the anger

[needinghope]

Hello to all, I haven't posted in a while, so here it all is in brief.

H out on June 5th 2009 but wanted to go to counseling. We had a rough time for the last 2-3 years of our marriage, or as he says, forever. Whatever the case, he had an affair in the Spring of 07. When I discovered it, he wept, confessed, and swore to stop seeing her. Two more discoveries later with the same woman, I lost faith in our marriage.

I called a coach and did what she said. Though I felt it went well for most of May, he moved out anyway. Yet, he swore that he wanted to go to MC to heal our marriage, so we went every week and sometimes twice.

There were two times that I wanted out. I felt blamed and saw no progress or willingness on his part. But, he convinced me to not give up, so I didn‘t. After 15 weeks of intense counseling, I discovered that he never stopped seeing the OW! Ever! For two and a half years. I was incredibly upset, to say the least.

I filed last September and everything was final this past April.

I've learned so much in this process, mostly about myself. I had to come to terms with my contributions to the problem, and that sucked. The hardest part is over now, but I can't escape the feeling that, during this whole process, I made it really easy for people to believe his "crazy wife" story used to justify his behavior.

I hate how angry I got and how I acted. I sent crazed emails and spewed such hatred through text messages to both of them. He usually ignored them, but she always replied. She was condescending and self-righteous, as if that makes any sense.

My C once pointed out that I never attempted to cause them physical harm, and that's a route some women take. I guess I can take some comfort in that. In a weird, dark way.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I need to move past the guilt i feel and how ridiculous I got. I need to hear your stories, if you've been to that place.