WAH help please

[Oxymoron]

H came back after labor day. We didn't speak much-kept to our own parts of the house.

I worked a 12 hour shift the next day, and when I came home H said he wanted to make some phone calls, but didn't want to tie up the line if I needed to call my mother. It was the first time he mentioned that he knew about my mom. As expected, I was overwhelmed by emotion-mostly anger. I blew up and told him that I would need him out of the house next week while my mom was here. That I just couldn't deal with all of this loss and stress without being tempted to go to him for comfort. That if that happened I would be so humiliated because he was busy playing single guy and we both know he doesn't give a crap about anything concerning me anymore. H just looked at the floor and said he would be gone next week.

I tried to stick to the logical let them go speech. But there has been so little R talk since the bomb dropped, that it's just all aching to come out. H hasn't called me one time since the bomb; has only e-mailed 1 time about a bank error since the bomb. Communication is non-existant unless I'm home and doing my GAL stuff and being positive....then he drops in with, "you smell good", "you've been looking nice lately", etc.

I was re-reading DR, and was reminded about baby steps. Before H left for the weekend he did say that I could e-mail him if I needed anything....and he also 'fessed up that he does have a cell phone, but his account was messed up currently and the minutes he just bought weren't showing up, so he wasn't giving the # out to anyone. He also said he was very very sorry about my mom, and moved to hug me, but hesitated, and I walked away. I'm not sure if those count as positive baby steps, or I'm just a complete failure at all of this.

It's a grey rainy day here...I feel hopeless and lost. I hid on the computer all day reading the DB site and watching a horrible tv shows. Had a long GAL/180 list that I totally ignored.