My wife dropped the "I want to be alone""ILYBINILWY""I've made up my mind and nothing will change it" speeches.
After all the 2x4's, my gut feeling along with various evidence left me to believe my W was having an A. I failed to properly handle this situation and did not aggressively seek to bust the affair, instead I confronted and angrily accused, which of course she denied. This left me feeling guilty and a all my fault full pursuit mode attitude. I tried, but failed to completely apply the "Letting go". All along my gut was continuing to tell me something was up, but I didn't have hard proof.
Last Saturday, after a very pleasant visit with her in the morning, I asked her if she would be willing to open up our lines of communication and maybe be open to forgiving and forgetting. Her response was instantly cold and distant. I asked if she was seeing anyone...and She confidently looked me in the eyes and said "No, I'm not" "Quit looking at me like I'm lying". I was calm and very neutral when I asked this, I just said "ok". Approximately, 3 hours after that conversation I ran into her and the OM. I confronted him a little, but my anger was almost out of control so I turned and walked away.
My gut feeling had been confirmed and my prayers answered. I believe my sitch is unique because I was trying to apply the "Set them free" approach, but actually busted the A/her lies with my own eyes without aggressively following the Busting technique.
Currently, I'm applying the advice given to me by Sandi2 and now have the control and power to handle this situation as I choose. I will not tolerate her disrespect and cheating, but I also understand that my behavior contributed to this situation.
I have not responded or initiated any contact for one week. Her last text of importance was "If you don't wanna talk I completely understand. So I'll leave you alone".
Today, in the process of gaining my self-respect and moving forward I began packing her things. I uncovered used packets of "Emergency Contraception" that have been here prior to her moving out in June. This again confirms this has been going on for longer than the dropped bomb received in July.
I'm not as upset as when I ran into them, but it hurts and fills in even more pieces of the puzzle. I have read many posts in this forum regarding overcoming infidelity and believe I'm currently in protection & letting go phase. However, I believe my Marriage has been damaged by an outsider and that I had a severe handicap in trying to save my Marriage. I believe my Divorce is now because of this and not because of what I did.
I do accept that I'm not what my W wants right now and I really see no point in pursuing or calling her. However, I also still love her and would be willing to work on saving my M. Without communicating to her I'm feeling a lot more stable and in control.
It's also my belief that my very different "intervention" phase might have busted open the excitement and secretive value of her A and that she might be thinking differently. My view is this, if it wasn't an A and it was Love, she would have no reason to hide that she was with someone else.
My questions are...
Other than being cold dark and protecting myself, what can I do to put pressure on her to make her realize that she's hurting both of us? Is there any other tactics that could be applied to show her I'm serious about this M in an indirect non-pursuing way?
Not sure if it's of any importance, but since since Saturday a mutual friend of ours has been trying to contact my W and she has yet to respond to her.
I have cut my W off from the home and visiting our dogs as well.
I'm speaking with an Attorney Tuesday and I'm questioning if a quickie dissolution is sending the right message now. Would pursuing a regular Divorce be better? (minus the money aspect)
I'm struggling with the temptation of throwing the evidence I found today at my W and telling her Thanks to you I have to get tested now. (just a feeling - but I want to be as open an honest about what I feel here)
My view is this, if it wasn't an A and it was Love, she would have no reason to hide that she was with someone else.
This makes no sense. It's gobley gook--no disrespect. Anybody who is married and seeing somebody else is having an affair by definition. Other than that, you haven't said anything here.
Your situation is not that unique, and you seem to say this, but then you say things like the above to try to make it seem like your case is different. It isn't.
You might want to read up on busting affairs. Immediately after exposure, the exposure is likely to drive the affair partners closer together.
The point of exposure is not vindictive, it isn't to immediately win your spouse back either. Rather, it is to stop protecting the spouse having the affair from consequences of having an affair so that a little reality seeps in over less time partly by just ending the secrecy that adds to the affair's excitement.
Alan could tell you more if you give particulars like who would you expose to, and what would you tell them, and are they likely to support your marriage.
Alas, this is not that **special**. Sorry you are going through this, but dropping the rope, letting go, and going dim are usually the course after the spouse moves out. You, of course, need to protect yourself financially and stop any enabling behavior on your part.
As for divorce, that's your call. I can't imagine anybody would try to argue you out of it at this point, but it's your decission on how to proceed legally.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/11/1010:17 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Quote: My view is this, if it wasn't an A and it was Love, she would have no reason to hide that she was with someone else.
I believe he may be refering to when he bumped into his W with OM at the store and her reaction. He may not have stated it just right but I think I know what he's saying.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry TH, this is how I "feel". Maybe it promotes a 2x4, but after all that's why I'm here. I mean please just give me the benefit of help after finding this crap. It hurts man. I'm here for direction.
I know it's not THAT different, but it's more like a combo of everything happening in reverse order. That's why I said unique, no real difference in the outcome. Nothing special at all.
I'm just lost right now after finding additional evidence.
My gut is telling me I need to do something to stand up for my M in addition to myself. Maybe, it's a feeling of something I'm missing...Might not even be about the M, just something is not sitting right.
If you ask me, "Do you feel vindictive going dark?" I would say YES.
I don't want to have to retaliate in this way, I understand why I have to do it, but is vindictive?...yeah in a way it is. This is reality and unfortunately I can't make this become like the "Movies" where she comes back with open arms. However, I believe with how I contributed with my behavior to our M, I HELPED cause her "sickness".
Is getting a L vindictive? Yes and No, it's only to protect myself, but what if it throws an addt'l dose of reality in it for her. If I have to protect myself from her "sickness", why wouldn't I try anything to help her at the same time? Not enabling her is the only way I know of right now, is there anything else?
All I know is I exposed her A and lies...and now I even have PROOF. A week ago to the day, yeah I need to be open and prepared for anything.
I can't control her feelings about me or herself, but if there is something I can do besides the obvious, without compromising my self respect I want to know.
Times got tough, she felt the need to escape. Is she in the wrong...yes. Am I in the wrong? Yes.
All I know is I have the power and control to do whatever I need to do from here on and keep my sanity. In the end it's knowing that I went out being the best man I could be and for f'cking once be involved in my M.
Quote: My view is this, if it wasn't an A and it was Love, she would have no reason to hide that she was with someone else.
I believe he may be refering to when he bumped into his W with OM at the store and her reaction. He may not have stated it just right but I think I know what he's saying.
Faith, the other guys will come along and start giving you step by step what to do....if that is the direction you want to take. Right now you are very hurt and angry, as you should be. Just focus on getting through tonight.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Faith, the other guys will come along and start giving you step by step what to do....if that is the direction you want to take. Right now you are very hurt and angry, as you should be. Just focus on getting through tonight.
Thanks Sandi, I'll be ok, just another hurdle.
Please know your insight is just as important. I will post anything W says from here on and by all means if you see something of interest, please add your input. I appreciate your insight very much.
You know that I consider it one of my missions here to point out the difference between feelings and thoughts, right?
Feelings are things like happy, sad, despressed, excited, angry, calm, suprised, and so on. You can google "list of feelings" and get some pretty good lists of actual feelings.
I think it's important to seperate our thoughts from our feelings and acknowledge what we are really feeling.
It's part of good communication in a relationship to be able to accurately describe your feelings and differentiate them from your thoughts, plus once you acknowlege the feeling behind some of the thoughts, it enables you to think more clearly.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/11/1011:21 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
She accused me of snooping and spying and stalking previously. Well, if I had been doing any of this I would of found it sooner.
Should I in ANYWAY make it known to her that I found this? Did she leave this around for me to find it or was she just being careless? If she wanted me to find it, was she wanting me to fight for her?
Speaking of vindictive...I was thinking of putting the packages in an envelope along with my wedding ring and mailing it to her work.
