My wife dropped the "I want to be alone""ILYBINILWY""I've made up my mind and nothing will change it" speeches.
After all the 2x4's, my gut feeling along with various evidence left me to believe my W was having an A. I failed to properly handle this situation and did not aggressively seek to bust the affair, instead I confronted and angrily accused, which of course she denied. This left me feeling guilty and a all my fault full pursuit mode attitude. I tried, but failed to completely apply the "Letting go". All along my gut was continuing to tell me something was up, but I didn't have hard proof.
Last Saturday, after a very pleasant visit with her in the morning, I asked her if she would be willing to open up our lines of communication and maybe be open to forgiving and forgetting. Her response was instantly cold and distant. I asked if she was seeing anyone...and She confidently looked me in the eyes and said "No, I'm not" "Quit looking at me like I'm lying". I was calm and very neutral when I asked this, I just said "ok". Approximately, 3 hours after that conversation I ran into her and the OM. I confronted him a little, but my anger was almost out of control so I turned and walked away.
My gut feeling had been confirmed and my prayers answered. I believe my sitch is unique because I was trying to apply the "Set them free" approach, but actually busted the A/her lies with my own eyes without aggressively following the Busting technique.
Currently, I'm applying the advice given to me by Sandi2 and now have the control and power to handle this situation as I choose. I will not tolerate her disrespect and cheating, but I also understand that my behavior contributed to this situation.
I have not responded or initiated any contact for one week. Her last text of importance was "If you don't wanna talk I completely understand. So I'll leave you alone".
Today, in the process of gaining my self-respect and moving forward I began packing her things. I uncovered used packets of "Emergency Contraception" that have been here prior to her moving out in June. This again confirms this has been going on for longer than the dropped bomb received in July.
I'm not as upset as when I ran into them, but it hurts and fills in even more pieces of the puzzle. I have read many posts in this forum regarding overcoming infidelity and believe I'm currently in protection & letting go phase. However, I believe my Marriage has been damaged by an outsider and that I had a severe handicap in trying to save my Marriage. I believe my Divorce is now because of this and not because of what I did.
I do accept that I'm not what my W wants right now and I really see no point in pursuing or calling her. However, I also still love her and would be willing to work on saving my M. Without communicating to her I'm feeling a lot more stable and in control.
It's also my belief that my very different "intervention" phase might have busted open the excitement and secretive value of her A and that she might be thinking differently. My view is this, if it wasn't an A and it was Love, she would have no reason to hide that she was with someone else.
My questions are...
Other than being cold dark and protecting myself, what can I do to put pressure on her to make her realize that she's hurting both of us? Is there any other tactics that could be applied to show her I'm serious about this M in an indirect non-pursuing way?
