Approximately 5 weeks ago my husband of 4 years broke down crying and told me he was sorry but he wanted a divorce. He states that we are disconnected, he knows we can no longer be happy together, he waited too long to tell me and that he won't change his mind and he just wants to be ALONE... What really happened... he started out saying he wasn't sure if it was a phase but that while he finds me attractive he no longer loves me. Then I did and said all the wrong things, arguing with him about how we haven't even tried marriage counseling etc. until I pushed him right out the door within a week. He was then DEFINITE that he wanted a divorce and he wanted it YESTERDAY! You see, we have been married 4 years. For the past 3 of those 4 years, I have been in a medical residency training program that has kept me from home for long hours, weekends and overnights. Sure, we have had our problems with communication and times when we argued a lot, but no other major problems. My husband is very sensitive and in retrospect, I think he started pulling away about 2 to 2.5 years ago... shortly after I got the position. We work at the same hospital and I thought he could/would understand my time committment since he went through a similar, but less intense program. Instead, I think it ate at him that the job got most of my attention but wouldn't dream of telling me this. He knows my bosses and I think he didn't want to lose face by admitting he couldn't stand it. The signs were there that he was unhappy but I had my head in the sand where he was concerned. I kept looking for the light at the end of the tunnel as the residency is over in 1 year. Sadly, I was doing this residency for the two of us... now it is fairly meaningless to have this without a husband. Within a week, I got Michelle's book and started divorce busting. We have to see each other at work at from time to time so I have made every interaction as positive as possible. I am doing the 180 as I am sure he will file for divorce, he doesn't tend to change his mind once he starts down a certain path. He has at least slowed down and started to realize what all is involved in a divorce as he had clearly not thought through the details. He hasn't mentioned divorce papers now in a couple of weeks and hasn't yet filed. I have been working on myself like crazy. I run almost everyday and while I wasn't overweight, I look better than I have in a while since starting to exercise. I also bought a motorcycle something I used to have and had forgotten how much fun it actually is...! This clearly surprised him and he was curious about it. We are now friendly and he sent me several text messages last night about his new TV- we were best friends so naturally he wants to tell me about his new excitement... So the question I have... what do I do about responding to him right now? He has not changed him mind, his communication is mainly about himself as previously described.. he doesn't care much about me... it is all about him right now. I want to keep being friendly but if I am really going to do a 180, I feel like I should probably start pulling back. It has only been a week or so that he have been this friendly though so I feel unsure. I want him to know that it is safe to talk to me and he can expect a pleasant response. I can't believe the range of emotions I can feel in the course of only one day. From anger to shock to relief to pain and back again. I feel like someone has abducted by spouse. Thank you to anyone that read this entire post. Wish I knew what was going on inside his head.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
In Michelle's divorce busting book she encourages us to pay attention to the small things. Positive 'baby steps' are a wonderful indicator of whether things are improving but they are difficult to see and even more difficult to acknowledge. When we are having this sort of marital difficulties we want instant results. A residency is haaarrd! I remember when my sister went through it. You are both under alot of pressure and its important to be careful and take things as slowly as possible. Take heart and stay with your positive 180s. It sounds as though you are doing something right. Remember that patience is key.
"Wants to be alone" is usually code for, "I want to be with someone else, and you're getting in the way." Can you investigate? That may answer a few questions and let you know where you really stand.
It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of getting a life (GAL) so far. Keep it up, and be the best BLGP you can be, so that whatever happens, you will be okay.
I truly have looked to see any kind of evidence of someone else in the picture. I know it is more likely for someone in my situation to become blind to this than actually admit it and see it. However, I can find no evidence of it. I do think in his mind he wants to be with someone else, to 'start healing from this' and move on. I can't find any actual evidence of there being a specific person. I do see a very depressed person though...
Even when he was telling me about his feelings I shared with him that I went through something similar 2 years prior and felt that I wanted to find love again etc. He really rejected this idea and again felt I didn't understand him, he 'just can't keep trying in our relationship anymore'.
Well, now this is going on 7 weeks. He asked me for a favor yesterday to look at his dog (I got her for him about 3 months ago). We are both veterinarians and work in the same large hospital. He is a specialist and doesn't generally deal with routine health problems so he asked me to look at her. Together we got her taken care of and treated yesterday. He called a couple of times to thank me for helping him. At first he kept telling me not to come into the hospital if I don't need to... I was pleasant and told him I was happy to do it and that I genuinely care for the dog. This seemed to satisfy his guilt (?) for asking me.
He still wants to come over to my apartment and set this up and that up for me. I finally let him come over last week (wasn't quite ready and my schedule is crazy). He came over to set up my desk and get my TV/internet working. At the end of it, I handed him a small gift of guitar picks as he has taken this up as a hobby in the past year. I told him I saw them and thought of him and that maybe he could use them and it would encourage him to get back to playing (he has been doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching TV for some time). He clearly was very touched by this and thanked me. After leaving, he texted me a couple more times about other topics and a project we had planned to work on together. The small gift idea came to me after reading the 5 love languages. That book was profound to me considering my situation. We have not spoken each other's love language (I didn't even know different languages existed) since our early courtship 8 to 9 years ago. I realized that he was bringing me gifts frequently, I think this is one of his strongest love languages. It amazed me the effect it had giving him a 5 dollar gift.
Then again, I think he pulled back a little for a couple of days. I think deep down he doesn't really want a divorce but he thinks it is the only way because he is not in love with me anymore and he feels incredibly guilty about that. He has been trying to work on our relationship but with my crazy schedule and him speaking his love language to me, not my love language to me, I didn't see his attempts. Now he feels 'it is too late' for him, as he said 7 weeks ago.
I can't believe what a crazy mess our relationship has become. No one could have convinced me 4 years ago that this would be my life right now.
Oh, and prior to him coming to my apt... I think words of affirmation are another key love language for him and I am truly deficient in this area. I didn't have it growing up and never learned to speak it naturally. I think I did another powerful thing... We had an international conference in TX the week before he came to my apartment. We both needed to attend, we went separately and stayed at separate hotels (normally we do this together every year, staying together of course). Well, I had 2 talks to give at this conference. This is a big honor and a big deal to someone in my position. He was involved in one of the projects so I knew he would be there for the talk. He came to the talk and at the end I acknowledged 4 people. He was one and in the room full of his peers, I thanked him for his tremendous support for the past 3 years... and I killed the presentation. He hunted me down in the hallway at the end of the presentation and gave me the biggest heartfelt hug I have gotten from him in a very long time. He told me how proud he was of me, that I was like a different person giving the presentation (as it went very well and I have a terrible fear of speaking). He made a point to come to my talk the following morning that didn't involve him, he had no need to be there. He came anyway and sent me a text again afterward about how proud he was and what a great job I had done. I think the words of affirmation had a very positive effect on him. We have struggled to get close to one another for so long and had no idea how to do it. We definitely weren't speaking each others language. Will he one day see a glimmer of hope in our relationship? I don't know but I can tell you that I expected him to bring divorce papers to me as soon as the conference was over and it still hasn't happened.
I am doing my best to take care of myself. I am already a naturally thin person but have now lost 12 lbs and it is a lot for me. I am sure he can see it. I run frequently and am now up to 30 minutes, I first for me. He knows about this as he has asked. I think he is genuinely looking for change in me... will he ever believe it is occurring, I don't know. I know that he has no idea what his true contribution has been to the downfall of our relationship and thinks it is mainly me.
Now I am getting a little worried that I have been too nice. I feel like the 180 is the only shot I have but don't know when and how much I should pull back. When all of this started to happen and after reading Michelle's book, I told him I would like to attend counseling to at least achieve closure. He told me he couldn't do it 'at this time' but that 'if I still felt that way in a couple of months' he would do it then. We are getting close to a couple of months and I am worried it is still not the right time to ask. Things have been going better NOT talking about the relationship. However, how long is too long? Will he keep just distancing himself and do an effective job of it? I want to propose, when the time is right, that we skip the weekly counseling sessions for closure and go see Michelle for 2 days. I think, if I time it right, he will go. I am just so scared it won't work... meaning, of course I want him to reinvest in the relationship but know he may never do that. Any I do truly want closure if that is all I can get as I never, ever want to end up in this situation again. Oh, so many questions. I wish I had a crystal ball... can I really afford to see Michelle? No but can I afford not too? I will make plenty of money in another year when my training is done. I want to be able to sleep again at night.
Sorry this is so long. I hope someone will still read it.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Thank you so much for reading my post. I didn't see your message until today because I didn't know how to work this board! I think positive changes have definitely occurred and you are so right I am very impatient by nature but have worked so hard on being patient with this. My feelings still catch me off guard sometimes and I want instant results! I am so worried about waiting too long, will he effectively protect his heart against me forever the longer this goes on??? You can see him working hard to do just that at times. His armor is so thick it is almost visible.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
One last thing to add eeyore_no_more regarding investigating if there is someone else. He looks AWFUL. We work in the same building so I see him at least a couple times a week. He really looks terrible. He has lost weight, he almost shaved his head, didn't shave his beard at all for a while, now does so occasionally. I would think that if he found someone he would be doing what he could to look good for her... He is also clearly depressed. Many people have commented about his abnormal behavior. He is usually very outgoing and talks with everyone. He very easily pretends everything is fine which is why I think I was blindsided... He hasn't done that as effectively lately. It actually makes me quite sad to see him this way. He appears to be really suffering, he has stated weeks ago how hard this is for him... Don't think it proves anything but again, haven't seen any evidence of someone else.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Please blgp - don't assume because he looks awful he is not having an affair. Do you know how many people here say the same thing and their spouse is IN an affair!
STOP buying him gifts...do not be his friend...be cordial but you aren't his buddy anymore - sorry. That is what he gives up when he decides he wants to leave. Continue to be upbeat and happy - without him. Please listen to the advice here.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Thanks for your reply luvless. I guess the question I have is why should I spend a bunch of energy on trying to find out if he is having an affair? What does it change? If he is with someone else, it seems he would be more likely to eventually find the faults in this person than he ever would of the ideal fantasy he has in his mind.
I hear you suggesting that I cut him off as a friend but is this really divorce-busting? My normal behavior is to just walk away and cut him off... a problem that has been something he has dealt with in the past. The opposite of that would be what I am doing now. I don't contact him, I let him contact me. He keeps contacting me to do these things... I understand it very well and probably is out of guilt. I'm not arguing with your advice, I have thought of doing exactly what you are suggesting as this is the most natural action to me. I want to gain understanding of your perspective so please elaborate.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Agree with Luv. You have no idea how many times a day we all read "I do not believe he/she is involved with someone else" and then it turns out that person is.
No more gifts. Stop that. He has got to feel the loss of you. He wants out so let him go. Be cordial with him but not over-the-top. That is a good thing that he hasn't brought up D again. Keep your focus on you and all of your interactions with him positive.
I guess the question I have is why should I spend a bunch of energy on trying to find out if he is having an affair? What does it change? If he is with someone else, it seems he would be more likely to eventually find the faults in this person than he ever would of the ideal fantasy he has in his mind.
You need to know what your up against.
As for doing errands and favors for him- Stop b/c it will show him what life will be like wothout you around. You need to make him feel he's losing you.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
