Ominus Bonus

[steady]

Thanks Gritter. Needed to read those things you wrote. Over the past few days I have, for some reason, not by my intention, began seeing it as her crisis.

I've talked to her in the past about the cycles we run through. We repeat them over and over until we get it right and learn what we're supposed to learn.

Her current R reflects almost exactly how her and I hooked up. I was living in VA as an instructor in a Jiu Jitsu/Adult self improvement school. My instructor, lets call him 'nut', bought a house with 52 acres and we built a school in his basement.

One of the instructors stayed in NY with a school. That instructor, lets call him 'vin', met my W and started dating her. The two of them eventually moved down to VA. Nut manipulated them out of their R. Nut and my W started spending a lot of time together. They did a lot of work together with our clients - energy healing type work. Nut wasn't shy about talking about how much he adored my W. Nut was married to a really nice woman who was also an instructor.

After a year of this everything started to get really crazy there. I was looking for an exit. My W was stressing and one day pursued me. We started seeing each other in secret. Sneaking around, etc...

Eventually we left and moved to the coast of VA.

Here she is under similar stressful circumstances, hooking up with someone who was a friend, (her and I were friends down in VA), he's providing E support, they're sneaking around and hiding their R, he's definitely someone she can push around and walk on, etc...

It's basically mirroring how her and I got together. Eerily similar.

I find I can see it more for what it is than what it means to me. It actually hasn't had that big of an impact on me. I think it's because of how long my sitch has been going on.

About a year or so ago I told her one day she would be doing the dishes, hear a song, looking out the window, or some other simple or innocent thing, and suddenly she would wake up and wonder what the hell she did.She may, may not. I used to hope for that day but I don't anymore. At the time it seemed like it would be nice vindication, but I don't need that validation like I did back then. I'm in a much healthier spot in reference to my own self worth/esteem. I have gotten to a point where I'm pretty solid in self-validation and don't need it from an outside source. There's still some residual in me and I'm not sure I could ever get it all out.

But I feel solid. I like who I am. I like who I have become. I like the vision of who I am still turning into.