I gave up...filed for D

[luvless]

I have to say I spoke too soon. I said just 4 days ago that I was feeling ok to let go but yesterday I had such a bad day!

He emails me and it starts. I seem to do just fine then bam he invades my inbox and upsets me. I had a terrible day and felt so sad. I mean really sad. I hadn't felt that in a while. It caught up to me I guess. I started thinking why did this happen to us? That our family was broken forever.

We went back and forth about how it's always about him and he only cares about himself. I got on his case about not answering my older son's email (which son was very upset about) He came telling me, "mom dad finally answered me" with a smile on his face. He doesn't know it's because I told his dad how terrible that it was for him to not respond so then probably out of guilt - he does. This is the stuff that is tearing me up. I see my kids feel so abandoned by their dad. If I didn't have to see this I could heal much faster. Then again I chose him to be their father - nice huh?

I am not in a good place. Who knows why I feel this way. I hope it's just a dip in the rollercoaster. I'm getting sick of it. I haven't lived in 10 months and I'm dying to feel normal again.

Thanks to a very dear friend of mine who has seen me through so much. I think I can get there.

Luv