Do I wait her out?

[Stubborn-Male]

I am 64 years old, my wife is 45, and we have known each other for 12 years and have been married for ten years. We have no children and have taken early retirement in France, and have an active social life. The eight years of our relationship before retirement were great. I have always treated my wife well, loving, caring and certainly no violence. Then in late July 2009 we discovered that I had cancer on my left kidney and part of my spine. I had an operation to remove the kidney, and then started on anti-cancer drugs to kill the cancer on my spine. Since November the drugs have working well, though making me very ill with the side effects. I am still taking the medication and have lost 35pounds in weight. During my illness I relied on her totally, from July last year to when she left. I have had great pain, radiotherapy, operation, lots & lots of morphine, anti-cancer drugs with nasty side effects, the list goes on; it is difficult for me to say how I treated her during this period of time, as much of it is a fog due to the drugs, but I was never unkind, always as loving as I could be in my bleary world.
In late March I had a scan which showed no sign of the cancer. After the scan my wife’s attitude changed and any affection stopped. At Easter this year, with a days notice, she told me she was very depressed and having a nervous breakdown and needed some time on her own to ‘sort her head out’ and left to stay about 15 miles away. She says she wants to do things for herself, be on her own, live life to the full, she said she cares for me a great deal, that our age difference in not a problem, at the time when pressed a little on the subject of love for me, said one cannot just stop loving after 12 years. She says her passion for the marriage has gone and she cannot get it back; she will not talk to me about why she feels this way, and I am reasonably sure she doesn’t know herself. She insisted at the time that there was no one else and I believe her, now five months later I don’t know.
It has all been a MASSIVE shock to me as I was totally unaware there were any problems, I have always been a caring and loving husband. I find out now that she bottles things up inside her, in 12 years, I never knew that.
My doctor says that she was not emotionally able to cope with the trauma of my illness, this has caused depression, disliking the house, sex, me and our life together. She will not go to a doctor or therapist, to seek help.
After she had been away seven weeks she told me that she won’t be coming back and that she has decided just after she left. Surely it is silly making major decisions whilst under stress. She has since said that she has moved on and I must too. I love her deeply, but I don’t know that I am able to wait for her to see if she changes her mind.
Two weeks ago she was pressing me to sort out a split of our assets, so she can buy a house and ‘put down roots’. I have refused to talk about this as I feel it is far too soon. I then said, by e-mail, that I was not stalling for reconciliation with her now but that I wanted to sort out what I wanted to do. I also said that I felt it would be better for me not to have any contact for quite a while. NC for two weeks.
I am working on myself after reading the forum posts for a couple of weeks and feel much better about myself. I have been decorating the house, for me, not her!
I am not intending to give up on her, but just what can I do? I have been considering filing for divorce but don’t want to as I believe in marriage.
I do have lots more to tell.
M:64
W:45
Married: 08/07/2000
No children
Bomb drop: 05/04/2010
Moved out: 05/04/2010

[hurtinhartford]

SM,

I am sorry you are here. I am not sure if I can advise since I am in a similar state of NC. My W left me 9 weeks ago and has not initiated contact except once during this time.

I can advise and I believe that it is posted on Sandi2 post the things you should not be doing. Other posters that have far greater experience in providing advice will be along soon. I am glad that your health is on the positive track.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

SM,

Sorry your here, it is a good place however.

First, how are you recovering from you cancer??
I wish you well.

Since you've been here reading sitchs then you know there are a few scenarios to DBing.

Have you searched for infidelity??

If not' it's strongly suggested you do.
Don't ask her b/c she will only lie.

You need to find out what you're up against.

Have you seen Puppys advice for newcommers yet?

Plan 1 or 2.

If you haven't let me know, I'll find it for you.

Take care of yourself right now. It is a long process.

gr8

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Just a heads up SM. Weekends are slow around here.
We're all GALing.

[sandi2]

I have seen first hand how a serious illness can distroy a MR. Some people simply cannot deal with a lifestyle where their S has to face sickness or some sort of limitations. I have also seen & heard of cases such as yours, where the S would stay by their loved one's bedside...but when the doctor said they were in remission....the S left. There could be several reasons. I'm sure she was scared that you would die and maybe she doesn't feel that she could go through that again. Perhaps she had to face her own private thoughts and was disappointed that she was not stronger. Some people just do not want to be around any sickness, b/c it is depressing if one doesn't know how to handle the day to day mental attitude.

She may honestly not know how to tell you what she's feeling. I would bet that she just wanted to "escape" b/c the M took on a different life from what the two of you had had and she found out that she was no longer attracted to you. She knows in her heart that she "cares" very much for you, but the sexual attraction is gone. She doesn't want to tell you that b/c she knows it would be awful to tell someone who has been fighting for his life that he is not attractive. That puts a lot of guilt on her, so she wants to escape.

Unless I missed it, she hasn't asked for a D. So my advice is to give her what she has asked and split things up and give her the space she needs. I can assure you that being a stubborn H will not make you attractive in her eyes.

Do not file for a D. But if she wants one, let her do it. In the meantime, you work on getting very healthy. You work at improving "everything" about yourself. You've been given another chance at life....so don't cheat yourself of the happiness you deserve. You cheat yourself by having negative feelings....and that is not what you need while trying to get stronger.

After some more time has passed, and she sees the man she fell in love with.....then she will begin to feel drawn back to you.

She has seen you very ill (which you could not help), but it's important that she sees your inner strength. If she sees you feeling confident of your own life & health, and sees you in every positive light....then she won't feel as much "fear" as she may have felt when you were sick.

So, leave her alone and do not pursue her. Give her time. Work on yourself and be happy. Whenever she runs into you she will see this happy man and I believe she will think you are very attractive and it will stir some old feeling within her.

[Stubborn-Male]

Hi GR8,
After the operation to remove infected kidney i started on ant-cancer drugs to kill the affected areas on my spine; I had one vertibrae 50% eaten away. I am also on special bone growing drugs; the latest scans I had show that most of the vertibrae has grown back! No sign of any other cancer on the scans or blood tests, so fingers crossed though I will be on drugs at least until Xmas. I am still physically weak and tired.
Infidelity, mmmm. I really don't know. My wife is very involved with social activities, mainly with people I know; I think if there is someone it is very, very secret. Her family, who I talk to frequently, insist there is no one else. It's difficult to verify without stalking etc.
I have not found Puppys advice, a link would be helpful, thanks.

[Stubborn-Male]

Hi sandi2,
Thank you very much for your comments, they are very much in line with my take on the situation. The split up of assets is a little difficult but manageable. I will give much thought to it in the next few days. I will hold on the D.
I am working on myself and even I can see the improvement, I feel quite happy about life at the moment; I am not pursuing her and am prepared to give her time.

[Stubborn-Male]

Hi everyone,
Just a quick question.
Tomorrow there is a social event with the group we are involved with; do I go, and how do I act bearing in mind I haven't seen her for three weeks and two weeks ago I said I wanted no contact.
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M:64
W:45
Married: 08/07/2000
No children
Bomb drop: 05/04/2010
Moved out: 05/04/2010

[gr8 day 2B alive]

SM,
I'm having trouble locating puppys post. I look some more later, have to go now.

As for the event,
Do you want to go to it? Don't let her being there disrupt your life.

Do what's best for you.

[pinhead]

SM,

As a fellow cancer survivor whose wife had a hard time dealing with the fear of losing me, I have a bit of understanding of what you might be going through. Take care of yourself first; a positive mental attitude is vital in your situation.

God be with you.