Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Dagny-2]

I just finished a whole long post and hit go instead of submit and it disappeared. Gosh, it was so insightful and everything.

I did want to record some journaling, I don't know if I have the energy to do it again.

H has been wanting to have long conversations this week. I’m not sure if he feels odd talking to OW while the kids in the house, or if he is using this time to try to pry into my mind. We had another long one last night (the previous night I said no to talking, that I was still emotionally drained from the night before). The only time we raised our voices was over the cleanliness of the house. He only sees what I fail to do (bathroom counters, vacuum never touched –only bedrooms have carpet, hand prints on the wall), I got angry and told him what I did. Oh, and there are maggots in the trash can, how is that my fault. So he said, guess I hit a nerve, I said he did and maybe we should say goodnight. I was waiting for him to say bye, but he didn’t, he still wanted to talk!

I made sure when I talked to him to use the words affair and adultery, I want to call a spade a spade. He said I don’t need to make him feel guilty, he already feels guilty, but he knows that he is a good person, and it doesn’t matter what other people think, because he knows that. He is doing what is “right for him”, what he needs to do to make him happy (no mention of me (expected) or the kids). If he was so sure he is a good person, why has he not told a single one of his friends that he has left his wife and kids? The only people he has told are his parents.

I asked him some questions about OW, her age and if she has children, he said what does it matter to each question. I said that C (who he respects) told me that the kids shouldn’t meet her for at least a year, that is will just mess them up even more. I asked if he respected that, and he said yes. We’ll see, his word isn’t quite what is used to be.

He keeps asking me for a timeline, how long until I do something. I told him about the Great Race, see who gets to the finish line first, that I won’t wait around forever and my love for him will eventually die. I’m sure some of you will say I sound needy, but I don’t feel it, I think it is just a matter of fact. Honestly, I know for the kids it is best if we reconcile and that is why I’m keeping this option open, but every day it continues, my feelings for him die a little bit more. I told him that S11 wants to finish the school year down there, he said that it too long. Though, I don’t know what he plans to do, kick us out? I have the leverage of exposing A.

He is now inventorying the house, I told him if he pushes things too fast, I won’t be able to handle it, that this is all a process, that he needs to give me time to work through the stages and he has had plenty of time to think about what he wants. Just trying to slow it down, I don’t want to make any major decisions based on emotions, I want to be rational about this. He did say that he knows at some point he would have to move back to PA to be near the kids (is this true, or some ploy to make me think he would). And what about the love of his life, is he going to bring her with him, is she going to leave her roots, her friends & family? He expects a lot from the women in his life.

Speaking of A, OW is a direct report to him. If they break up, I would imagine she could sue him for sexual harassment. C said I need to leave this alone, because ultimately it would hurt the kids if H loses his job and the means to support them. But if I need to use it as a threat, I will.

He asked at one point if we were friends. I asked him what he thought, he said that the previous night’s conversations he believed we were, but he wasn’t “feeling” it tonight. I said something, not sure what, and said I hope we come through this being friends. I also told him that C said that I shouldn’t worry if my actions would make him angry, he was confused about that, asked me for examples, I gave him two bland ones, I’m sure he was wondering if I was going to do any exposing-A type techniques, I didn’t think this was the time to let him know how far I would go.

I have set up a meeting with his parents. Last time he left me they went with him to shop for his new townhouse, had fun with it. They never called me to see how I was managing, though in proximity they are my closest relatives, my parents live 10 hours away and my sister was overseas. As we got closer to reconciling, he invited me to xmas and I sat there as his parents and brother’s family gave him presents for his new place. Once we reconciled, nothing was ever said to me. I have resented that to this day. So I’m not going to let it happen this time. I’m putting my big girl panties on and I’m going to go see them, I won’t trash H, but I will state how devastated the kids are, I am. They are my children’s grandparents, I will have to have a R going forward, and I want to clear the air now. I will use my best DB skills and make it about me, my needs, the kids needs, and not what I think H is thinking.
Saw one L here (liked her, but she is retiring in December). Unfortunately, the complexity of our lives makes a D very complex, the question of who has venue over the children.

Legally, the quicker I move back here the better. But I’m just not ready for that. Though even C asked what good it was doing living there in my attempt to save the M. If H files in TN, I can counter-file in PA, but then we start paying money on the fight just to establish venue! I need to keep a close eye on H and find out what his plans are, I can’t let him file in TN before I’m living here. This trying to keep the door open and protect myself, is getting very difficult.

Okay, this is long enough, and I’ve done it twice. I like trying to capture everything that was said, but what to do about it is a whole different ballgame. Speaking of which, Go Lions!