Need advice

[lovehurts]

4mb - forgive me - I'm really wordy. This was a follow up letter, however a lot of people to it for the first time. I'll send you the first one too, but it wasn't nearly as good.

I wanted to give you an update on our situation. For those of you that have reached out with kind words of support in emails and phone calls, thank you. For those of you that haven't responded, I realize this may be uncomfortable for you (it's uncomfortable for me). I would never ask anyone to do something outside of their comfort zone, but again, I am taking steps to save my marriage and family and am looking for support from those we both love and respect to help with this.

I have invited H to end his affair with OW but he has refused to do this. I have also invited OW to step away (twice now) and she has refused. I had to take steps to protect myself and my family from this very destructive dynamic. I've asked H to leave our home. While this may seem like a message of being finished with the marriage, it's far from it. I know that by allowing him to live here and continue the affair, is a signal of approval of the infidelity. It's not a message I chose to send. I also know that by having H here while having knowledge of the affair begins to deteriorate my love for him. I don't want that to happen. I have let H know that as soon as he ends his affair, he welcome back in to my heart and our home.

I see this very much as an addiction. If someone was an alcoholic, you would take any measures possible to help the one you love get better. You would ask your friends and family to not give that person a drink or greet them with a high five in a bar. All of you know this is an absolute pattern for H and by running away from the reality of this addiction, only serves to have history repeat itself over and over again. I know you understand what that may do to our sons.

I also want you to know that I take full accountability for my part in our relationship not being what it should up to this point. However, I don't take blame for an affair. I don't know any couple who doesn't go through ups and downs. I have made significant changes and attempts to bring our marriage back to what it should be, for my well being, H well being and our family's well being. But because of a third party was involved, it was very one sided.

I also want to stress again, I am in a very good place emotionally and psychologically. Please know this does not mean I'm okay with this. If you've seen me, you know I've had significant weight loss, I don't sleep more than a few hours at a time and I have bouts of crying. I think this is pretty normal, considering. However, I have a really strong support system of friends and family (and an amazing therapist). I'm not looking for an extended support system for me, I'm looking for a support system for H to do the right thing for his family. You know he has isolated himself from nearly everyone in his life. He needs people who love him and don't want to see him go down this destructive path yet again. I'd be more than happy to talk to any of you about the situation (maybe you just want to call to check if I haven't gone off the deep end - because this is so odd) I don't necessarily want to extend my network because by perseverating on this only serves to not help me heal and puts me in a position of having the love deteriorate. But that's not to say I won't talk to you about this to help you understand if you would like. Just know, I'm reaching out to you for H and our family.

Please understand, that I understand that this is incredibly unconventional, even counterintuitive. So many people have said, "move on" "kick him to the curb" etc. The way I see it, if your child makes mistakes, do you move on or kick them to the curb? No, it's unconditional love. You may have to take a tough love approach, but you love them and help them through it. My love for H is unconditional.

Thank you for your continued support of our marriage and family.