I have never had so much attention paid to me. I want to say that regardless of if I think your points are right or wrong I appreciate the debate, posts, insight, comparison, and caring thoughts that you guys have shown me. I truly appreciate every comment, no matter what. Some would just read and keep going but you guys have taken time out of your life to help/guide/discuss whatever and it means alot.
That said, I want to explain something about myself. Because of my past/present I always question myself and my thoughts/decisions, so I tend to analyze from many different angles. My IC compared me to the computer at the end of Wargames that was trying to figure out the outcome of a war. In a way that's what I do. Is it right, I don't know but is ME. I will look at everything from many different angles and positions and that's why I appreciate everyone's input. It helps me see outside of my little world to other views.
Now I don't want you to think I'm flippant in reality and that I'm flipping things on my H/family every which way, that's not it at all. I just am not spontaneous, not when it comes to important things. On this board, I am posting the inner workings of my crazy brain and believe it or not, my journal is even more bizarre. This is why I haven't made the decision to leave or stay.
My H is saying all the right things and says that he sees the changes HE needs to make for himself. I applaud him and hope he's ready for the draining work ahead. I will admit I'm not ready to believe it yet but I will not doubt that he will.
I take things one day at a time. I can't change the past only accept that it happened, I can't predict the future it makes me anxious, so I'm focused on today...the only thing I have control over.
Wishing you all the best, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
