My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

Awest....oh yes, something has come of it. The H actually filed on June 15th. After that point he still was a range of emotions everytime I had any contact with him. Fast forward to July 24th and guess what? He just shows up at the house and thats it. He's home again. I was apprehensive but he told me that he wanted to do things together and that he wanted to make things right and we had things pretty good together. He told me that the OW was a homewrecker and that she contacted the police about him contacting her. Weird I know. He told the police that he was at home reconciling his marriage. But she also called their work and told them that he was harrassing her. Well their employer fired both of them. That was actually a relief to me for him to not be working with her any longer and with the other co-workers who support divorce. He has another job and was able to pick up more shifts to compensate for the loss. So Great right? He told me that he also sent her parents an email about being a homewrecker and ruining his marriage.

Things were going pretty well. We celebrated our 8th anniversary. He told me a couple of times that he just doesn't feel right and cant explain it and he was constantly tired. A few times he also told me that he felt like he couldn't breath and was shaky (signs of anxiety I believe). Then he tells me that he's excited about this boat project he wants to start so it can maybe lift his mood. He also tells me that he heard a commercial for ADHD and he could answer "yes" to every single symptom/characteristic they listed. This seemed to really upset him. He mentioned it again a couple of times and actually told me at one point he was going to see a doctor to talk. WOW. I was so excited and thought it was a major step forward. I was very excited.

Then on August 21st he just doesn't come home from work. I finally get in contact with him at midnight and he is at his moms house again. I get the same story as all the other times. "I'm having issues" and "I need to clear my head"....blah, blah, blah. The next day I decided to check our phone records. We just combined our cell bills again 4 days before. Guess who he is talking/texting with? The OW. I was shocked. I thought for sure she was gone for good considering she called the police and all.

I decided I had enough and sent her a nice text message letting her know that her communication with him was innapropriate and we had reconciled our marriage. She was shocked to hear this. He told her that he was still living with his Mom and had never been home. Apparently they ran into each other at work again. He works in the ER and she works for an ambulance co. So I guess it was bound to happen. She claims he appologized and wanted to know if she would help him with information on a church. Mind you he doesn't believe in church and god. She said she was apprehensive at first but after the initial anger of him trying to destroy her and ruin her relationship with her friends and family she said she still felt sorry for him. We texted quite a bit back and forth and she confirmed every single thought or feeeling I had about their relationship. She had no idea that he had been in and out of our house so many times. She wishes we had talked sooner and that he had lied to her multiple times about filing for divorce and had at one point told her he would be divorced in May. She said she wouldn't blame me for hating her and that she doesn't want to be that girl that breaks up a marriage. She doesn't understand why he has lied so mcuh and wishes she had gone to school back East so that she could be away from him. She said he plays the sympathy card alot. She thinks he is messed up and told him that he needed to figure his life out without her in it and he should go home and talk to me.

Well the H has not been home and as far as I know they were still in contact as of Monday. Although they are in contact it is not anywhere near the amount or volume as in the past. Don't know what that means if anything. I changed my phone back into my name so I have no clue what contact they have now. My H has been nothing but rude and mean to me since he didn't come home this last time. We never pulled the paperwork on our divorce and the 90 day waiting period is up on Sept. 13th. He is convinced we need to be divorced and denies ever talking to her again (even though he knows I could see the phone records). He is telling me the same things as he has before that his life is horrible, he is holding me back, will never make more money and he will never be happy. He accusses me of things and twists and turns facts. He doesn't live in the same reality as I do. Apparently I am to blame for it taking so long for the house not being on the market and pretty much everything else is my fault too. He doesn't understand why I haven't told my parents yet and seems to forget he was home for a month....everything is a blur to him and not the reality I live in.

Then this last friday he texted me about 8 messages in 20 minutes asking if I was alive, are we ever going to talk again, oh I get it, you hate me. I didn't respond so he called 10 times in a row until I answered. He sounded really down and it turns out that he was fired again.... He works in a hospital in two departments and he was fired from the ER dept. He missed a day (I presume he was chasing/texting the OW and couldn't be bothered with work). He claims his life is in a downward spiral and thinks he'll probably loose his job in the other department. I'm not sure why he is telling me this when days ago he told me he wants me to not be a part of his life. Earlier that day I filed a revocation of joinder. Meaning I don't agree with the papers signed earlier. The revocation of joinder states that he had me sign under durress and I didn't know fully what I was signing and could have given him all the power to divide debt/assets. He didn't give me copies of the papers. He also signed with the wrong date and we have not been separated for 90 days and I asked for counseling because I don't believe our marrige is broken. Lets just say the H was FURIOUS when he got this in the mail. He called and was so pissed and throwing accusations around that I'm trying to date while married and he has done nothing wrong and he didn't force me to sign. Actually he did threaten that if I didn't sign he would file and have me served at work. That sounds really embarassing and I don't really enjoy bringing home problems to work, so I signed. I told him 5 times why I filed the form and he wouldn't listen or hear what I was saying. The only thing he cared was he doesn't want the 90 days to start over and he just wants out...NOW. I wonder if he's panicked that the OW might not talk with him if he is still married? Since that day he has become less hostile. Just a little. He is still annoyed if I don't answer or respond to him in a matter of seconds and thinks that I am trying to ruin him and that I hired a lawyer. He said that if we have to start over the 90 days that he will take me to court and fight me until we are both out of money.

So our house is on the market and maybe we'll be divorced sooner or later? He asked me today if I would recall the paper I filed last week. He's worried the 90 days will start over or we will even have to refile all together and spend more money filing again. I asked him if his lawyer told him that this would happen and I didn't get a straight answer out of him. He is also not sure we can be divorced and own the house together. That's weird he told me before that we could. So now he doesn't know. WTF? He also wants me to fill out two court documents about our finances and I can stick him with all the debt if I want. He said he doesn't think its fair though considering he doesn't really have a job to be stuck with debt. Really? How is that my problem?

Long story I know. The drama just keeps coming. I still am talking with the therapist I found who has a really great way of explaining depression. He said that someone who is depressed believes two things. That their life is horrible and it will never get any better. Affairs and addictions are not uncommon for someone who is depressed. Not an excuse for his behavior. The therapist said he still isn't sure my H really wants a D. He thinks that my H sees me as a "mom" and he is almost like a rebelling child. He explained it like this.... children throw tantrums and do whatever they can to get your attention when something isn't right or is off. They might not know what is wrong they just know something is wrong and that Mom should fix it. I found this very very intersting.

Even if we are divorced I'm not sure I will fully be rid of him. Who knows how long we'll own the house. He's told me on more than one occassion I can have the house he'll sign it over. I've told him at least 10 times in the past that I can't keep it. Why would I spend money to refinance a house I can't afford unless I get a second job. He just doesn't get it.

So I am moving forward as best I can and feel like such an idiot for taking him back AGAIN. I've emailed with my H's aunt who says that in no way am I to blame for his behavior and wanting out. She is glad I am seeing a therapist as long as they don't place any blame on me. She told me that next time if there is a next time I need to tell him that I need proof he is seeing a doctor for treatment. I'm not sure I even want him to come back....actually who am I kidding I miss him like crazy (so does the dog).

I just want a simple life with as little drama as possible.