Where does the WAW go

[AJM]

Bitching? And not expressing a concern/need/requirement/want?

Ok, fair enough that I used those terms and likely did not make the point. What I'm conveying, in a not so eloquent way, is that he is complaining. I made light by calling it bitching, but in faireness that won't come across very well in print. I retract that word, if I may. But know it this way: men might express it as "my wife is bitching a lot about crazy crap" vs. saying that she is complaining all the time. In fact, I believe that was somthing talked about in several of the marriage books and Michelle's writings: bitch all the time and it is seen as tolerated and normal. No need to change becomes the belief.

Greek, I am floored that you would take talk of suicide so lightly. Is it control? I don't know. Is it expressing grief? I don't know. Is it serious when you hear it? Abso-friggin'-lutely!! Don't discount that conversation. Please. Having had a family member commit suicide, I feel it is a very sad thing to wait for it to be serious. And to think it's all about you (doodi) so he can control you? Can you be so sure? I can't. And for those reasons I disagree very strongly.

Doodi ~ when someone has his boot on your throat, you don't have to be patient, friend. You have to get the hell out of that hold and save your life. There. I said it.

Um yep. The question I have in my mind is if it is his boot on her throat or the ghosts boots. Or both. I cannot think from what was written that we know.

You are fighting FOR you. And he is not on board in that pursuit, so yeah - you are fighting him, too.

Why is that Greek? Why is he not on board? Could it be because he wasn't asked? Coudld it be because he doesn't see things the same way she does? Could it be because this is sooooo one-sided (from his perspective) because it wasn't communicated before? Could it, Greek? Or is this just that she is right and that is all there is to it? Does she have no responsibility in this but instead he has to change and bend to her wants only? I'm at a loss here Greek. 'Cause that is EXACTLY the mindset that would drive somebody away. In fact, it may be that it drove Doodi away and many of the other WAS' Could it be that way Greek?

So you just be a good girl and the M will get better. Pptooey! You've done that and your M has just gotten worse, Doodi.

Bullshit. You weren't a good girl. You were dishonest with yourself, were you not? I'm not picking, as it is better late then never, but pointing out the difference. You weren't honest about what you wanted. Not with yourself at any rate. And if not with you, how on God's green earth could you be with him. Is that fair? Is that being good? Bullshit Greek. Very one-sided and controlling IMHO too.

You have a God given right to be Doodi, and share her with whomever you freely choose.

. Yep. And didn't you? Or did that not mean anything if you had a past to deal with? Or if the two of you couldn't communicate your needs? Forever is forever or until I don't feel like it anymore? Hmm... Something might be amiss here...


Look Doodi. It is not about him directly. But it does affect him. And you. And your family. Every one of you is affected. I'm not advocating for you to go back to the way things were. Far from it. But I do advocate that you see the tough times through until you are 110% sure that you know you and will continue to know you and have dealt with your issues. The easy way out is to run away Doodi. To blame him for your problems and say that he is overbearing and spiteful and mean and... He may be those things. But is that your issue? Your only issue? Is that something that will or won't change? To find out will take time. Lots of it. And lots of work. And courage.

The be you/don't hide you comment? Know why we were able to agree on that? Because the real you hasn't shown up to the party yet (in your marriage or your life from the sounds of it). Think about that. As you start to change you, it is very normal (from my limited experience admittedly) that you will go from one extreme to the other when it comes to control, taking a stand, etc. Know what that looks like to people that care about you? While you do that, having the compassion to understand that people that care about you will think you've lost your marbles - all at once. But like a kid learning to ride a bike for the first time it will be awkward as you lurch down the street. Or like learning to drive a stick shift after driving an automatic for years. Bumpy and jerky and all over the place at first while you find your balance. Get the feel.

Or, Doodi, he will be like a lot of others who exhale and say, "Wow, dodged that bullet. She settled and signed on for another twenty. I'm a lucky man. Where's the remote."

Bitter much Greek? That's a chance you'll take with ANY man, Doodi. Not that you are interested in any right now. Eventually you will be. When you're ready to take a chance again. You have a lot invested in this one and may be able to make this realtionship work. You may not. See the note about time.

Be real, Doodi, and if there is damage, then own it. Forever is a long time to just keep the peace for everyone else's sake. How is that...good? and right? and healthy?

Earlier Greek spoke of God and how he made you. He also talked about how to treat one another and how to hold our tongues. I in no way suggest you don't own the damage you cause. I am however suggesting that you consider limiting that damage by being careful of what you say. Not that you shouldn't say some things that will hurt. That's not the same as wanton or otherwise reckless damage. A girl in your position? You could easily come to hate your husband. It's not a far leap from numb to hate since anger is a much easier emotion and when you're deprived of emotion, you'll do almost anything to get it back. Even if it's not correctly aimed.

The question that Greek keeps putting out there is if your husband has put a boot on your throat or not. I am reading that is not the case. His changes? How he reacts to you? I completely believe that when he sees you happy and whole, he will be thankful at some point you made the changes and the real Doodi came to the marriage/relationship. It may not be immediately recognized that way. It may not be while you two are still married or for many years. But if he loves you, and I suspect he does based on what you say, he will want you to be happy and whole and will be glad when he sees you are. Men really are wired that way, Doodi. Many are.

Time? Forever? Hmmm. I see that term thrown around and it has an air of desparation to it. This is not a hallmark life. This is real. Live it like you mean it, certainly, but you need to figure out what that means to you, Doodi. Nobody else. You don't have to pander because you think it will make others happy. You never did. But there are things you do in a relationship that are called compromise. Figure out what that means to you and what things are not acceptable. Some of them are not and you set boundaries for those. And enforce them.

Don't expect your husband to change. It will happen, but not on your timeline. Would you want him if he did it because of you? I think you already answered that and realize no, you wouldn't.

Be calm, Doodi. Be methodical. Identify your problems and issues and deal with them one at a time. I mean really deal with them and put them to bed forever. Never to be able to haunt you again. Make your peace with your past before it takes over and devours your future. Make no mistake, walking away is not going to be as easy as some make it sound. You'll change the game certainly. But your issues will remain. Deal with the issues before you decide to walk away. Completely. That's my $0.04 worth.