Where does the WAW go

[AJM]

Yeah, WAW is sometimes a blame game term. Does it fit? Hmm.. sometimes. But I don't think you are a WAW. I think you have issues. I think Kalni hit it on the head - you have to figure you out. You could not continue tolerating the behavior you have received and you required change - you created a crisis to do effect that change.

Agree with him. "You are right I don't do a good job of shopping and cooking, now is a good time for you to take that over. While we are at it, I think you would be better at handling the finances as well. Here's the checkbook and all the bills." I'm not kidding agree with him and let him do it.

That was my first thought as well. It fits that you need the room and freedom and if he wants it done differently than by all means, go for it. If he was a woman, I would say he was just bitching though....

The threats of suicide? That is serious. And I'm sure he feels it. It's an expression of his pain. "I'd rather die than live with this pain." But the pain is the catalyst and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Just note that he may need professional help and you may have to insist if he threatens it again. It is serious.

Doodi. I see a change in your perspective. I applaud your openness. I cheer your willingness to figure this out. I'm saddened by the difficult past that is haunting you but cheered by your desire to be different and not let it define you. I know that is not easy. It is very much not easy. And to keep your husband at arms length while you figure things out? Exhausting. I think you see that and have expressed that in your desire to work on things separately. It is tiring. But you are on the path to change and you need to work through it. Not take a short cut. Not get so impatient you just say F* it and leave. Believe me, the times will come where you think that is the best option and you'll be happy with the decision forever. Forever is something you both said before though. Forever may not be as long as you think. So please, stick with it. It may turn out in the end that you both go your separate ways. I don't discount that. But just be sure you have gone the distance and worked on all of it prior if that's how it goes. The potential is huge but the cost is patience and determination. I think you have those both and the steel to handle your issues head on.

Dealing with old issues? Not fun. But it sounds like overdue. Dealing with his issues? I think you'll find that when you set your old baggage aside for good, things will look very different. I think he will be thankful after the pain is past.

Something that occurred to me. Don't be unreal. By that I mean learn to keep your tongue (wisdom) but also learn to balance that by being yourself. Don't hide you.

The comment about men being dogs? That's simplistic. We are not. But people are simple in that they respond to positive reinforcement. Most people anyway. It's how we teach children. It's how we are taught to learn. By all means, reward him for positive behavior.

Do you have a lot to give? Kalni was right, likely not. You are fighting you here. Not really fighting him from what I can see in your posts. You want him to change, certainly. But what woman doesn't. But I think most of the big issues are really with you and you need to deal with them. The changes will reflect in your relationship with your husband. And you will be changing you and your relationship at the same time. That's ok. He doesn't know it yet, but he'll change at the same time. He won't be able to help that. And it sounds like he needs some changes. I'm guessing he'll be like a lot of others if he sticks it out and like the changes AFTER they are done.

Be patient with you, Doodi. Since this is likely not just about him, I see this as something that will take a lot of time to unravel the Christmas lights. We may have to rename you "Rusty"

Keep swimming Rusty. Keep asking the questions. Keep being real while trying not to do more damage than necessary.