Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Vacation was supposed to help clear my mind. It didn't work, I'm still as muddled as ever.

I find myself wondering now why I'm clinging so tightly to my marriage and to H. I know the marriage was flawed, I know there are things I could have and should have done differently, just as there are things H could have and should have done differently. But I desperately miss the companionship, I miss the love we had. We weren't just husband and wife, we were best friends. But oddly enough even though we were best friends I still wasn't comfortable sharing everything with him. I still was uncomfortable talking to him about our problems. Maybe because when I did try to talk he would get mad and blame it all on me then storm off and pout, giving me the silent treatment until he got over his snit? Who knows, but our communication was sorely lacking.

I feel so strongly that H will be coming back to me. But I don't know if it's God giving me that peace, or that I want it so desperately I've tricked myself into believing it. But either way I feel deep in my bones that H is going to return, and can face each day believing that it is one day closer to his homecoming. I still have trouble thinking of the future and not having H be a significant part of it. I can't accept the reality that this is my life, and probably will be for a long time. It fricking sucks.

I know that it will be a long, hard road if he does choose to come back. There will be the whore and it to deal with, as well as the problems that led to the separation in the first place. I know I need to get over my fear of talking to people about problems I have with them, that it's ok if I get someone mad at me. Just because they're mad doesn't mean they're going to leave, which is how I always felt with H. If I made him mad enough he would leave me. Well guess what, he did anyway. But while I own my share of the problems we had, he won't.

So I'll continue to pray for strength and patience and wisdom with how to handle situations as they arise. And hopefully some day I won't end up a bitter, cynical old hag.

[courageous wife]

So I'll continue to pray for strength and patience and wisdom with how to handle situations as they arise.

Praying for strength is good but I have been warned to not pray for patience! Pray for endurance instead...

Sounds like you are doing a lot of thinking and processing! I could have written everything you wrote...thought about it all!

[newmama]

I know the marriage was flawed, I know there are things I could have and should have done differently, just as there are things H could have and should have done differently. But I desperately miss the companionship, I miss the love we had. We weren't just husband and wife, we were best friends. But oddly enough even though we were best friends I still wasn't comfortable sharing everything with him. I still was uncomfortable talking to him about our problems. Maybe because when I did try to talk he would get mad and blame it all on me then storm off and pout, giving me the silent treatment until he got over his snit?

I bolded these statements because
1) good for you for also acknowledging your H could have done things differently. You had faults, SO DID HE!

2)I have noticed most all of us on DB forum are conflict avoidant. Of course, this could be most of the population of the USA but it is highly evident here on DB forum!(our spouses, too!)

Yes it would be a LOT of work, But something you haven't done yet is to move on. To say "screw it- I need to take care of myself and I KNOW his relationship with her won't end in happily ever after! So I can bide my time blocking that out, not even worrying too much about him, and just kind of live in another dimension/path while he works this out"

divorce takes a long time So just because it gets filed doesn't mean it will be completed.

[Mystik]

Had a dream about H last night. In my dream he was hugging me, and I was hugging him back then remembered he was with Whore so I pushed him away and said, "You're seeing someone else. I'm going" and walked away. H ran after me and asked if I was separating from him. I said yes and tried to leave again, and he followed me into the bathroom saying he didn't want me to go and we ended up having sex in a bathroom stall. Crazy.

[Mystik]

Today was DS's first day of school. H got him after school and took him to a Dunkin Donuts. H had gotten confused on what was going on after school so he told me that we need to work on communication. I bit my tongue to stop from replying that if we had worked on it before we'd never have separated. But I was good and didn't say anything.

I met them at DD's and H said there were forms and papers in DS's backpack I had to read and sign, he would have started but he didn't have a pen. Then he said he wanted to add Whore to the list of people who can pick up Brian in an emergency. Hell no! is what I thought. But instead I told him I was not comfortable with her picking up DS. He said that last school year there was a couple times it would have been more convenient for her to pick up DS since she was already in the area. I said that if he was unable to get DS then I would get him. He replied that it wasn't that he couldn't get DS, just that it would have been easier for her to. I just looked at him, didn't say anything. So he then said he would just have to send in a note saying she could get him then. I didn't say anything, just put DS in the car, let H say good-bye and then left.

H tried teasing me, but I ignored it. When we lived near the city DD's was in I used one road a lot to get to and from work, so he would joke that it was my favorite road. He asked how close I was and I named the road I was on, which was the same road. So he texted back, "That is your favorite road. :P" I just deleted it, didn't acknowledge it at all.

[Mystik]

CW ~ I'll have to make that change in my prayers. Endurance, God knows I sure could use some.

NM ~ Don't get me wrong, I still feel that most of the blame lies on me but am starting to get that not all of it does. Being conflict avoidant is a recurring theme in marriages that fall apart, probably because that means you ignore any problems rather than try to resolve them.

I know I haven't moved on yet. I know I need to. But I'm just not there yet, emotionally.

[Mystik]

As the due date comes closer, I find that I'm thinking more about it. I wonder how selfish Whore must be to deliberately trick another woman's husband into staying with her by getting pregnant. How can a woman that selfish actually love any baby who was merely a means to an end? How can a woman that selfish actually love anyone, really?

And it tears me apart inside that H took something that was special, just between him and I and gave it to someone else. Creating a child. When he married me he vowed to forsake all others, and he broke his vows. I so desperately wanted a second child with him. And he refused to have one, said he was done having kids, that DS was it. Well, so much for that.

I don't want to even know that it exists, I don't want to know when it's born, what its name is. Nothing. I'm perfectly content to ignore it, though I know that DS will inevitably talk about it now and then like he talks about Whore's other brat.

I will warn you all now that come November I may have another breakdown.

[Mystik]

Have been dark since Wednesday night. Then today H texted me to ask "Does DS act like he misses me at all?" I haven't answered yet, not sure what to say. I want to ask him why does it matter, it's not going to change anything is it? Do I tell him the truth and say that DS does make a comment about missing him every now and then, but honestly the instances are very few and far between. I can't remember the last time he said he missed his father. So do I fudge the truth and say sometimes? I'm not sure how to handle it.

[TimeHeals]

Don't overthink it.

"Sometimes".

If you don't like the chit chat and need to heal, then just tell him, "Look, we're not going to be friends. We can be civil, but I don't really appreciate you texting me all of the time like we are buddies or something".

[Mystik]

Thanks TimeHeals. I was overthinking it. I simply put "Sometimes" and sent it. Hoping that he isn't too dense and can figure out from how distant I am when around him that we're not friends. But if he doesn't get it then yes, I'll have to tell him outright.