I dont know about you guys, but when I got in my mess, I was naive. I had limited knowledge about how things should be "working" and I was mostly running on emotions. What I am trying to say -and I am not trying to justify or excuse anyone- is that in situations like this, when the one party initiates change, people tend to act based on what they know. And for most of us here for example, what we knew as status quo, wasnt very successful. So, Doodi, your husband reacts with emotion. He uses everything he knows that thinks worked in the past, he is panicking and rides his own cruel rollercoaster. It takes months on these boards and some very "experienced" veterans giving 2x4s for many LBSs to finally manage self control and quit trying to control the WAS. Your husband is no different. You probably feel he deserves this, "he created this situation" and I cant and dont care to defend him. Still as a former LBS I am telling you limbo is the next most difficult thing after piecing (after infidelity) as far as I am concerned.
I feel for your husband. You definitely run the show, you have control, things have shifted and he is supposed to go from 1 to 100 quickly or ...
Blame and guilt. Such a huge topic. I have my own guilt ghosts, I try to face the ghosts I am responsible for, not the ones I was "trained" to believe were mine.
the problem is how he thinks our M should be. Make sense
yes, and if isn't to his liking then you pay.
How's that working?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have been in something very similar to your sitch. The verbal/game playing/threats, manipulations, making you feel bad if you even talk to a friend. It is NOT cool. I feel for you. The good thing is that your H has ID'ed what he has done wrong. Sometimes just acknowledging where one is at fault is major.
The book I was referring to is titled "Boundaries in Marriage." If you don't have time for the bookstore you could always see if your local library has it (they probably do).
So, Doodi, your husband reacts with emotion. He uses everything he knows that thinks worked in the past, he is panicking and rides his own cruel rollercoaster. It takes months on these boards and some very "experienced" veterans giving 2x4s for many LBSs to finally manage self control and quit trying to control the WAS. Your husband is no different.
I think that is very similiar to what AJ is pointing out. The best thing to do is model healthy behavior to change the dynamics of the realtionship.
Boundaries would be a great place to start. Sounds like you both need a lesson in it and you are here so you get the homework. Validation would be another healthy behavior to model, your H is clueless on acknowledging others feelings.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
@Kalni--I understand most of what you're saying. But one thing that is NOT me or in my sitch is my feeling he 'deserves' this. I won't say that I defend his actions but I have accepted them...or at least some of them.
I am also starting to separate from the title WAW. There are a lot of stereotypical traits that a WAW has that I don't...mostly the negatives. I haven't left home, I am not have an EA/PA, and I've not rewritten history just exposed it. I don't know what my classification should be but I'm really starting to wonder if I'm a true WAW.
@Soleil--Thanks for the recommendations. I can guarantee there not at any bookstore, wait there's only one, here so I'll be hitting the net looking for it.
I agree that it's a big deal that H acknowledges his issue. Now I wait/hope for him to start his own growth.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
@Coach--This is a question that I think only you can answer. Then again, my brain is warped recently so I might be off. I believe your Greek is your other half. Right? If so, it came out that we are similar situations in regards to Love Languages. That said, what advise could you give me in regards to giving the love my H needs (physical touch) if I'm not ready for the kissing/ML?
I've tried to do some things but it's not enough. Do I do what he needs even if I don't feel it just because it will make him feel better? Seems simple to some to say ILY, give kisses, etc. but in my sitch it shows that I'm ok and that our M is mending (HIS WORDS) and I'm so far from ok.
TIA, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
Doodi... hint, hint --the library is an awesome place with lots of these books, too. LOL.
I'll check there first...but I don't hold out much hope. I live on one of the smaller bases with less resources. But I'll do whatever I need to do and spending $20 isn't an issue.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
@Coach--This is a question that I think only you can answer. Then again, my brain is warped recently so I might be off. I believe your Greek is your other half. Right? If so, it came out that we are similar situations in regards to Love Languages. That said, what advise could you give me in regards to giving the love my H needs (physical touch) if I'm not ready for the kissing/ML?
I've tried to do some things but it's not enough. Do I do what he needs even if I don't feel it just because it will make him feel better? Seems simple to some to say ILY, give kisses, etc. but in my sitch it shows that I'm ok and that our M is mending (HIS WORDS) and I'm so far from ok.
TIA, Doodi
Reward good behavior. Train him (men are dogs.) If he does something you appreciate let him know and maybe give some affection. Only do what you are comfortable doing. Be very clear also when he crosses a boundary. Simple rule - It's your responsiblity to bring something up if it is bothering you.
Yes, the Greek is my partner in so many ways.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Doodi, I dont care what the title is. I was called a WAW here by friensd before. I dont care. We are all persons going through troubled times. And when I said "deserved", I didnt really think you thought this way, I dont read it in your posts, I do read numbness and lack of empathy which I think someone once mentioned. But it is understandble, you cant feel very empathetic for another when you are still "fighting for and with" yourself. I used deserved poorly I suppose, but meant you seem to distance yourself from his hurt. K
My favourite book is Passionate Marriage. You just hit critical mass, facing and creating dillemmas and are up against marital sadism... Until you know exactly, are perfectly clear inside what are your absolute necessary requirements that you wont live without, your H wont be able to "deliver"... LOL, I just LOVE this Schnarch guy...
LOL.