was talking to someone last night and I posed the question to them that she still has a piece of my heart and I want it back from her, but I can't get it. Sooooo, if I can't get it how could I ever give all of me to someone else eventually???
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missherlove - I was JUST talking to my Counselor Tuesday about this. I did some major soul searching on WHY I am so terrified to let go if I have to. It is because I have loved my H for 20 years and I am scared that if we got a divorce I wouldn't be able to love him anymore. I mean, who loves their x? But I really believe that I can still love him - AND have room to love someone else too. It is like how we love our kids...your heart just gets bigger with each one you have. After the birth of your first child, you think...How could I love anyone as much as I love this person? and then number 2 comes along and you find you love that child just as much. Does that make sense?
But I know that I am a very loving person and want to be loved in return - so if my H and I don't make it, I think I would be able to love again because I know what real love is and how it feels to be in a R when two people love each other, and I would not want to go the rest of my life without it.
We all love our S DEEPLY...that is why we are here standing for our marriages. and we may not ever love anyone the same agian, but I think that is okay. Doesn't mean we can't be happy and love again. It would just be different.
Do I sound crazy for thinking like this?
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
and we may not ever love anyone the same agian, but I think that is okay. Doesn't mean we can't be happy and love again. It would just be different.
Do I sound crazy for thinking like this?
TAM,
I don't know if you realize the wisdom in what you jsut said up there.
and we may not ever love anyone the same agian
I hope I never love anyone the "WAY" (in the manner of) that I loved my W before.
I know this is not what you meant, I think you meant you may not love another person as much????
The more important thing here is "HOW" or the "WAY" we love the person we are in a R with next. Whether it is our spouses or someone else.
When I "Love" (verb) again it will be unconditionally.....meaning without expectation of anything in return. I will show my Love daily even if I am not getting the Love I desire in return. This is the internal work that needs to be done, it takes time.
Can I love again and be happy???? absolutely.
Just don't know when or with whom.....meanwhile I am learning to love myself and be happy with me.
You really hit the nail on the head and
you may be crazy....
Crazy like a Fox...
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I hope I never love anyone the "WAY" (in the manner of) that I loved my W before.
Ditto. The way...
Sorry for the hijack...but I for one do not want to love another person the WAY i loved my wife.
The way was flawed. It was conditional. It lacked respect. It lacked many things. Why.....
Quote:
I am learning to love myself and be happy with me.
because many of us never learned this^^^^
God Bless, Eric
Last edited by ericmsant2; 09/13/1004:29 PM.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Wanted to get my thoughts down after some very thought provoking posts to my thread last week.
I have been reading the last 3 pages of posts over and over again and I have been thinking and trying to sort out things before I posted.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
This is more about that fact that you finally realize that this really is your choice.....and that scares you.
That you have that freedom. It is a scary place to be in...
Your choice really doesn't have to be one or another right now....
This ^^^^^up here I know....in my head and sometime during the last 2 or 3 weeks I felt it and hell yes it scared me. I considered filing my self, I downloaded the forms, found out the particulars and I thought about it.
Thought about it long enough and thought I was far enough along that I could initiate a R talk because I didn't care what happened as a result. I thought "well if I'm done, it doesn't matter if the R talk pushes her further away, so fine I have the talk".
Thinking that I might as well ask her where she is at, just in case, she has completely changed her mind and she just has not let me know....LOL. Can't believe I have been at this for over a year and just now realized that if she changed her mind I pretty much will be the first one to know....DUH!!!!
Then this.....VVVVVVVVV down here......
Originally Posted By: beingreal
You said you were wondering if you were really done, wondering when you would be done. You know it was temp taking, but I have to wonder who's temp you were taking?
Breal, Thank you for putting this into perspective, this is really what I was doing upon reflection......
So what is my temperature??? Done.....Not Done????
I have been pondering that over the weekend.....
Then I realized I don't have to do anything.....soooooo, it does not matter right now........
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Let her go and just BE. Be you for awhile.
This is what I need to do.
But while I was taking my temperature I forgot to watch out for the other thing and that one is called.....
LBS Cycling......... I ran back into the prison and started looking around and I am working on walking back out again. I don’t view this as a negative event, I am just letting things come and go and right now I know for a fact that I am not done, probably not even close which is a change from about a week or 2 ago. I am not in pain just sort of a state of limbo as far as my marriage goes.
How to describe it????? A couple of weeks ago I was leaning towards not wanting my marriage and this week I am leaning towards wanting it. I know I am free to do whatever I want and therefore I choose nothing because I don’t have to make a choice right now.
I still wrestle with how to treat my W…..I started being a little more friendly to her last week and I think that got me back where I am now. Over the weekend I came in with my D13 from her soccer game and my W was at the house hanging out with our S10 b/c I was gone for 4-5 hours at the soccer game.
When I came in my W did not rush off in fact she sat there for a while totally relaxed and we chit chatted. It was 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon so I grabbed a couple of beers and offered her one and she said sure. I went out on the patio and asked her if she wanted to come out and sit and she did. We sat there and talked and enjoyed a beer for 30 minutes. Nothing serious we just talked about the kids mostly and some other things, we were at ease and I think we would could have sat there for an hour or two the rest of the afternoon and into the evening.
As I was sitting there talking to her and watching her I was thinking to myself, “Why is it that we can do this but we can’t get the rest of the relationship back in the road?” And that is when I started to cycle back a little to wanting my marriage. Nothing else happened, my S10 decided he wanted to spend the night with her so I said fine no problem and my D13 went to a friend’s to spend the night so I was free to do what I wanted for the evening. I ended up going to a local sports bar with my best friend and watching some college ball and grabbing a bite to eat and it was a good time.
I think I will move towards the prison gates again but maybe a little slower this time. I really want to be able to try to be friendly with my wife and let go completely at the same time. When I was business like and indifferent I felt myself move quickly and I got scared and started to question my feelings.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Yes, You still love her, and you always will Swiss....
Just the way it is.....
This I know and I think I am going to stop trying to figure out how to stop it and just accept it. I think that the freedom I need to “feel” needs to come to me while I am being me and being me is being more than indifferent to my W. I don’t know if I can be her “friend” in divorce, I have always said that I would not but maybe I can be friendly……if nothing else it is easier on me.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
A good friend of mine who shall remain nameless wanted me to pass along a message to you. So here goes....
"You can be done today, or not be done today, AND you can change YOUR mind tomorrow. Tomorrow MIGHT be different than today. The future is NOT set in stone (that we can see), if it was, none of us would have been in DB."
Think about this....
Here are my comments FWIW....
Quote:
I started being a little more friendly to her last week
Why wouldn't any of us be nice? I think as a rule of thumb we should treat people (and that would be anyone) that way WE want to be treated.
Quote:
I don’t know if I can be her “friend” in divorce, I have always said that I would not but maybe I can be friendly……if nothing else it is easier on me.
Why not stop trying to figure out how you will feel when this or that happens and just live life as Missher...the man we know...the man who.....
LOVE HIS RINGS (sorry dude I could not help it)
I feel ya bud...feel ya.
Think about what my friend said.
Is it not true that WE the LBS MAKE (not have a choice) the choices in our life! One of those choice COULD very well be to change OUR mind. It is....our life is it not. So Missher...you can be done today and not tomorrow. Either way...does it change WHO YOU ARE - NO!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"You can be done today, or not be done today, AND you can change YOUR mind tomorrow. Tomorrow MIGHT be different than today. The future is NOT set in stone (that we can see), if it was, none of us would have been in DB."
Thank you. Maybe I needed the reminder. (Guess it goes to show that it's not just a woman's perogative to change her mind!)
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Why not stop trying to figure out how you will feel when this or that happens and just live life
Amen brotha!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
