What was the outcome? Did she change? Is she loving towards you now?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
@ Coach--I am taking responsibility for what I caused. Just because he doesn't do it for me doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. I did cause him pain and I won't pretend I didn't or that he should just deal.
Examples: The guilt is the easiest to explain, pretty much everything is my fault. It's my fault he isn't at a lower weight because I grocery shop and cook. It's my fault that we can't take a trip or do something because I'm the one who keeps the finances and knows what we can afford to spend or not spend. It's my fault the kids get anxious when I'm not around. It's my fault that we don't talk. Just to name a few.
The games are more manipulations. You'd do this if you love me, type things. Threatening suicide.
The attacks are more of the verbal crap. He'll pick arguments over the stupidest things. He's gotten pissed over things like if I want to go to bed early or late, if I take an long bath, me forgiving a friend after an argument, not answering emails or answering the phone, having an online friend (female that I met on a book site) and on and on. Sometimes it's not at me but screaming, slamming things, and cursing for simple mess ups.
@Pinhead I understand that I might be the one to initiate the need to look at himself, but I really want him to decide what changes he feels he needs to make. I believe that his motivation needs to come from him not from me.
@AJM--I haven't demanded that he change. I have pointed out things that he does that I can't handle...what he does about them is up to him. And I haven't put a time limit on anything, I know this is going to take time.
I read it 5 love languages awhile ago. I know we are polar opposites in our language and I know what he needs. I don't recall how to communicate better with him in his language. I guess I'll be reading it again.
And no I don't think he wakes up and says he is going to hurt me. But I cannot continue to be his verbal punching bag just because he's having a bad day.
Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
What was the outcome? Did she change? Is she loving towards you now?
No not more loving. She just told me I wasn't worth her time anymore. I had reached a point physically that if I fought back I could possible hurt her. From that point, it was more verbal crap.
Of course, after every beating she always said "I did this because I love you." I didn't get it daily and I know there are people who had a harder life than me but it was far from ok. I really believe that my mom is bipolar or manic. Kind one second and Pissed beyond belief the next.
Last edited by Doodi; 09/10/1008:52 PM.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
What was the outcome? Did she change? Is she loving towards you now?
No not more loving. She just told me I wasn't worth her time anymore. I had reached a point physically that if I fought back I could possible hurt her. From that point, it was more verbal crap.
So you standing up to the physical abuse just switched her moving to verbal abuse. Do you have a relationship with your Mom now?
You know how she treated you wasn't your fault. I have experienced very simliar issues. You have to love yourself. You know that gut feeling you have, it's your core being telling you that things aren't right. Don't look for your H to give you what you need. You give yourself what you need. This is your journey to take. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The games are more manipulations. You'd do this if you love me, type things. Threatening suicide.
He threatened this? Or you did?
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I haven't demanded that he change
Of course you did. Your earlier posts were full of controlling stuff.
Your mom was a piece of work
And no, you should not continue to be his verbal punching bag. I'm guessing that now things are changing. That's one of them. He'll need to learn a different way to deal with his issues, right?
And for the record, you already know this, none of that was your fault. It is possible that he was verbalizing his frustration incorrectly, and that may be an area he needs to work on. When he says, "you bought the groceries and that's why I'm overweight" == "I can't control my own eating habits and I'm frustrated" He will have to work on those things I'm sure. And he will, with or without you. He's motivated for that now and has no choice but to face them or run away. He can choose the latter, but I doubt he will at this point. That doesn't mean he knows what his changes need to be though, which is why it takes a lot of time.
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doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do
Right? Hmmm....
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
He has threatened suicide a few times since this all started.
As for the controlling stuff, I'm learning and growing. I try to vent on here so I can make better choices in the real world. I have really tried to steer away from putting any expectations on him.
My mom, I'm still working on that. I have never addressed my feelings about my childhood at all with her. Honestly we barely talk. Up until my first revelation in therapy over a year ago, I still pretended and did all the things expected of a daughter. Ok maybe not all the things. I've compared my relationship to my mother to that of a secretary that absolutely despises her boss but must be nice to keep her job--I make calls on all the important days and I bring the kids to visit once a year...normally only for dinner in a restaurant.
As for things being my fault, still working on that. I have been blamed for things going back as far as my Grandmother's divorce and I wasn't even born. Every bad thing that has ever happened can be pinned on me. I can look at it logically and say I get that it's not my fault, but deep down inside and on bad days it still haunts me.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
You'd do this if you love me, type things. Threatening suicide.
emotional blackmail
threatening suicide is mental abuse
next time he says it tell him you are going to tell his commander.
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The guilt is the easiest to explain, pretty much everything is my fault. It's my fault he isn't at a lower weight because I grocery shop and cook. It's my fault that we can't take a trip or do something because I'm the one who keeps the finances and knows what we can afford to spend or not spend. It's my fault the kids get anxious when I'm not around. It's my fault that we don't talk. Just to name a few.
Agree with him. "You are right I don't do a good job of shopping and cooking, now is a good time for you to take that over. While we are at it, I think you would be better at handling the finances as well. Here's the checkbook and all the bills." I'm not kidding agree with him and let him do it.
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The attacks are more of the verbal crap. He'll pick arguments over the stupidest things. He's gotten pissed over things like if I want to go to bed early or late, if I take an long bath, me forgiving a friend after an argument, not answering emails or answering the phone, having an online friend (female that I met on a book site) and on and on. Sometimes it's not at me but screaming, slamming things, and cursing for simple mess ups.
Controlling behavior.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Why is it when you live it you don't see it clearly...when you right it down there's no denying it. People tend to think I'm exaggerating, which makes me question everything, because the things that are done seem so simple and insignificant. But all together, they are overwhelming. It's not ok.
The more I talk/post the more I see. I just haven't had a direction to look and with ya'lls (love my country talk) help, I'm learning.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
What do you think the community here would tell you to do if he was the WAS? We wouldn't advise act nice, accomodate him and wait for him to change. We would advise you to detach, set boundaries, GAL, take care of yourself, don't pursue, love your kids, do 180s and prepare for either outcome. The vets would strongly advise to "let him go." Let him decide to be in the marriage.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
