Bustorama-Thread 1

[Steve McQueen]

Tell it to me like a 3rd grader.

A visit to the farm market, the produce section, health food store. When she regains movement in her arms, a physical activity, tennis, or a martial arts school that has a family program, swimming at the Y.

Break the cycle.

Insecurities, inadequacy, negative and unhealthy emotions. Control.

I used to complain when she would bake desserts and harp on her about it -- that "she" was making me fat and criticize her for baking so much. This was dumb of me in so many ways because she loves to bake as a way to stress relief for herself, because I could control myself (rather than her), and because the foods she makes are gestures of affection for us and the kids.

Codependent relationship?

[bustorama]

I told her yeah I would feel depressed too if I was experiencing those same frustrations. Then I told her I hoped she felt better and I would see her tomorrow at our family party for D5's birthday and ended the convo. Tried to empathize, but not play the rescuer role. Is that more what she needs from me???

YES.

Are you saying you DIDN'T go over and take the trash out for her? What about going with her to her dr's appt.??

I'm a little confused.

Puppy

Right, no trash and didn't commit to doctor's appointment one way or other (it's at 4 pm today, and I had said I wasn't sure if I would go) and then she immediately launched into all the other ways she felt bad. She was listing her 'feel bads' so fast from the start of the convo I barely had time to say ANYTHING other than my empathizing at end and then getting off phone.

I am torn about the doctor's appointment because I WOULD like to hear from the doctor where HE thinks she should be in her recovery and is medically capable of doing. Thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am torn about the doctor's appointment because I WOULD like to hear from the doctor where HE thinks she should be in her recovery and is medically capable of doing. Thoughts?

Then go. When it suits YOUR needs, then do it. And if it coincides with a "Right Thing to Do," all the better.

I think medical appts. are an exception to "pursuing"/"rescuing," generally anyway.

Puppy

[bustorama]

Tell it to me like a 3rd grader.

A visit to the farm market, the produce section, health food store. When she regains movement in her arms, a physical activity, tennis, or a martial arts school that has a family program, swimming at the Y.

[/quote]

Do you mean these activities literally or figuratively? That *I* invite her to farmer's market and to physical activities?

I've been wanting to do that for awhile -- invite her to tennis, golf, spin classes, because they are things we both enjoy, and she is an athletic girl at her core, but the surgery is in the way. Isn't that pursuit though????

There is a farmer's market near us that she loves but hasn't gone to in ages. She always is so excited after she goes there with the cool fresh stuff she finds. Are you suggesting I invite her to that???

Or are you suggesting these things figuratively as representing a different relationship dynamic?

[bustorama]

Thinking about this a bit more, do you mean generally that the unhealthy thing going on is us doing "nice" things covertly for each other in terms of hoping to manipulate the other person's emotions towards us instead of being overt about inviting the other person to participate in together time with us in something we both enjoy doing (together)?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thinking about this a bit more, do you mean generally that the unhealthy thing going on is us doing "nice" things covertly for each other in terms of hoping to manipulate the other person's emotions towards us instead of being overt about inviting the other person to participate in together time with us in something we both enjoy doing (together)?

Not sure to whom you're directing that question, Busto, but no, that's not what I'm trying to convey. The distinctions I'm trying to make are more of AMPLITUDE than of CONTENT. Just to "go slow" and not "go all melty man" on her, as that tends to scare them off.

SLOW and STEADY.

Puppy

[bustorama]

OK, thanks Puppy.

Today, I sent my W 3 dozen flowers and some chocolates and got a mariachi band to go to her work and sing her Candela and I am filing her toenails at her lunch hour and brought her some sushi I rolled for her. Then I texted her a few times and when she didn't respond I called her and cried some and told her FROM MY HEART that I had changed. I e-mailed her a list of 500 doctors and massage therapists she could look into for herself and told her I could drive her to any appointments. I offered to scrub her toilet (with a toothbrush like she likes) and said I didn't mind canceling my plans with my friends cause she was worth it. She patted me on the back and said she felt closer to me.

I'm a little tired, not sure why I feel dissatisfied. Maybe I should try harder. Let her know how I *REALLY* feel. That I will do *ANYTHING* for her.

Seriously, though, wrt Steve McQ's suggestions (farmer's market, joint workouts, etc. -- if I am reading them correctly), isn't me inviting her to come to ANYTHING that doesn't involve the kids/family experienced as pursuit??? I haven't invited her to ANYTHING I do without the kids since we've been separated.

[FaithnAK]

OK, thanks Puppy.

Today, I sent my W 3 dozen flowers and some chocolates and got a mariachi band to go to her work and sing her Candela and I am filing her toenails at her lunch hour and brought her some sushi I rolled for her. Then I texted her a few times and when she didn't respond I called her and cried some and told her FROM MY HEART that I had changed. I e-mailed her a list of 500 doctors and massage therapists she could look into for herself and told her I could drive her to any appointments. I offered to scrub her toilet (with a toothbrush like she likes) and said I didn't mind canceling my plans with my friends cause she was worth it. She patted me on the back and said she felt closer to me.

I'm a little tired, not sure why I feel dissatisfied. Maybe I should try harder. Let her know how I *REALLY* feel. That I will do *ANYTHING* for her.

Seriously, though, wrt Steve McQ's suggestions (farmer's market, joint workouts, etc. -- if I am reading them correctly), isn't me inviting her to come to ANYTHING that doesn't involve the kids/family experienced as pursuit??? I haven't invited her to ANYTHING I do without the kids since we've been separated.

LOL

[pinhead]

OK, thanks Puppy.

Today, I sent my W 3 dozen flowers and some chocolates and got a mariachi band to go to her work and sing her Candela and I am filing her toenails at her lunch hour and brought her some sushi I rolled for her. Then I texted her a few times and when she didn't respond I called her and cried some and told her FROM MY HEART that I had changed. I e-mailed her a list of 500 doctors and massage therapists she could look into for herself and told her I could drive her to any appointments. I offered to scrub her toilet (with a toothbrush like she likes) and said I didn't mind canceling my plans with my friends cause she was worth it. She patted me on the back and said she felt closer to me.

I'm a little tired, not sure why I feel dissatisfied. Maybe I should try harder. Let her know how I *REALLY* feel. That I will do *ANYTHING* for her.

Seriously, though, wrt Steve McQ's suggestions (farmer's market, joint workouts, etc. -- if I am reading them correctly), isn't me inviting her to come to ANYTHING that doesn't involve the kids/family experienced as pursuit??? I haven't invited her to ANYTHING I do without the kids since we've been separated.

I almost pissed myself. You sir, have the best sense of humor amongst all the forum denizens.

[pinhead]

Hey Busto, how you doing?