I think that all LBS's who do the work go on their own mid-life journey ... it's the gift we get from our MLCers ...
I know that no one can answer for me, I'm not looking for someone elses truth here, and I know what I think is right for me. The demon I'm battling is that I even consider the "should"s that are outside myself. That co-dependant, people-pleasing, approval seeking part of me.
I have been talking to an IC for a while, but you're right ... it's time to book another appointment
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Baby girl, you can have my sword. lol I warn you though, it's a heavy one.
I actually thought of this thread the other day at work when I walked by a grumpy female coworker & pinched her on the butt. It snapped her out of her bad mood & made the ER a little more tolerable for the following hour. But still...
Okay... back to your last post.
Asking yourself about the right to be done. About being afraid of reactions, about every other thing that has your heart in turmoil right now. Because trust me, I can completely understand just how much stress you've been under the past few weeks.
First things first--f$$k what anyone here thinks of your being done.
They don't walk in your shoes, they don't live your life, they don't pay your bills so who the f&^% cares what the f(*$ they think. (<~~notice no question mark at the end there. It is a statement, not a question.) I'm not quite sure how the MLC board became the end-all-be-all authority on personal relationships. Who died & decided that a small group of people would determine when we, as adult human beings, got to do things--like move on, be done, move forward... whatever you want to call it.
They can push you to dig deeper and they can challenge you to really look for the answers. BUT in the end, as long as you are being true to yourself, then it doesn't matter one tiny little bit what anyone here thinks. I think you've been pretty damn honest with yourself and everyone else here. Kudos to you for wanting to continue to live and learn in the spotlight of the boards so that others might learn from you.
You are a strong woman.
As for the rest of it... hell, did I mention I'm on drugs right now??? lol Legal Rx drugs, of course.... but hells belles...
The road that brought you here is just that... the road that brought you here. You don't have to try to explain any of it to anyone. Unless you are just thinking out loud while trying to figure it out yourself. Have at it, then. If you honestly wonder if you've earned the right to be done, or if you are questioning any of the choices you have made (which I don't think you are), then by all means throw the engine neutral & drop anchor here for a bit. Really look at everything that has happened and decide if you have done these things for all the right reasons.
Only you know that. Absolution can only come from you. Just like the understanding, strength & courage you've shown.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Pei - you may not be aware of this now, but one of the most fundamental gifts a marriage crisis gives us is the ability to grow out of all those old expectations.
I identify strongly with all that family of origin stuff.
It's 5 years now since my marriage went bust and in that time I've discovered who I am and I'm no longer afraid to be that amazing woman. She's a very different woman to the girl who married because 'that's-what-your-supposed-to-do', kept the house like my mother and worked like my father.
It's important for you to go through that thinking and make decisions about being "done" or not because it's what YOU want.
You know a funny thing has happened since I made the concious decision to be me and not worry about what my parents, xh, kids, friends, colleagues etc thought about me. The world opened up to me. I'm doing my dream job (working in community affairs for a large resource company in the Pacific Rim, flying in and out, v. glam, fullfilling -and making a mint!!), I've got the most fulfilling relationships I've ever had in my life, my parents, siblings and kids respect and are proud of me and my xh would give his right testicle to be part of my life (... it's never going to happen!!! I'm too good for him and I've got so many better options now!! giggle ;))
Keep with this girl. It's really important stuff.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
For me it is still faith in this process and that I know I am not the man I aspire to be yet.
Until that happens I am not a husband to my W or the other half of any other relationship.
Thank you for this....thank you.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Gives me something to think about... I know I'm not the woman I want to be--but I'm working on it. I'm confident enough to want to be able to share part of this journey with another person in an R, and strong enough to know that it will not change my growth or my journey if I don't.
I think a big clue (for me) was when I started to look at my future with excitement instead of dread. I keep saying it and I mean it... your life is going to be good whether you get the outcome you (think you) want or if it is the complete opposite of that vision.
I stopped dreading the future when I stopped being afraid of it. I stopped being afraid of it when I realized that I can control my life & that it didn't hinge on anyone else's decisions. All of the decisions that mattered belonged to me.
Of course it really helps being able to just roll with the punches. I miss Jack's quote, "Life is all about how you handle plan B". Ummm... yep. It sure is.
A control freak... who goes with the flow & knows she can only really control herself? Hmmm.... go figure.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
As a few of you already know, I have been experiencing a lot of inner turmoil. I’ve been struggling, and for some reason I’ve been hesitant to share that struggle. Maybe I didn’t want to seemingly contradict what I’ve been saying in my thread. Maybe I cared a little too much about the reaction I might get from some of you out there. Maybe a bit of both. But it’s not fair to you guys reading along and following my process trying to learn and draw strength from wherever you can, and it’s not fair to me either, so here I am.
Truth. Funny word really ... how many of us really thought we knew what it meant before we started our journeys. I bet most of us.
I'll tell ya this, one thing that I'm coming to really see is that on some level, I really did know at various points in my life that I was not being authentic. That I was not being true to my core. I couldn't have articulated it that way. I didn't know what it was, but I felt it ... as they say though ... hindsight is 20/20. I'm learning to recognize that feeling. Treat it like an alarm.
FTR I do not believe you are judging me, or have judged me. I'm battling the internal demon, the one who told me for the better part of 30 years that I was supposed to say what people wanted to hear and do what people wanted or expected me to do. That doesn't honor me or my truth. I get it now. I do. Now being the operative word there. For a long time I justified and rationalized it. Woe is me ... my needs can wait, let's do this because it's what I "should" do. Not any more. And I really feel this now ... so it surprised me when I dug in (ok, ok, was pushed in) and realized that this is what was creeping back into my behavior. Not my belief system but my behavior. Only a matter time before I would have bought into it too.
Originally Posted By: Grit
Did you know that you would gain the knowledge and understanding that you have today when you started here?
Nope. I wanted to desperately save my marriage because I had no idea who I was outside of it. I was terrified.
Fear.................. (nickle Mach)
I was that daughter for so long. Afraid daddy would never see ME. I was that little girl on the playground for so long. Afraid nobody would ever like ME. I was that teenager for so long. Afraid nobody would ever want ME. I was that wife for so long. Afraid that he might not love ME.
It hits me as I'm typing this out ... I never gave them ... ME.
Originally Posted By: Shel
I stopped dreading the future when I stopped being afraid of it.
Well put Shel. And so true. I am excited ... I am a compassionate, loving 35 yo woman. I am blessed. I have my health, I can support myself, I have three beautiful children, a great job, great friends, the best support system in the world, a family that loves me .... my life is truly wide open ... I am ready to explore it .... live each day one at a time.
I heard a quote today ...
If you are standing with one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you are pissing all over today.
Not the most eloquent quote, but spot on none the less!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Obviously you've been using my shovel....keep digging.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
