Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

@Pinhead--I've picked up our similarities as well. Painful as it is, it's also enlightening...at least for me.

I'm really trying to get option #1 to be a viable option. Although I honestly believe that it would be better to work on ourselves separately so that we don't derail each other, I really don't want to do that to my kids until it's a last resort.

I will admit that I do feel like I should go. As you know just about everyone in my life feels like I should go, I just really need to be able to say I gave it everything I have before I bail. And since I feel like I have something left-even if I'm hitting the bottom of the barrel--then I'll stay and fight.

@AJM--I appreciate input from all sides. I don't feel like I can make an educated, not emotional, choice in my life if I don't look at all the angles. So even if you and Coach (or anyone else) disagree, I appreciate you taking time from your life to try and help/guide me.

I have never hidden my other issues. I have quite a few. I know there are many people who have survived abusive households and blossomed. I'm not one of them. I can't begin to explain why but I am and have been working on that for years. It is a slow painful/draining process but I'm on it.

Although my primary focus is me and my issues, I do try to give the H what he needs. I know it might not be EVERYTHING that he wishes for but it's what I can give. I truly accept any decision he makes because he does have a choice to accept what I can give or not but right now some of the things he wants don't work with where I'm at in my personal journey.

As for whether his actions are abusive or not, I won't say. I will say that they are not REACTIONS to where we are, he has always acted the way he does now. In all honesty, he has reverted back to where he was before he started IC and yes I understand it's because of the nuclear bomb I dropped on his life. That's why I try to take what he dishes. I did make this bed and his outburst are what's in it...that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and that I won't cry.

As for the link you sent, I've read it and it's why I speak more of my issues than his. I don't think just because I admit that I have issues means he doesn't but I am not pointing the finger saying FIX THIS. He has to look into his own soul and figure out what, IF anything he thinks he needs to work on.

In regards to the marital issues, I am actually looking at them figuring how I would handle things if he DIDN'T change at all (worst case scenario). Not so much whether I'd leave or not, but how would I handle the games, guilt and attacks that come my way. I accept that my reactions to the situation can fuel or diffuse it and that's what I'm working towards figuring out.

I would like you to elaborate on your comment about being said vs. being communicated. TIA

@Soleil--What is the name of the book? I'm looking for all the help I can get.

Keep the conversations, advise, insight coming...I need all the help I can get.

Smooches,
Doodi