New Beginning

[PEI]

Truth. Funny word really ... how many of us really thought we knew what it meant before we started our journeys. I bet most of us.

I'll tell ya this, one thing that I'm coming to really see is that on some level, I really did know at various points in my life that I was not being authentic. That I was not being true to my core. I couldn't have articulated it that way. I didn't know what it was, but I felt it ... as they say though ... hindsight is 20/20. I'm learning to recognize that feeling. Treat it like an alarm.

FTR I do not believe you are judging me, or have judged me. I'm battling the internal demon, the one who told me for the better part of 30 years that I was supposed to say what people wanted to hear and do what people wanted or expected me to do. That doesn't honor me or my truth. I get it now. I do. Now being the operative word there. For a long time I justified and rationalized it. Woe is me ... my needs can wait, let's do this because it's what I "should" do. Not any more. And I really feel this now ... so it surprised me when I dug in (ok, ok, was pushed in) and realized that this is what was creeping back into my behavior. Not my belief system but my behavior. Only a matter time before I would have bought into it too.

Did you know that you would gain the knowledge and understanding that you have today when you started here?

Nope. I wanted to desperately save my marriage because I had no idea who I was outside of it. I was terrified.

Fear.................. (nickle Mach)

I was that daughter for so long.
Afraid daddy would never see ME.
I was that little girl on the playground for so long.
Afraid nobody would ever like ME.
I was that teenager for so long.
Afraid nobody would ever want ME.
I was that wife for so long.
Afraid that he might not love ME.

It hits me as I'm typing this out ... I never gave them ... ME.

I stopped dreading the future when I stopped being afraid of it.

Well put Shel. And so true. I am excited ... I am a compassionate, loving 35 yo woman. I am blessed. I have my health, I can support myself, I have three beautiful children, a great job, great friends, the best support system in the world, a family that loves me .... my life is truly wide open ... I am ready to explore it .... live each day one at a time.

I heard a quote today ...

If you are standing with one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you are pissing all over today.

Not the most eloquent quote, but spot on none the less!