Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

The man with the hard questions, AJM, is here. TIA. But here's some answers to some of the things you brought forward.

*Marine? Nope, Air Force...but still military. As for the coming at me, I would consider it his changing if it was new. But it's not. It's always been his MO to come at me, break me down and then apologize. I feel like I've been consistent with my thoughts and actions...but that is probably just my feelings. The randomness that you see here isn't what I show him.

*I agree that they pick up from both parents. But we both have some serious issues, I'm just willing to look at mine. H has many issues that he has been diagnosed with but feels he doesn't need to address. He has been diagnosed with manic depression, PTSD and anxiety. I can't force him to see that he can't fix these things on his own...I can only work on me.

*As for me feeling safe in the past. NOPE, I have never felt safe in this relationship. It has been bad from the beginning but it was the lesser of 2 evils at the time when I decided to get married. I know many will believe that I am rewriting the past but I am not. I could sit here and list the things that have been done and said over the years but to me that would be blame. I made my choices in the years past from a much more unhealthy state of mind but they were the I made the best choices I could with what I had. The facts are that the first 5 yrs we were married, I tried to leave at least once a year but had nowhere to go. Was I to insecure to stand on my own 2 feet--ABSOLUTELY, but my staying doesn't mean I was happy it means I was insecure and scared. After my kids were born, I focused on them and let my H do whatever he wanted. I just blended into the background. As long as I had the love of my kids I was ok. I didn't think about running as much when the kids were small but once he came back from IRAQ, it got so much worse and I thought about it alot. I always stayed because I thought it was better for the kids. Now I question my choice to stay and what it's done to my kids.

*If I was an outsider looking at me...I'd say go. Ironically, my H has even said he wouldn't have stayed with himself and put up with his BS as long as I did. This has been said repeatedly and not just in the heat of an argument. He has told me that everyone he has opened up to about our R has looked at him and asked what the F was he thinking, why does he do the things he does--Not my words, HIS. On the flip, I've been repeatedly asked why I put up with it.

*I think that my postings may seem like I'm coming up with different reasons depending on the day, but in actuality it is me putting more of my info out there. The things/reasons I've said are ALL true. I don't change things to fit scenerios.

*Lack of Love...something I question myself. Numb...ABSOLUTELY. You are right with me being "Out of touch with myself". Over a year ago I made the breakthrough with my therapists that I have NEVER done anything for myself. Everything I do is for the benefit of others. Co-dependent, sure. Have I really started working on me, YES. Thus where I'm at today.

*I recognize that leaving is permanent, that's why I won't make that decision until I'm sure I've cleared all MY cobwebs away.

I think I've covered most everything. I'm sure there is much more I could say but this is already way long. You know I love the mental stimulation from you questions so keep them coming. They help me clear the fog and check different angles.

Til next time,
Doodi