Where does the WAW go

[AJM]

Doodi. It's hard to have the focus right now. But please, simplify some of these issues and deal with them one at a time.

My H has been comfortable with a subservient wife and now I'm standing up for myself...that's tough on both of us.

He has admitted that when things start to go south, his first instinct is to destroy. He comes at me hard until I start to crumble and THEN he will listen.

Marine? Hmm.. The thing is that he has told you how he approaches things. Will the real Mr Doodi please step forward? What I mean by that is that the real you (which doesn't seem to be known to you at the moment - you're feeling your way through and likely lurching all over the place - seems normal when searching) and the real him are emerging. I don't think that's a bad thing. In fact, it's good, but something to consider as you watch him (which is easier): He is not getting the reassurances he needs, at the very low levels, that you are really in this to figure it out. He may be searching for that when he "comes at you". Something to consider.

For your randomness?
Your kids learn from BOTH parents. And they mix that together to fit their own lives. But I would ask how they can feel good if their parents don't? If their mom can't figure herself out, do they have a solid foundation to work from? I believe not. That's why I have strongly encouraged you to figure YOU out in a compassionate and non-destructive way. I've seen the aftermath of not doing that. It's much worse than it has to be especially for the kids.

Yes. You do need to feel safe. You used to feel safe. For some reason we haven't identified yet, you do not. I have some guesses, but that's all they are. For now I'll keep them to myself.

Pulled back from the world? If you were to step back and look at your life from afar, what would you say about the situation? About what you're doing? Just curious.....

You have made it this far because of your commitment as well. Remember for better or worse? Nobody said he had to be worse. Part of what I've heard here is you blaming. I think that's more about you trying to find the reason and trying on different things than being accusatory.

Your gut instinct? Really? You trust that right now? Think you'll feel that way in two years? Think you always felt that way? I would argue you did not. I would argue that your husband has very little to do with your issues and I think you have already agreed. Know what? Your feelings changed. Know what else? They will change again. The question is how much damage you will do prior to that time and if you can recover what you will have destroyed. He has a part in that but it's mostly you.

What is love to you, Doodi?

*My only hope right now is that once I feel stronger and more secure in myself then I will be strong enough to find/get what I need from H.

THAT Doodi, is the smartest thing you have said. The only exception is that it is not just now, but always has been.

LACK of love? Think so? That's not what I read in your posts Doodi. You are not done. Numb perhaps. Out of touch with yourself. Depressed. Lost. But not in love with your husband? I disagree. ;-)

You should be afraid of leaving Doodi. It's permanent. At the very least it will do permanent damage to your relationship with your husband and to your kids. And to you. Resolve to stick this out until you totally know yourself and then wait at least a year past that. If you still can't make it work after that, then I can see leaving as a viable option, but it won't be because you quit too early. Trust me. That timeline is important, but you MUST know yourself before the timer starts. If your family gives you that opportunity. They may not.