Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[TimeHeals]

Good luck. This is the right thing to do in this situation.

Go do what John wants to do this weekend, and when you get back, then it's all about you and your kid. W doesn't want to play house anymore, then you are OK with that.

If she starts bugging you about the attorney again, ask her if she found a job yet because you aren't going to pay for everything, and she needs to be able to support herself, she needs her own lawyer (and you aren't paying for hers. You are paying for yours.), and not working is not a good plan for her being single, and you just thought she should know she ought to plan for that.

Then go out and get yourself a good attorney that will fight for your parental rights and who can advise you how to best proceed so that you protect your assets and parental rights.

Your W has one game plan: get John to make divorce easy by paying for it all. That's as mature as her plan is. You need a better plan that involves dropping the rope and letting her know that John is done begging her to come back.

She wants a divorce/seperation, then fine, this isn't working for you anymore either (and it isn't. Two words: "Panic Attacks"). This is not healthy. Protect yourself and your child. You will proceed toward divorce because this isn't good enough for you or your child anymore. Your wife's sense of entitlement has her crossing (non-existent) boundaries.

Here are some reasonable boundaries:

"I will not be the only one willing to work on this Marriage anymore".

"I will not pay for anything I am not legally required by law to pay"

"I will not discuss legal matters with my W anymore." (that's what attorneys are for).

And here's a new mantra for you when you are feeling weak:

I do not want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't love me and treats me accordingly. It's not healthy for me or my child. I will let them go, and I will make a better life for me and my child because we DESERVE a better life than this.

[pinhead]

I hope you can find some detachment John. Just let her go. She's toxic to you, literally.

[hurtinhartford]

TH,

That is a profound post! John, I have been reading your sitch and I too am having a difficult time letting go. You truly are a better man than your W deserves. Let her go and find someone who will appreciate you for you and what you have to offer!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

take your friends out on the town for the weekend.
explain to them, "sorry my wife is messed in the head. so lets just go out and have a good time."

obviously your woman doesn't want to go.

180 it.

whats the opposite of retroville? getting your friends drunk so they try and hook you up with someone else?

obviously your woman doesn't want to go. agree. validate. go along with. wtf. try something different.

you accomplish more when they are chasing you down for a good time then when they are telling you "I'm so F'ing angry at you. I don't want to work on this M with you and still you make me do things."

Not as elegantly as I would have chosen to phrase it, , but yeah -- I agree with McQueen here.

It's the whole "you can't teach a pig to sing" thing, John. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's not like you Lotus to have that stance. I guess that means a lot to me coming from you.

Take it from me, John -- YES, IT DOES. This woman has the patience of a SAINT, and she is passionate about Retrouvaille. But at some point, you can't force your wife to do something she clearly doesn't want to do (in the micro, that's Retrou weekend ... in the macro, that's be a married woman).

LET HER GO, and thank those kind souls here like Lotus, TimeHeals and Pookie who stuck with you, and move on with your life with your son.

"You can handle it." -- Coach

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good luck. This is the right thing to do in this situation.

Go do what John wants to do this weekend, and when you get back, then it's all about you and your kid. W doesn't want to play house anymore, then you are OK with that.

If she starts bugging you about the attorney again, ask her if she found a job yet because you aren't going to pay for everything, and she needs to be able to support herself, she needs her own lawyer (and you aren't paying for hers. You are paying for yours.), and not working is not a good plan for her being single, and you just thought she should know she ought to plan for that.

Then go out and get yourself a good attorney that will fight for your parental rights and who can advise you how to best proceed so that you protect your assets and parental rights.

Your W has one game plan: get John to make divorce easy by paying for it all. That's as mature as her plan is. You need a better plan that involves dropping the rope and letting her know that John is done begging her to come back.

She wants a divorce/seperation, then fine, this isn't working for you anymore either (and it isn't. Two words: "Panic Attacks"). This is not healthy. Protect yourself and your child. You will proceed toward divorce because this isn't good enough for you or your child anymore. Your wife's sense of entitlement has her crossing (non-existent) boundaries.

Here are some reasonable boundaries:

"I will not be the only one willing to work on this Marriage anymore".

"I will not pay for anything I am not legally required by law to pay"

"I will not discuss legal matters with my W anymore." (that's what attorneys are for).

And here's a new mantra for you when you are feeling weak:

I do not want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't love me and treats me accordingly. It's not healthy for me or my child. I will let them go, and I will make a better life for me and my child because we DESERVE a better life than this.

And sometimes, the day's "4 Whistles Award" is sooo obvious.





John, I hope you'll copy and paste TH's post to you, and keep it in your BlackBerry or whatever. Print it out and keep it in your wallet. There's your roadmap for the coming months.

Puppy

[john28]

Alright, well, I stood my ground!

I dropped S4 off, she was -still- in bed at 9:00am. Went up to her room, woke her up. Told her our son was here, and I was leaving. She said, "Aren't you supposed to tell me something?"

"I've decided that I am not going to go to this weekend with you. I will not force you to go, and you do not want to go. Would you mind taking S4 for the weekend?" I said.

She was dumbfounded. I really don't think she expected me to do this. REALLY. She said, "Ok. Uhm. Well where are you going this weekend? What are you doing?"

I looked at her blankly and said, "I'm taking care of myself now. I'm probably going to the weekend by myself. I won't be here this weekend, so can you watch our son?"

She said yes, then tried to argue with me that she 'said I would go and I was willing to do this', but I just said, "no need to argue anymore. You do not want to go. The only reason you are going is because you want to keep your word. Not to work on this M. Not to work with me, only to keep your word. I'm releasing you of that obligation. So now, you aren't going."

She kept trying to argue that she said she was willing to do this even though she didn't want to, yada yada yada, I said no need to argue, you don't want to go and I will not be made to feel like I am forcing you. She said Ok finally, and I walked downstairs to hug S4 and tell him goodbye.

I asked her if I could pick up my S4 on Monday night when I got back and off of work. She said, "Uhh, you just come in here and tell me that you are changing the schedule like that, I don't know. That's not your night to have him."

I was tired of her BS. I told her I wasn't telling her, I was asking if I could have him. She said she didn't know - so I said, OK what is my night to have him? She said Thur/Fri/Sun. I said I would be here next Thursday and that was fine, that I would wait a week to see my son, that's not a problem (definitely passive agressive). She started to feel bad and said lets talk. I said NO, we have NOTHING to talk about anymore.

She walked outside trying to talk to me and I stayed another 3 minutes or so and she said 'We need to talk, let's have dinner, let's work out a schedule, let's talk about this' I just told her I was done talking. Send me a schedule of whatever she wants and that's fine, I don't care anymore. I'm done with all this, I'm done fighting, I'm done talking, just send me whatever.

Again, she tried the 'let's talk' crap, and I just told her NO, send me something. I'm done. Do it. Leaving she said, "You need to call our friend who was supposed to watch him this weekend and tell her he's not coming."

As I was walking to my car I said, "That's your responsibility now. You have him for the weekend. You also need to let our son know that he won't be having a sleepover with his friends."

And left.

She called me. I silenced it. She called again. Silenced. She called again, I picked up. "That was wrong of you to say that, that was so wrong!" I told her "No, it wasn't. He is yours this weekend. If you want him to still see his friends and have a sleepover that is your choice. You need to call and figure it out. He's your responsibility this weekend."

<INSERT STUPID DRAMA HERE BY W>

Then she brings up custody. How we need to talk about it. I told her that I will not talk to her right now, respect me for that. She says we need to work out a schedule, I tell her SEND ME WHATEVER YOU WANT. She says I want to work with you. I'm just beyond her at this point.

Then she says "I'll go to you on this weekend for Fri/Sat! I want to go." But i KNOW she only wants to go so she can 'talk' to me about this crap. So I tell her no, she doesn't WANT to go, she is just manipulating me into getting what she wants, which is to be my FRIEND and TALK to me about this. I tell her probably 5 times to STOP MANIPULATING ME. She says she's not. I'm SO mad at this point.

Then she brings up mediation and L's and sh!t. I tell her:

"W, today you need to go to the bank. Get a statement. Take out half the money. That's yours. Then, we'll do mediation. I will not pay for anything other than my fair share. I will match you dollar for dollar on this. But, you need to get a job. I won't pay for all of this"

She goes into the whole 'My fulltime job was SAHM and that money is ours and I shouldn't have to pay for this because I supported you and our family and what money you earn is fairly mine' and that proceeds to me telling her that when she left that wasn't a fulltime job anymore, etc. She threatens to go get a L on her own. I say fine, do whatever you want. She backs down. She then goes BACK into the "we need to talk" crap. I say no. Then she says, "I need to use the printer at the house" I tell her I'll leave it on the front porch. She is sad, says she'll leave her key at the house. I say fine, whatever you want to do. She asks when I'll be at the house. I tell her noon to 1pm. She says she'll just come by then. I say fine, but don't talk to me when you get here. RESPECT THE FACT THAT I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

Finally, I just bust out and say: "LOOK. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ME. YOU DON'T WANT ME. YOU WANT TO BE ALONE AND ON YOUR OWN. YOU ONLY WANT MY MONEY. THAT'S IT. DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES."


Good GOD what a F LOAD of DRAMA. She's F'ING DRAMA QUEEN.

UGH!!!!!!!

[hurtinhartford]

Bravo John!!!!!

180 at it's finest!!

[pinhead]

John,

Not quite how I would have delivered the message, but in your sitch it was probably as good as you could have done. Perhaps not so much anger from you, but your frustration is understandable.

NOW STICK WITH IT.

[Lotus]

Yes. she is a drama queen who manipulates you.