Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

This is pretty common from the married women I've known. They minimize their needs for their husband's wants and desires. And it's a hard thing to overcome. My wife is so paralyzed over hurting everyone in our family, she can't even THINK about what she needs in a rational sense.

This is how I feel but I'm trying so hard to accept the fact that what I want/need is going to hurt my family...at least for awhile. I'm trying to get the change I need with minimal damage. Unfortunately, that's not working.

You really should not expect him to "just figure it out". You haven't. He is not a mind reader and not a god. He can't snap his fingers and know what you don't know about you.

I thought I had, but obviously the things I said were to vague. I feel like I'm patronizing him when I say "If you do ____, then I'll have to do______." But at this point I guess I have to put it out there and hope it works. Nothing else has.

Learning to stand up is a good thing. But it is change and he isn't in the same place in the relationship as you are.
Change is painful, right? I imagine it is for him as well. And since he hasn't initiated the change and sees you in pain, he gets a double whammy. Makes people crazy and makes them see-saw back and forth.

I don't think my change is painful to me individually, but the reactions to it are killing me. My H has been comfortable with a subservient wife and now I'm standing up for myself...that's tough on both of us.

He has admitted that when things start to go south, his first instinct is to destroy. He comes at me hard until I start to crumble and THEN he will listen.

That's kinda what happened last night. Once I reached my breaking point and could take no more, then he wanted to talk. By then, I couldn't take anymore. Simply mentioning working on the R was a terrifying concept. I couldn't imagine going through anymore days having my spirit being broke down just because he disagreed with me or was having a bad day.

Gettith out of thy house and go for a walk.

I cannot stress enough that when you are emotionally drained, or tired, you are vulnerable to making bad decisions. And physical activity is a way to increase your energy levels. It will also release endorphins that will aid in emotional well-being and mental acuity.

I am a walker. Not only that I'm a gym rat too. I didn't used to be. I've lost over 60 lbs in the past year because of my "me time". He accuses me of wanting to leave him because I've lost the wait. Before you go there, I can assure you it's not. I still have a ways to go and I could care less about finding someone else. I know that my weight loss is because I was finally strong enough to say I'm going no matter what you say.

I have to say that part of the problem yesterday was emotional exhaustion stacked on top of the physical exhaustion. Yesterday I got real close to over training. I was at the gym for 2 hrs (cardio/weights), then after the first blow up H wanted to go for a walk together so I did that, and finally my son (who is pudgy) actually asked me to take him to the gym so of course I did. By the end of the day I had actually walked over 10 miles.


I'm still here and I'm not running out the door. I was just beat down yesterday. I know the wall went back up a little yesterday but I'm still here.

Thanks for all your kind words. I will admit that I was worried about what I would find on here this morning. My H has told me for years that it's my fault that things bother me and if I would just suck it up my life wouldn't be so bad. H has always says it's not his fault the things he says bother me, I just have to learn to deal with it. So when I had my meltdown yesterday, I was all ready for you guys to tell me to shut it, deal and stop being so sensitive. So thanks.

Still here,
Doodi

[dsh4320]

Doodi,

As a husband (for now) I dont really care for the wya he puts everything on you. Yes I have said to my W, that when things got rough, she is strong and she will get through this. But as I look back now, she is strong, but that is not what she wanted to hear from me, she wanted to be rienforced in a loving way, I rienforced her strength, but not lovingly it was more like a Dad telling their kid to brush it off and get up. That is not how a H treats a W. I am not downplaying your H just reflecting on what I have learned....

[Doodi]

I never looked at as 'dad speak' but I see it. What I feel is that he keeps telling me to take responsibility for my feelings and to stop letting myself be hurt by him. That's what I feel like I'm doing when I think of leaving. I'm standing up for me and not letting him hurt me anymore.

Thanks for your insight. Right now I need all the help and understanding I get.

Doodi

[dsh4320]

Yes you are exhausted, emotionally. As a LBS I finally got to that point. When you try and try and try, you cant do it anymore. But I see a lot of "suck it up" feedback from your H, I grew up in a home with a father who I love to death, he is 71 years old, annapolis grad, played football with Staubach flew planes in Vietnam and retired as a Commander. My Dad and my Brother are my best friends. My Dad coached our teams as kids, he would show up in his flight suit, both my parents were from broken homes, they are still together 49 years in the making. They still fight but its over stupid crap.

My point in my last post is a spouse cannot treat another spouse like a child they are trying to coach or lead them in the same way they lok at things. A spouse is someone you have to learn how they are, react and handle situations and show compassion for the way they are and comfort and handle their issues in a loving way. I am rambling hopefully you get my point.

[Doodi]

My point in my last post is a spouse cannot treat another spouse like a child they are trying to coach or lead them in the same way they lok at things. A spouse is someone you have to learn how they are, react and handle situations and show compassion for the way they are and comfort and handle their issues in a loving way. I am rambling hopefully you get my point.

I get what it must have been like to grow up with a military minded dad. I'm a military brat that married a military man. I should be used to it I guess. But I've said to my H a million times that I get my feelings are my problem but I would hope that he could at least consider them when he's coming at me. He knows my history and my sensitive side but it honestly feels like instead of being consider it of it, he uses my history as a guide to hurt me further. I know that makes him sound like it's intentional and I know it's not but once you know your 'enemies' weak spot then that's where you go first.

Doodi

[Doodi]

Randomness...

*How do I shake the thought that if he if he isn't making changes because he believes in them (basically only for me) that they will stick.

*I realized that I need to feel safe in my home. Not safe physically, but safe to express my likes, opinions and concerns without fear of aggressive reaction.

*I'm teaching my kids to hide their emotions and sacrifice themselves. If you ask them what they want their answer is now almost always "Whatever you want." I need them to feel good enough about themselves that they are secure in saying what they like or dislike.

*My personal trainer tried to kill me yesterday.

*In trying to figure out my problems and how to fix myself, I've pulled back from the world. All my friends live in the computer!

*I have made it this far because of the love from my kids not H.

*I can't shake the feeling that the reason I can't figure out what I need in this marriage is because I don't want to be in this marriage. That is my gut instinct and I think I'm trying to convince myself I want this

*Will my walls ever come down enough for the M to have a chance?

*Why can't I look my H in the eyes? Is it because I don't want to see the pain? Or because I don't want him to see the LACK of love?

*My only hope right now is that once I feel stronger and more secure in myself then I will be strong enough to find/get what I need from H.

*The initial fear of leaving is fading. Every time he pushes me to say I'm done and ready to go, it gets a little easier. NOT GOOD...well for my kids it's not.

Feel free to jump in to give me insight or a 2x4. Doodi

[AJM]

Doodi. It's hard to have the focus right now. But please, simplify some of these issues and deal with them one at a time.

My H has been comfortable with a subservient wife and now I'm standing up for myself...that's tough on both of us.

He has admitted that when things start to go south, his first instinct is to destroy. He comes at me hard until I start to crumble and THEN he will listen.

Marine? Hmm.. The thing is that he has told you how he approaches things. Will the real Mr Doodi please step forward? What I mean by that is that the real you (which doesn't seem to be known to you at the moment - you're feeling your way through and likely lurching all over the place - seems normal when searching) and the real him are emerging. I don't think that's a bad thing. In fact, it's good, but something to consider as you watch him (which is easier): He is not getting the reassurances he needs, at the very low levels, that you are really in this to figure it out. He may be searching for that when he "comes at you". Something to consider.

For your randomness?
Your kids learn from BOTH parents. And they mix that together to fit their own lives. But I would ask how they can feel good if their parents don't? If their mom can't figure herself out, do they have a solid foundation to work from? I believe not. That's why I have strongly encouraged you to figure YOU out in a compassionate and non-destructive way. I've seen the aftermath of not doing that. It's much worse than it has to be especially for the kids.

Yes. You do need to feel safe. You used to feel safe. For some reason we haven't identified yet, you do not. I have some guesses, but that's all they are. For now I'll keep them to myself.

Pulled back from the world? If you were to step back and look at your life from afar, what would you say about the situation? About what you're doing? Just curious.....

You have made it this far because of your commitment as well. Remember for better or worse? Nobody said he had to be worse. Part of what I've heard here is you blaming. I think that's more about you trying to find the reason and trying on different things than being accusatory.

Your gut instinct? Really? You trust that right now? Think you'll feel that way in two years? Think you always felt that way? I would argue you did not. I would argue that your husband has very little to do with your issues and I think you have already agreed. Know what? Your feelings changed. Know what else? They will change again. The question is how much damage you will do prior to that time and if you can recover what you will have destroyed. He has a part in that but it's mostly you.

What is love to you, Doodi?

*My only hope right now is that once I feel stronger and more secure in myself then I will be strong enough to find/get what I need from H.

THAT Doodi, is the smartest thing you have said. The only exception is that it is not just now, but always has been.

LACK of love? Think so? That's not what I read in your posts Doodi. You are not done. Numb perhaps. Out of touch with yourself. Depressed. Lost. But not in love with your husband? I disagree. ;-)

You should be afraid of leaving Doodi. It's permanent. At the very least it will do permanent damage to your relationship with your husband and to your kids. And to you. Resolve to stick this out until you totally know yourself and then wait at least a year past that. If you still can't make it work after that, then I can see leaving as a viable option, but it won't be because you quit too early. Trust me. That timeline is important, but you MUST know yourself before the timer starts. If your family gives you that opportunity. They may not.

[Coach]

Yes. You do need to feel safe. You used to feel safe. For some reason we haven't identified yet, you do not.

Because her H is mentally and verbally abusive then tells her that she needs to be responsible for her feelings. This is a unhealthy relationship. No amount of being nice will work. Doodi is doing the work on herself. Mr Doodi better get on board quick because once Doodi starts loving herself more she will see this relationship for what it is.

It's obvious Doodi wants a healthy marriage. Eventually it takes two to tango. If your husband isn't going to do the work on himself then how much more will Doodi put up with a loveless marriage? Why is that not destructive to a family? The kids already see it, feel it and are internalising it.

Doodi don't let anyone her tell you how you feel, what to think or how this is your fault. You are fighting for your life first and foremeost. God put you here to be the best Doodi she can be. "Love your neighbor as yourself." Enabling your H to treat you this way is not loving him or yourself.

The past is over your actions now help dictate your future.

You should be afraid of leaving Doodi. It's permanent. At the very least it will do permanent damage to your relationship with your husband and to your kids. And to you.

This is hogwash. It's controlling talk. It's designed to keep you in check and play along.

Trust me.

You ever hear that before?

Your gut instinct? Really? You trust that right now?

See, don't trust what you think and feel trust someone else to know what's in your best interest. Be very aware of what is being said to you. Have you read AJ's sitch?

You are responsible for yourself. Your thoughts and actions.

If you were a LBS and your H was treating you this way, I think the advice here would be alot different.

Cheers

[Doodi]

The man with the hard questions, AJM, is here. TIA. But here's some answers to some of the things you brought forward.

*Marine? Nope, Air Force...but still military. As for the coming at me, I would consider it his changing if it was new. But it's not. It's always been his MO to come at me, break me down and then apologize. I feel like I've been consistent with my thoughts and actions...but that is probably just my feelings. The randomness that you see here isn't what I show him.

*I agree that they pick up from both parents. But we both have some serious issues, I'm just willing to look at mine. H has many issues that he has been diagnosed with but feels he doesn't need to address. He has been diagnosed with manic depression, PTSD and anxiety. I can't force him to see that he can't fix these things on his own...I can only work on me.

*As for me feeling safe in the past. NOPE, I have never felt safe in this relationship. It has been bad from the beginning but it was the lesser of 2 evils at the time when I decided to get married. I know many will believe that I am rewriting the past but I am not. I could sit here and list the things that have been done and said over the years but to me that would be blame. I made my choices in the years past from a much more unhealthy state of mind but they were the I made the best choices I could with what I had. The facts are that the first 5 yrs we were married, I tried to leave at least once a year but had nowhere to go. Was I to insecure to stand on my own 2 feet--ABSOLUTELY, but my staying doesn't mean I was happy it means I was insecure and scared. After my kids were born, I focused on them and let my H do whatever he wanted. I just blended into the background. As long as I had the love of my kids I was ok. I didn't think about running as much when the kids were small but once he came back from IRAQ, it got so much worse and I thought about it alot. I always stayed because I thought it was better for the kids. Now I question my choice to stay and what it's done to my kids.

*If I was an outsider looking at me...I'd say go. Ironically, my H has even said he wouldn't have stayed with himself and put up with his BS as long as I did. This has been said repeatedly and not just in the heat of an argument. He has told me that everyone he has opened up to about our R has looked at him and asked what the F was he thinking, why does he do the things he does--Not my words, HIS. On the flip, I've been repeatedly asked why I put up with it.

*I think that my postings may seem like I'm coming up with different reasons depending on the day, but in actuality it is me putting more of my info out there. The things/reasons I've said are ALL true. I don't change things to fit scenerios.

*Lack of Love...something I question myself. Numb...ABSOLUTELY. You are right with me being "Out of touch with myself". Over a year ago I made the breakthrough with my therapists that I have NEVER done anything for myself. Everything I do is for the benefit of others. Co-dependent, sure. Have I really started working on me, YES. Thus where I'm at today.

*I recognize that leaving is permanent, that's why I won't make that decision until I'm sure I've cleared all MY cobwebs away.

I think I've covered most everything. I'm sure there is much more I could say but this is already way long. You know I love the mental stimulation from you questions so keep them coming. They help me clear the fog and check different angles.

Til next time,
Doodi

[Doodi]

Coach--

Thanks for catching my back. I guess I was busy writing a response to AJM to see what you wrote. It really means alot.
If your other half is around, I'll take all the help I can get.

Smooches, Doodi