If you truly need to let go or drop the rope you don't respond at all. Even if you don't FEEL like you can do this, you do it anyway.
If you can't let go and feel the need to continue to pursue, enable her argumentitive behavior, and you believe this saves your marriage then by all means keep responding but do it so where your upbeat and fake. lol
If that question is reality, then it's a test. She's seeing if she still can control you. Not attractive.
You figured it out though... No response is the correct answer.
I have been reading your sitch, CB's, John's and 40's and truly feeling your pain. I am sorry that we are all here. I am having a difficult time with the whole concept of letting go. If I truly let go and wish to gain on my WAW then I would not acknowledge her b-day. But I am getting advice on the site that it is a chance to melt the ice.
If she is ahead in the detachment dept why would she care if I told her happy birthday. It appears that there are two paths to take...I am at the fork!
I have been reading your sitch, CB's, John's and 40's and truly feeling your pain. I am sorry that we are all here. I am having a difficult time with the whole concept of letting go. If I truly let go and wish to gain on my WAW then I would not acknowledge her b-day. But I am getting advice on the site that it is a chance to melt the ice.
If she is ahead in the detachment dept why would she care if I told her happy birthday. It appears that there are two paths to take...I am at the fork!
Hello Hurt,
It is difficult. VERY dificult. Lots of great post's in our sitch's. Many Vets that all of us MUST listen to if we wish to survive/improve and maybe have a shot at saving our marriage.
On any special occasion, it's okay to send a card. But...
However, ask yourself are you doing this with hope for a response? For an "attaboy"? For her to come running back? Or just additional damage control IN case she comes back?
If you truly are trying to detach, let go, drop the rope, etc; Then would saying or doing something for someone that has left you really send this message? Personally, I wouldn't do anything. Just my opinion. It's hard. Not easy. Anything counter-intuitive needs to be applied if you wish to detach. It sucks, but will make you stronger.
I don't expect an atta boy or cart wheels from my W. I just want to thaw her out a bit so that maybe she will be inclined to talk in the future.
I am trying to detach...emotionally I am not, but physically I am. So I have been told that the WAW is way ahead in this dept. so why not not send anything, which is where I am leaning though Coach does not agree.
If she sends an email that asks a question but it's purpose seems to be just to start an argument or email war how do I respond.
i.e "Who gave you permission to do that" ( it was a small thing regarding using a joint asset that she regards as hers so i didn't need her permission )
Separate yourself financially from your wife.
Arguing over money is not even a mediocre way to attempt reconciliation after infidelity. I'd accept I was depressed or confused and vulnerable before: "Don't touch my money. Mine mine mine not Ours."
is she a loser or what?
Use your money to go out and start having a great time with other people. TGIF.
Personally, my favorite response, after you use, "I'm busy, I'll talk to you later" a few times is: "If you haven't notice, I don't want to talk to you any more." "You need to get a life" is a good one too.
If she sends an email that asks a question but it's purpose seems to be just to start an argument or email war how do I respond.
i.e "Who gave you permission to do that" ( it was a small thing regarding using a joint asset that she regards as hers so i didn't need her permission )
Separate yourself financially from your wife.
Arguing over money is not even a mediocre way to attempt reconciliation after infidelity. I'd accept I was depressed or confused and vulnerable before: "Don't touch my money. Mine mine mine not Ours."
is she a loser or what?
Use your money to go out and start having a great time with other people. TGIF.
Personally, my favorite response, after you use, "I'm busy, I'll talk to you later" a few times is: "If you haven't notice, I don't want to talk to you any more." "You need to get a life" is a good one too.
That's a good one, McQueen. My cheating H has said that to me quite a few times. Guess it's cause of NC on Christmas, New Year's, our anni, my bday, and next up is his milestone bday. Felt like telling him I don't talk to you at all, what do you think that means? Instead, I laughed at him.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
So I think "no response was the correct strategy" . After not responding to the taunt. I received a pleasant email regarding the house sale which I responded to in a brief and polite email.
Also saw her last night and there was no mention of the first email or my lack of response. Another argument avoided.
The email argument she tried to start was regarding use of a tent which she bought when we were together which she now regards as hers even though she told me she hates camping. She must have been reading my email and seen one from one of our friends regarding the trip.
Strange how she seems to have a problem with me having a good time. I would have thought that would helped her justify her getaway. Anyway off for a fun weekend camping with my S.
Now if we can just get through the house sale. Initially I didn't want to sell the house as I saw it as the only link we had left but now it's just like getting away from a bad roomate.
One more question regarding emails.
When she sends me an email she will usually put no "greeting" such as "hi XXXX" and will usually begin it with either my first initial or nothing. She just ends it with her first initial. I know that's not her normal email style. When I respond I always begin with "Hi XXXX" and finish with "Rgds" "Cheers" etc. in other-words I always sound upbeat and friendly. Judging by her responses I think this annoys her.
Is this something I should continue. My initial view was that I shouldn't change my style just because she deems it ok to be rude and abrasive. My emails are always concise and to the point it is just the format that is friendly.
I didn't acknowledge my W's birthday or our anniversary (same day), except to take the kids to get her gifts from them.
In fact, I went out and stayed out all night without so much as a phone call or text to let her know that I would not be home.
I don't know if that helped or hurt my situation, but I didn't think I needed to acknowledge either since she had already filed for D. We are separated now.
Sounds like you are protected HIH. Good for you. My W had a blow-up in Jan, Had an EA/PA? in the spring, announced intention to D me and filed in June and we finally separated Aug 28th. I haven't talked to her much since then, but it was good to leave too. Lots of stress at home. Especially for her.
We'll see where it goes from here, but we have another court date on Oct 12th. Getting ready to start over!
